Pep Talk

Dear Self,

You are a Chunky Chicken. Currently you weigh the most you have ever weighed in your entire life and if you stepped on the Wii Fit scale it would put you in the overweight if not obesse section. Granted your are not a fat ass who is inactive or lazy, but you do enjoy your food and drink a little too much for a young girl. Loose weight.

How do we do this? Well you already know. You work out at the gym, we know how to diet, you know what it takes to be strict on yourself... the only part that is left is just to do it. I do not want to look back years from now as a heavier person and think that I was skinny now. I want to look back and say, "damn I was a curvy sexy lady who worked hard and is a tighter curvier sexy lady now." When I have babies, I DO NOT want to reach 200lbs. I'd probably loose my mind if that happened, so guess what, we got some work and dtermination to do so that I can loose weight now and be about this weight when I get pregers in the future.... I really can't handle being any bigger than I am now and I don't want this to be my norm anymore. Get to work :)

Love,
Yourself

Stressin!!

Sometimes I really do believe I'm crazy. My boyfriend is good to me: he treats me better than any guy I've ever been with and yet, I am dead scared to seriously trust him. This leads to my being a dramatic about some things, over thinking, worrying when there is no reason to worry, and constantly comparing what I did for him versus what he did for me. I have one word for myself at times when I'm crazy= immature!!! I need to really shake this aspect because I get so worked up about things that its physically and emotionally upsets me at times.

Last night Boyfriend and I had a serious conversation about how I have been feeling unhappy in the relationship. Its not that he is not good to me or that i don't care for him, its just that he has so many stresses in his life that when he's with me he doesn't want to do anything.... well, i get bored easily, so hello, Let's play! In this way, I admit I am like a kid, but who doesn't like doing things with their boyfriend talking exploring each other's thoughts and bodies and worlds. Well i like these things very much and I got very fed up with coming over and helping him clean up or cook something and then just sitting by idle while he watches TV and doesn't speak. Not cool....
so I said something. And though it came out in varied ways, it came out and i feel better about it now. And best of all he received it well. After that, he became more attentive and playful- aka, what I liked about him in the first place.

This little revelation made me realise that its not the girl's fault they she start feeling a little frantic or crazy at times, its the general relationships fault. When a guy starts to change and slip, which ALL MEN will try to change and slip with the attentiveness, its our jobs to let them know how we feel, keep them in check, and hopefully they love you enough to wake up and do something. All men put on a good show at the beginning of a relationship because they really want to impress us. Once they've succeeded, the stop impressing us and women feel like the rug is pulled out from under them! "What happened to that fun guy I met," is the common thought that runs through women's minds. Well that fun guy is still there he just needs to be reminded that that's the guy we want to talk to.

So when my boyfriend said to me last night, "you expect me to be 100% all the time." FUCK YES, I expect you to give me 100% of yourself all the time because despite the stress of my job and my life, I give you 100% of myself when I'm with you and if you want to be in a fair and equal relationship then you must give me 100% of that which i deserve. Plus women, just because a man overexerts himself at work, does not mean we need to suffer for it. He needs to learn how to balance or how to work in both areas a little harder. We have our needs and that's all we are looking for them to meet. Don't let them slip, because you will be the one regretting it in the long run.

The Magical world of Womanhood

Man I am stressed today:

Like always I am freaking out about money, worrying I'm spending my money on the wrong things, seeing how I can get out of stuff or pay things off quicker, and inevitably always falling short. My new bank account is wigging me out because it is not showing all the money I deposited and telling me I have LESS then what I should= not cool. My old bank account is solid and I love it but the bank locations are too far away so I want more convience. If I can't figure out the new account then I'm just going to deal with the 30 min one way drive whenever I have to deposit a check. Lets not even think of student loans.... they are like the looming blackness that always hangs on the horizon.

Then, I'm freaking out about my weight. I have been working out, looking and feeling good, and then I hit the scale and BAM! I weigh 10 lbs heavier then I had before and quite frankly heavier then I normally EVER weigh. All my efforts the last three months have gained me only 1 lb of muscle weight and 9lbs of fat according to the magic gym scale. So I ask myself, what the hell is that about! Thats when I got suckered into a personal trainer. Granted, I have wanted a personal trainer for a long time now, but I am still not sure its goning to be worth it. All I know is that Christmas is coming and I seem to be spending a lot on random shit for myslef, aka Dance, Personal training, healthy food.... you would think this is all great stuff, but not when you constantly look at your bank account and freak out. I really need a grip and to simply be satisfied with myself and who and what I am. I am a curvy woman, looking good and staying healthy no matter what all the stupid charts say, I need to just accept that. After this personal training stuff is over, I need to continue my fitness regime and simply STOP freaking out. I am sexy.

Next is really nothing too serious but I think its in the back of my mind. I really like my relationship with MD a lot and we get along really well, but I think in the back of my head I am still absolutely terrified that its all wrong that its not going to work that he's going to mess up one day or I will and it will all end. I'm scared shitless always and its really a stressful matter even though its not a stressful situation at all. He's been great, we've been great together, I am good to him and he is good to me, its everthing I always thought a relationship could be, so why am I scared still? I suppose its human nature.

Oh and my period is coming: probably tomorrow or the next day. So that is the root of all these stresses but man, I'm freaking out today!

A Visit from the Ex'es (Yup, plural!)

Yesterday I saw BOTH my Ex's at a meeting for work. In one breath, I always thought it was nice that work would still connect us in some way, but in another, I hate it. Having to see both of them again just brings up so many memories, which then lead to emotions, which then lead to pain. Although the meeting went better than I could have ever imagined, it still was hard to see them both and the wounds that are still scar tissue over did ache and yearn to pull apart again.

The Ex, well he just acts like I do not exist. He is angry at me. Angrier than anyone could ever be at a person. He would rather me not be around so he wouldn't have to remember, so he acts like he doesn't even know me. I can still feel his pain. Three years together and he acts like I am a stranger on the street. This man hurt me more than anyone else on this earth and yet his ignoring is some what calming. I too rather have him as a memory than something I need to deal with on a daily basis. One day that is all he'll be, just a memory.

I can't ever hate The Ex, unlike me, he didn't betray my emotions by getting together with someone else quickly, but he did hurt me by just not caring enough. He said he loved me, but you don't criticize someone you love on a daily basis, or make them jump through hoops for you constantly, or expect them to stand by your side no matter how reckless you were with yourself or them. That is not love, that is just entitlement and none of us are truly entitled to anything. Yet he taught me a lot about myself, about love, life, companionship, loyalty, and limits. So I will always be grateful for that relationship but I would never go back to it. Therefore, I am a stranger on the street and he is a passing body...

India was there too of course. This was the encounter I feared more than The Ex. my emotions with The Ex are numb, my emotions with India are still throbbing. The encounter went better than I could imagine, we even sat next to each other (not on purpose, but it just happened)! Both showed signs of nervousness but at the same time signs of familiarity and kindness. I can tell that that odd thing between us is still there, who knows, it may never go away really. Yet this is why it is so much harder with him. We can talk one on one now about little things but past that forget it. I let myself fall in love with him despite all his warnings and pleadings for me not to and I turned into an OCD case. I didn't leave the poor kid alone and I am so ashamed for that. But he liked it partially, he liked the attention and he fed into it as well. I fear that he no longer respects me for who I am because of it though and that is what causes my shame, but he was no doll either and it is hard for me to fully respect him. I wish things were different.

Today, I reread a couple of emails that we had exchanged. He cared for me so much yet it was that same care that asked me to leave so that we both would be better off, so that we both could find the right person for ourselves and so that we both could practice our faith and relationships openly. It was the same care that kept me coming back though and that is why it went from respecting each other and trying to be friends to sometimes hating each other, not being able to talk or be around each other for too long, and always wishing for it to be ok again. It kills me. And I miss him. I miss hearing about his culture or things that I am not familiar with; I miss his funny comments or quirky behaviors; and I miss him being comfortable around me. We used to lay together and just be at peace and now we can't even talk to each other without getting uncomfortable. We were so drawn to each other despite that fact that we were so wrong for each other and that we would never work. It confuses me terribly but all I know is that I'm left with scares and I wish it was different.

The things in life that you go through are supposed to make you stronger, but I'm so fragile due to the things that I've went through. I bring so much hesitation into my new relationships that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel right again with someone. I can only pray and know that out there is my husband, a man who will never make me cry or hurt me. I am so excited for him and if I've found him, then please Lord let me be good to him until we both realize that we are meant for each other. And please Lord, help me heal.

GOOD VS BAD

GOOD things that happened today:

I got a mini side job to do a floor plan for a bathroom expansion and room remodel. I shoudl be able to make a couple bucks on the side with this and feel honored that I was approached to do it when more senior architects could have done it as well.

I cancelled plans with one friend so that I would not have to drive all around town two days in a row making my life less hectic.

My girl friend called me up to see if I wanted to go to a concert for free. Not only do I get to see her, but a free concert! Hell yeah!!!

I get to see my boyfriend tonight, which means kisses! :)



BAD things that happened today:

The bus made me late so I had to work later.

My roommate decided to share with me that she thinks my boyfriend is "child like" with his enthusiam for things. This highly offended my and set me into an angry mood.

My boyfriend was not sure that we were hanging out tonight and there was a little bit of tension between us when we talked... we'll have to hug it out later.



Well I guess the GOOD did out weigh the BAD today. Its unfortunate though that the last thing I had to deal with today was my the roommate comment which really did upset me. Trying to let go of anger.... Whoooooo Saaaaaaaaah The sun is out and I may bust out of this joint a little ealry since now one is around. Whooooooo Saaaaaaaaah :) Jason Durulo tonight for free!! Let's go let's go!!!!

Twilight inspiration????

So I'm reading the Twilight series, which is completely a guilty pleasure and embarrassing fact to admit, however, it seems that I relate more closely to it then I ever imagined. In the book series, the main character, Bella, falls widely in love with Edward, her perfect vampire man. She is then left by him "for her better good" and ends up falling in love with her good friend Jacob. In the book, however, she describes how the sort of love is very different and only a fraction of what she felt for Edward. This is the part that I'm contimplating deeply: the differnt kinds of love.

Wild love: When I was with my Ex, I loved him widly. It was that kind of reckless love that didn't care about anyone or anything as long as we were together. We were spontaneous, illogical, and exhileratingly free of care or responsibility.... but this sort of passion was alway so emotional, unstable, and it cause me to loose a lot of respect for myself, my world, and those around me including my Ex. The wild love made us selfish and blinded, almost like a drug that was hard to kick.... The idea of freedom, that "if he was doing it, why can't I do it" mentality filled our love with feelings of competition, explosive behaviors, and eventually dislike. After that love rollercoaster, I closed that deep part, that wild part inside of me up, almost to a point where I am scared to ever release it again, yet I wish almost everyday that I could feel the exhileration and connection once more.

Logical Love: When I fell for India it was more rational. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into the entire time. It was a sort of fatal attraction that grew and grew and we simply indulged in it. We both had been hurt in the past and expressed that that was the last thing we wanted to do to each other but in the end that was exactly what happened. We were both so closed off to "real love" that we cared for each other in different ways and mostly in physically or on a surface manor. Whenever we truely let our hearts into it, we quickly realized that we should let the other go and spare them from the tragedy of knowing we couldn't be together, from the pain of falling for each other and knowing it must end. We spoke about it often and we did internally battle ourselves to continue or not. Thats why we were on and off so much, because our hearts were yelling at us to stop before we got too hurt. When we finally listened, it was too late, he had already infiltrated me and I'm sure I him. Now we are left with a wide gaping hole, the same one that Bella describes in the books, the kind that aches at the thought of each other, the same one that reacts upon hearing his name. It wasn't the wild love that opened and closed a wound rapidly, it was the kind that made me think of marriage and of possibilities, it was the kind that made me rational choose that I wanted him and that I would fight for him. But it was also the kind that knew that this was all I was ever going to get and that fighting wasn't even an option. I may have chose him, but I didn't get to pass go or collect my $200, the game stopped right where it started and I knew that despite my feelings.

Scared Love: Now I am seeing a new guy (MD) who that treats me like I always dreamed of being treated. One that brings me flowers, goes shopping with me, invites me to meet his family, cleans afer I cook, and even better cooks for me! He is the sort of man I always thought was in the world but had not yet experienced. The kind I feared didn't exist anymore. I'm so happy that he does and being with him makes me happy. Its stragne because its the kind of happy that just is there, not the kind that explodes out of you but the knid that when you stop to take note is just there beaming. But I am scared of the fact that it all just seems so natural, that it all seems good, like some kind of evil twist will one day happen like it had in the past relationships and everything will go to hell again. Its a scared love that keeps me reserved towards him though I am truely enjoying being with him.

These three types of love that I have experienced seem to pull me back to something Bella points out in the story: that if you open myself up to the idea of love again, it will be a different kind of love. Each time the intensity of love seems to weaken or change. This is my worry, why would such an indescribable force weaken or change? Perhaps its just new realtionships and you walls are all still up and maybe even new walls have gone up which explains the "weakened" observation, but in the book she describes her love for Jacob never being that of her love for Edward. I feel the same: my love for my Ex was far different from my love from India, yet the pain of the loss was similar. If i fall for MD, I'm sure that the love may be different too.... so I guess I am asking myself what sort of love do I want? The wild illogical kind, the far too logical but deeply understanding and passionate kind, or a new sort one that scares me a little because it seems right? Which will I choose and is there even a way to experience the same love twice? I am starting to think there isn't and maybe thats a very good thing.

A funny lil Rebelion

Sometimes I just feel so rebellious. Why should we do that which we are told. Music normally invokes this streak of adrenaline, music and boredom with work. :) So now I want to go out and wreak havoc. I never really do, but I always get that urge to, its just a desire to exhaust the energy that gets pent up during the day. This is why I chose a profession that will keep me on my toes. Despite working in my field, this government work sure as hell is boring. I'll have to make a change as soon as the opportune moment comes along.

Other than a sudden spire of cynical energy things are going great. I am dating a guy from MD who I just have fun with. So far I'm keeping it crazy casual since I simply can't handle any things that whispers thee word commitment, but we are practically dating and its nice. He respects me, actually respects me and that's refreshing.

I'll have to find something to do tonight...

Just because

Tonight I wish I was a Bengal Tiger hiding in the high grasses spying on my lover. His stripes would be gleaming in the light, his muscles peaked, he eyes intent. What I'd give to pounce out and wrestle amongst the sun lit ground with him...

On my way home tonight, I hope that I get into large amounts of mayhem. I want to explore. Try something different and hey, maybe something fun will come from it.

My heighten anticipation this week has made we feel nauseous, nervous, happy, excited, sad and melancholy. I MAY be seeing India for the first time in two months, I may get to look upon his rippling body again, look into his intent eyes, feel the tension between us again, speak to him once more! He MAY be reentering my realm of life this upcoming Monday due to work or he may not.... its a 50/50 draw. I 100% know why I can't be with him but it doesn't ever seem to stop me from wanting to be with him. What I'd give to just be held in his arms again and smell his skin.

So mayhem come! Distract me from thoughts of the potential future and day dreams of that which can not be.

Freaking out, once again

For the past month I have been dating this guy from MD. He's been a lot of fun, caring, generous, and all around extremely mindful and respectful of me. The problem lies with the situations surrounding his life. In his earlier years, circa a year and a half ago, he was involved in heavier drugs, a sex driven lifestyle, and all in all party atmosphere. This lifestyle resulted in a baby, his beautifully little girl, who turned his life around. Since the arrival of his daughter, he has been really cleaning himself up, working hard, rearranging his goals to be a good father and provider and simply being responsible. Enters, me... I just happen to stumble upon this guy, go on a date and enjoy him enough to give him a second. Next thing I know we are hanging out, he's cooking me dinner, I'm cooking him dinner, and we are rolling right along into relationville... Can I stop the train, please!?

Thing is I like MD guy. We have fun, he's kind, I enjoy having a companion. However, I am not anywhere ready to roll on into relationville nor am I ready to roll into it with someone who's past I am really uncomfortable with and who's present involves a child who I will essential be involved with, effect, and get attached to. These realizations have led me to decide upon "the break up time," (which essentially leads to me freaking out).

Whenever the break up time arrives, I become horribly indecisive. I know what I like and dislike, what I want and don't want, yet I let compassion get in the way of my tiny bit of selfishness. I hate breaking up with people because I am way too nice for my own good and a lot of time I just hate telling them the hard honest facts. In this case, it is mainly me not being ready to settle down with a guy who clearly is starting to in order to provide for his child, but also its partially him. I don't like a lot of things about his past, present, and future lifestyle and I don't think that those things are meant for my lifestyle. My head tells me this is entirely rational and justified that it is better to end things now before we both get hurt. My bleeding heart on the other hand, brings up indecision and too much compassion for its own good along with some fantasy that things will just work them selves out. This is a lie, this don't work themselves out, you have to make a decision which is a catalyst for an action which then works a situation out. I am 85% my decision has been made.

Deep breath... sometimes in this life we have to do what we know is right but that which is hard. I am strong, he'll be ok, we'll both move on to live happy lives. End Story.

Oddly Expectant

This mornings commute was different. You know the feeling when your routine changes itself and you realize something new is happening? Today, my usual sparsely filled bus was packed; the rodes were lighter; the people i encountered on the ride were younger and attractive; and the walk into work had a lighter air. Perhaps it is me that is different or perhaps it is the atmosphere that has changed. Overall the feel of this mornings variation has left me with an oddly expectant feeling. It is as the cosmos is subtly preparing you for something big that's coming. I can't help but laugh at the thought that I am living a scene from the Matrix at the moment. Picture Neo realizing that something in the Matrix has been changed and is warning him of some impending doom. I don't feel doom is the what I am awaiting, nonetheless, I may be a bit on guard today and my suspicions will keep me alert for my enemy agents. The anticipation is exciting.

Silken Dreams

Today, I want to wrap myself in silk and rest. The week has been long and busy, but I've enjoyed every second of it. My body is simply tired today, causing my mindset to slow down as well.

I have begun talking to a teacher and biologist online. He is rather fascinating and through some scholarly discussions, I've come to realize that I don't use much of my mind in my present day to day job nor do I interact with people on an intellectual playing field similar to mine. Its refreshing to talk with him and our conversations have provoked intellectual stimulation that I haven't felt since college. My article yesterday was birthed from this inspiration.

In the love life, I am still wrestling with my patheticness. I email the Indian today just because I wanted to say hello. He didn't respond... shocker. It just makes me feel either crazy or extremely desperate. Both these qualities I do not portray on a day to day basis so I would come to believe that I am completely sane and confident. Yet in moments of weakness when I spontaneously reach out with the last clinging sense of hope that things between us will turn normal, I just feel so ashamed for even trying to mend this broken friendship. I'm not the one to give up hope, but this situation is beyond repair and not worth the emotional devastation that its causing.

On a happier not I am going back to DC tonight. :) My best friend from college is back from a world wind tour of the Middle East and the Holy Land. I am very much jealous of him but his gifted life allows me to live vicariously through him, so I am very much appreciative for that factor. And, apparently I have presents awaiting me...:):):):):):) It should be a good night.

Before I depart for Dc, I still think I'll lay my weary body down upon my silk confider and simply rest. I am in one of those moods where I realize how pathetic and desperate I've acted toward my ex India and need to let my self delve into those crevices of my mind, let it out, and then move on. The silk will be soft and comforting, so I should OK in the end.

Architectural Tangent

OK, I have to go off about this one topic because it just evokes such a strong emotion in me that I can't hold it in....

Contemporary Architecture and the use of Materiality:

As an off spring of Modernism with geometric shapes and lack of ornamentation, Contemporary Architecture pushes the modernist concepts by generating shapes from the simple square to the angular and complex through techniques such as subtraction and addition, rotation, fragmentation, and invocation of the organic by creating mutable buildings. Cool. I like it, well most of the time, but here is my beef: The use of materiality in Contemporary Architecture sometimes generates buildings that are too massive and heavy in appearance to be pleasing and welcoming to the visitor. My main materiality focus is the use of dark corrugated metals and concrete. Now these materials have been used over the ages as cheaper construction items that allow for durability and mildly appealing appearance. Typically in the industrial realm you see these materials a lot, but recently I have been seeing more and more commercial and residential applications. There is nothing wrong with these materials unless, in my opinion, they are paired in such a way that lacks other color, a balance of light and dark, and in general evokes more of an ominous feeling than an appreciation for the architectural form. For me, the use of these materials is completely justified in today's design and construction world with the fast pace low cost mind set, but I implore those using it to interject some sort of color, even if its a white, to offset the dreary heaviness that these dark corrugated metal and concrete buildings can project.

Two examples of this sort of architecture can be seen in La Brea Avenue Residence located in LA and The Radian in Philadelphia. The first is what I would deem a job well done. It is a 4-story residence that expresses the geometric techniques of the Contemporary Style while embarrassing this new usage of materials. However, the architect broke up the use of the corrugate metal and the concrete so they create a more balanced color scheme throughout the building. Also, she introduced a bright red metal at the bottom of the building to bring in color and to lift the eyes from the ground floor to the upper levels. The simple addition of color at the base of the upper levels, creates an aspect of floating the top floors even though 2/3rds of the floors are clearly rooted to the ground via concrete walls.

The Radian, on the other hand, falls short on the application of these materials. The sizable building does not incorporate the concrete as much within the upper, most visible levels which causes the eye to see nothing but dark metal. The mullions on the windows blend with the overall cladding which also is a loss of opportunity to break up the heaviness of the facades. The design of the overall building is rather intriguing but due to the heaviness of the materials wrapping it, the overall appearance comes off as gloomy rather than the inviting residence and community center it is intending to be. I do have to commend them though on the lower public levels. The first 3 levels are dedicated to restaurants and public spaces that are generated through interesting angular moves and inventive usage of concrete. There is even a lovely green roof that extends from "What's On Tap's" 2nd floor eating area into the tree tops that align the street below generating a quiet country aspect within the bustling metropolitan. But despite the good design, the material application in this building overshadows not only the surrounding blocks but your opinion on the building overall.

Therefore, my advice for using these materials is to do so carefully, considering the balance of the dark metal with the lighter concrete. Also, introducing at least one brighter color will help the eye brighten up the overall building appearance. A building that uses dark corrugated metal and concrete can be pleasing and welcoming in appearance if the balance of dark and light is reach through the introduction of brightness.

Fright then Flight, not always the answer

I had something funny happen to me today that I felt I should share... I have been seeing this boy from MD for the past two or three weeks. As we've been getting to know each other, there are things about him that make me hesitant but over all I enjoy his company and spending time with him. Lately, it appears that he is becoming a little more attached then i am, so I decided to come clean and let him know about my hesitations so that we can keep things casual and not jump into the serious after a month.

All day i have been building courage to bring up the topic at our dinner date tonight. I've been going over what i am feeling, thinking of the best ways to present the topic, thinking of when or how I should bring it up, and in generally trying not to freak out. I have come to realize that my natural Fright and Flight instincts kick in whenever I have hesitations about a relationship. This method can be quite helpful when you really do feel the guy is a creep, but less effective when you actually enjoy someone and would like to simply build a friendship before committing to a serious relationship. Nonetheless, the natural instinct to RUN is a strong emotion.

So as I am building up the courage not to run, to face him and be honest and take it from there, he texts me that he has something special for me that he wants to give me before dinner. I about died with anxiety!!! I immediately needed advice in order not to completely freak out and end things via text message (something I would have been upset at myself with later)! So I contacted my roommate, my brother, and another close guy friend for an immediate advice session.

My roommate offered some good advice but I found that the boy's offered more rational and easily acceptable guidance. They said they were 90% sure that this "present" was probably just something small that shows that he cares for you and is interested and most likely shouldn't be anything to freak out about. If there was the 10% chance that it was something big, then there was nothing wrong with not accepted it. Then they said if I have hesitations, that this would be a very good time to bring them up and just be honest. Since I had already planned to bring up the conversation about slowing down, it seemed they were the added courage that I needed.

For a few moments after receiving the advice and returning to planet earth, I was completely humored by my reaction. I was so quick to get scared= Fright and even quicker to resolve the fear through ending things= Flight. It made me realize 2 things:

1) No matter how chicken I can be at times, I must be honest with a guy and give him the chance to absorb my honesty and respond for himself, even if his response is not what I want to hear. This also means that Flight is not the first answer all the time.
2) That i really have no idea what i am doing with this whole dating things at times. Its not something that upsets me, its more something that amuses me. I think we are all in this boat at times: none person doesn't know everything so there are plenty of times, especially with dating, when we are at an absolute loss for comprehension. That is why we need friends, good advice, and a minute or two to calm down a evaluate.

If you are thinking of running for a silly reason, just calm down, be honest with yourself and with the guy/girl, and get some help from a rational friend. Then you'll be fine.

Failed morning commute

I strategically position myself within a city so that I do not have to rely on my vehicle. This means from time to time, when my legs are weary, I will rely on public transportation. Today was one of those mornings that I choe the bus rather than busting my ass.

I walked out of my door with the decision made having made the decision to use public transportation and headed towards the bust stop. Observeing the clouds around me and remembering the forcast called for thunderstorms, I felt it neccessary to stop at my car on the way to the stop and grab an umbrella. I glanced the stop to see a young girl waiting there as I dashed to the car. With 10 minutes of time before the bus was expected to come, I felt my speed was needed but not rreqiured. As I turned the corner umbrella in hand, the girl had disappeared. Confused, I looked up the street to see the Circulator glinting upon the horizon. Anger fell over me. Checking my watch I decided that it was safe to wait the ten more minutes until the next one came.

As I stood there reading my book, I watched for the road, felt the moisture in the air and agreed that despite my anger at the bus, it was better to be angry then drenched in sweat when I got to work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Periodically checking the clock and wondering why the bus had still not gotten there. And then finally after 25 mintues of waiting, when it should have been 10, the bus glides up as if nothing was wrong. The time I spent waiting was the same amount of time that it would have taken me to walk to work this morning. This fact casued the blood to reach boiling point.

While we traveled along, the bus driver seemed to have no care in the world that the good people on his bus were trying to get to work. There was absolutely no hurry in his driving, no speediness to even go when the light turned green. He simply drove as if this was a casual day with no care in the world. Perhaps I would have appreciated this mentality much more if he didn't already make me late to work.

Finally I alighted from the bus at my stop and rushed my tired legs into the building to where I sit now writing this entry. Deep breathe, release, move on...

I feel better now.

House Guest Fiesta

For the past week, I have been able to host my first house guest with my roommie L-dog. We have enjoyed his company immensely and he's even helped hang some larger paintings. From time to time, it is nice to have a capable man around to help out with these things.

Last night, as a thank you, our House Guest cooked us dinner. It was a delicious well rounded meal with wine to boot. We ate drank and were merry for the rest of the evening occasionally hanging some photos or paintings, cleaning up, and doing small chores together. As the discussion progressed, we got into love lives. I made a stunning revelation last night that I am currently chatting it up with all but 6 gentlemen at the moment! Since when was my luck this good!? Thanks to Plentyoffish.com (a free online dating site) and the traditional human interaction, I have been able to mingle with a good amount of gents. Currently, 2 are old college friends that have always been interested and I've finally decided to give them a little more attention, 2 are MD guys that are fun and enjoyable but may not be my style in the long run, 1 is someone I could see myself with in the long run but in the here and now, he may not have enough time for me since his job is demanding, and 1 is just someone I would like to be friends with because his personality is so outgoing. It seems like a good mix!

To be honest, I am thrilled. I am finally getting used to the single life and embracing it more and more. Sure I miss India from time to time and sure I miss the comfortable feelings my Ex and I had, but they didn't work out for a reason and there is no reason why I shouldn't be going out meeting people, enjoying dates, and generally being desired :) The idea tickles me pink!

So if you are single, sitting around at home and deeply desiring a date night, hop online, just go to a bar, see a movie on your own and see if some cutie notices. Just be confident with yourself and you will catch the eyes of a beholder.

A Restless Night's sleep

Man, I normally am the heaviest sleeper but last night I awoke every two hours. I don't know why... Maybe I was hot, maybe i ate too much, maybe I was thinking of India, maybe all of the above. But something in my subconscious kept me turning....

Today, I am working on being productive and efficient. I am in a new rotation in my job that has absolutely no interest to me. Motivation in this situation is hard to muster, but I am going to try to turn the leaf and be a studious employee once again.

As far as the dating scene, I am starting to book dates for the next two weeks! Its exciting, but slightly overwhelming as well. I have met a guy from MD who've I've gone out several times with already. He is really sweet and makes me laugh and I simply feel comfortable around him. The only thing is he comes with a lot of baggage. His family seems to have many little issues, he seems to have a lot of responsibility on his shoulders from the family, and he has a baby daughter... Its one of those cases that he seems to be really getting his life in order now but that his past is still something that effects the present. I like him, but I do not know if I want to take on everything that would come with the package...

I hope that today is a good one. I have good feeling towards it and hopefully, the evening will bring a better night's sleep.

Pathetic - 5 dictionary results

pa·thet·ic 
–adjective
1.causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc.; pitiful; pitiable: a pathetic letter; a pathetic sight.

4.miserably or contemptibly inadequate: In return for our investment we get a pathetic three percent interest.

For the past year, India has been dominating my life, my emotions, and my thoughts, causing me to become more and more pathetic. When I choose to do something that causes me to think in the back of my mind, "You are being so pathetic right now," I embody the definition of the word. And yet, time and time again, I chose him, I followed him, I fought for him, with NO sustaining reward. Every time, I would hold my breath when I got text messages hoping it was from him; I would look for him on gchat even after he blocked me; I would check his facebook and want to comment on a photo or status but hold back knowing that it would upset him in someway... Essentially, I walked on egg shells, praying not to let them crack and wake the sleeping beast that is India's emotional response system. And yet, he would continue to tell me pretty lies, touch me a certain way, look at me with the passion of a lover, or kiss me tenderly, and I bought it= PATHETIC.

For months, I fought amongst my internal selves telling myself, "Just walk away," "Maybe today he'll answer," "He just uses you for his owe needs, cut him off," "He stared me in the eyes today and gave me a huge hug hello..." Anytime I muster the strength to end things, he would let me go for a day or two then do something to get me back. And vice verse, I made it extremely hard for him to leave me as well= PATHETIC.

But its been one month now since we were last together, and several months since he started to pull away. He's been emotionally checked out of this relationship for 6 months now. I may have been pathetic, but I'm not an idiot... He told me one night several months ago that this [relationship] was not fair to me and that the best thing for me was to walk away. It was hard for him to say, I could tell, and the months after that I could see that he fought with himself too. I saw him last week and as he walked away he said good bye and held eye contact with me until he had to turn the corner and his view was cut off. So why won't he be with me if its obvious that he has some sort of feelings for me? He does it to spare us both a greater pain... We come from different backgrounds, different religions, and different mind sets. Sure we could have let ourselves fall in love, but then what... Convincing our families would have been extremely hard, introducing each other to our friends would have been a challenge, learning to respect our differences and partake in our varying cultural diversities would have been laborious, but it would have been possible with love. And this is where we vary the most: I choose the road less traveled, if I love someone, I know no bounds, but India chooses the road well traveled, the road pleasing to those around him and that is easy to maneuver. I don't doubt that he is a deep lover, he has shown me that despite his cruelty, he does care deeply for me, but its not enough for him to choose the harder path. I may never accept this, I may always fight against it, and I may always try to convince him otherwise, but for now, I have decided to stop.

The stronger side of me is winning today and its deciding to stop being PATHETIC. I may be stubborn, a fighter, emotional, and rash at times, but I will be damned if I am going to be pathetic for any longer. My last two relationships have brought this horribly shameful side out of me. Perhaps its youth and inexperience that has caused my compromising manor, but forget that! Today, I FINALLY removed India from facebook, taken his number out of my phone, deleted all his old messages, and erased his number from where it was written in my address booklet. Today, I am a strong, happy woman, finally accepting that the Italian-India sage is over and that I can move on and remain a strong, happy woman.

I look at my own story and see the patheticness in it. I knew even while it was happening that "this is just not right." To anyone out there that is stuck in a relationship that makes them feel less than what they are worth, get out! You can. You do not owe a man/woman anything, but you owe yourself everything. You owe yourself respect, strength, power over your emotions and your heart. You owe yourself the ability to look in the mirror and see a beautiful strong woman/man who is not pathetic, who does not let someone use them, and who does not compromise their values, beliefs, or feelings. Stand up for yourself and walk away. And, though it has taken me a long time to realize, the best way to do this is by cutting all contact with the person. Men have grasped this concept very well, its time woman understand that its OK to just let someone go. Cutting the strings is more relieving than holding on to the tiniest thread. I will say, I feel relieved today to know that I am my owe woman and that India is a pleasant memory that I have learned from and that I can look back on and smile saying, "When it was good it was a really nice relationship, when it was bad it was horrible and painful... Thank God I'm not that person anymore."

Busy bee and a new Lady

Although I awoke this morning with a funny feeling in my heart, I do have to say this weekend was fantastic! I worked hard during the days, partied at night, and shopped like a fiend! The perfect single lady weekend :)

The weekend started with a ladies' night of sorts. My roommate, her good friend from college, and I went down to DC to see Avenue Q. It was a hysterical show... if you want a fun, lighthearted, and realistic show, despite the puppets, this would be a good suggestion. It played with the idea of finding one's purpose, loving and choosing to walk away, and the bond between friends. Overall the messages were enjoyable and the songs were a mix of reality and humor. This show definitely it the, "it's funny because its true" notion on the head. It's playing through the Shakespeare theater in DC.

Saturday, brought with it a busy work day in the new apartment. I attempted to finish the last of the painting by covering the hallway doors and walls with a second coat. Due to time constraints, I only got half of the walls 2nd coated but the doors were all completed... I am disheartened by the way the came out. Though they have 2 coats on them, the doors still appear to have roller marks and small bleed through areas. Although I want painting to be completed more than anything, I want things to look good. This incessant desire for perfection is eventually going to cause me to paint the doors a third time and kill another few hours and my shoulder muscles.

Despite the tiring work, the evening proved extremely entertaining. I had a date with an MD guy. We have gone on two dates now and have had a lot of fun on both...He's sweet and fun loving guy and makes me laugh, which is enjoyable. Unfortunately, there are a few things in his life that cause me to have hesitations about started a more serious relationship with him. Though I do enjoy dating him, eventually I will have to break it to him that I am not willing to pursue things much further than dating. We shall see... BUT despite the future status, Saturday was awesome: we started the evening at a great ethnic restaurant called Lebanese Taverna (very classy style and delicious food), then went to see Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio... IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!! Go see it tonight! It blew my mind and was best moving I've seen in a while. The concepts behind the movie, as well as the phenomenal acting and directing, made for a wonderful piece of art.

Then Sunday I went to Mass. It was nice to sit in the peace of the church with God and with all the cute families of the neighborhood. While I was praying, I became really overwhelmed and teared up... I think for a few minutes I missed my family a lot. Its hard sometimes to go to church one your own. I love being there and seeing the families all together, but then I realize I am there by myself and a pang of sadness runs through me. Its OK though, I am a strong independent woman and one day, I'll have my very own family with me... but for now, I'm fine going on my own. Afterwards, I went shopping for apartment decor :) I bought my first piece of painted art work! It is a picture of a woman in the Old Italian propaganda style (I'll try to upload a picture later). She is set in a yellow back ground and is wearing a beautiful black dress and hat and her face is covered... this makes the woman very mysterious. Her body is twisted because she is walking and looking back at a little doggy... because of this feature, there is a lot of movement in the piece, which I love. I am really excited about it and it fits perfectly in our living room which has a large dark red wall. I can't wait to show off the apartment to guests. I have really enjoyed making the space my own and putting my style into it. I look forward to compliments, suggestions, and even words of dislike that may come in our anticipated house warming, I'll be sure to write about it. :)

So after such a busy weekend, I came to work today completely fried! This morning all I wanted to do was drink some chi tea, eat a muffin and read the news... I did just that, oh and wrote this blog :) Now I must get a little more serious and actually do this fun thing called work. What a lovely way to end a fantastic single girl weekend :)

New Start

Once again, I let this blog go. My apologies reader! I am back now and with a slightly new perspective on things. In order to represent the new chapter in my life that I have begun, I have updated some things with the blog. I hope that the changes are well received and that you know that your support and love is always appreciated.

This new chapter has commenced due to a recent move to a new city. I am now a Diva in Baltimore! Though I will always hold DC in a special niche of my heart, Baltimore has become my new home and is introducing me to a new lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I am still every bit of a Diva, but the culture, the sites and sounds, and the type of people here are much different from DC. I hope to share these aspects with you, as well as my continued journey to love, and my wild worldly adventures.

My first focus, outside of setting up a new apartment, which is coming along beautifully if I say so myself, is creating a balance of mind, body, and soul. I have been too focused on the drama's of the heart and the needs of the body to work on this balance. When it comes to the soul, despite my deep faith in God, at times I have followed the path of least resistance which has led me to some emotionally complicated situations. I've found that a strong faith can only help you to maintain a strong and upright outlook on life and situations. Faith is that instinct that calls out when you are in a moment of decision: listen to those gut instincts, make a decision, and stick to it, wavering only causes more heartache. And in those moments of need, just pause and listen... listening is the part most people miss, but if you listen, you'll hear an answer.

On the mind front, I need to start to focus on my passion of architecture more. Each of us has that one thing that we can spend hours pondering, working at, and figuring out without ever realizing time has past. Focus on enriching your mind in your passion and it will lead you to random and more intriguing aspects of life. Knowledge is power.

And finally for the body, I am going to start focusing on dance. I love performance and movement. I want to focus my physical energies in becoming a great dancer again and subsequently becoming fit and healthy. If you want to loose some pounds, then start today... they will never go away unless you devote your self to determination and fitness. There are so many options out there to simply embrace movement and physical activity that everyone can find their nook.

I am hoping that shifting my attentions to my mind, body, and soul instead of my heart will help be become more rational with my emotions. I am a Cancer, I am supposed to be an emotional person, but it does not mean I have to be an emotional wreck. Anytime I miss India, my most recent ex, I will write him a letter that I never intend to send. This form of release will help you to get out all that you want to say without causing damage to your self or another. It is the best way I have found to release any anxiety or emotion on a topic without harmful consequences. Try it :)

So followers, I hope all is well in your lives and if it is not, I hope that my suggestions above for my own life can help inspire yours as well. Love is forever, God is good, and everyday is a present. Remembering these things will help you see that there is no need for unnecessary pain.

Love vs. a Lover

Despite my many attempts to leave India, his magnetic pull seems to constantly pull me back in. Apparently, I have the same effect on him as well. But now, just when we seem to be able to have an understanding of how much we talk, when we see each other, and in what capacity- as lovers nothing more- everything seems to change again. The last time we were together, we made love, not just a shear romp or fantacy fulfillment, actual love making. It was the first time in 10 months. Where did it come from? This event came on the same day that I needed to tell him that I may not be able to see him in this capacity any more, that I have found someone new who actaully likes me and wants to be with me and that I am trying to decide whether to pursue it or not. He's always surprises me when I least expect it, that bastard. This is probably one reason why I love him.

Our relationship makes no sense. It is a series of internal battles on either side of the field. Occassionally, these internal struggles are taken out on each other, but for that most part we are doing it to ourselves. He believed we can never be together do to our difference in race and religion. Valid points, absolutely. Yet the polar ends still attract and pull us together time and time again.

On the verge now of a new relationship with someone who will outwardly and with out restraint just love me, it is time for me to put my interactions with Inida on hold. I say on hold because I can ultimately see us finding each other again one day in our lives. Him in and of himself is my tangible idea of man. When I look at him, he is my David, my statue of manhood. I don't think I'll ever find another one like him... but maybe. Nonetheless, I know I need more than a statue, more than a tangible fantacy, more than a lover. I need someone who can love me and I know in this juncture of my life, that person is not India. Its bitter sweet but an experience I wouldn't change for the world.

Sometimes, ladies and gents, we need pure love not just a lover.

The advantages of online dating

So the last two months have been entirely too crazy... First, my car broke down and has been in and out of the shop for about a month. My father worried for a few moments that I was dating a tow-truck drivier due to my sudden need for a tow truck every other day... This is not the case. Then, my job had relocated me back to the DC area which meant a fury of packing, unpacking, schedule changing, and overall rearrangement of my life. And finally, I have been chatting it up and dating it up with multiple men within the Baltimore/DC area...

Men are quite funny now a days. It seems no matter how you play it, they are ridiculously lazy when it comes to realtionships... I joined a free online dating website called, "Plentyoffish.com." The point behind this venture was to simply expose myself to men of varying professions, races, ages, ect, and to open up my mind when it comes to intermingle with men I've just met... Let's face it, while growing up you typically meet men in school settings, through friends, or through extra curicular events... Seldom do you find the man of your dreams at a bar and a relationship of worth actually unfolds. In today's society, 1 out of 5 relationships are begun through an internet dating site. I find this to be a outcry to our society's declining ability to socially interact, but nonetheless, it gave me a bit of motivation to check it all out. So far I have talked to several different types of men on the site. Some are kind and sweet, smolderingly sexy, boy next door handsome, and not in a millions years type guys.... It is not that surprising that most of the kind/sweet guys are momma's boys or far to mushy for me and that the smolderingly sexy kind seem to be more interested in sex then actually conversating! It's the boy next door handsome category that I have been dabling in and have been having some fun. It is interesting to see that guys are very hit or miss. Some are engaging and inquisitive, others give you two word answers... not the way to a woman's heart fellas! But for the most part finding a message from a new cutie, or even a lack there of looks, is a nice compliment to your day.

Men are simple scared now a days to approach woman, especially attractive strong minded ones. I think that these types of sites sometimes help the man learn to interact with the opposite sex more so than the female. If you are interested in getting a little bit more exposure to the dating world, I'd recomend this site. The first week or so may feel a bit uncomfortable and you may not get those types of guys your are looking for right away, but keep in mind, if you can't find a lover out of the ordeal, maybe you'll be able to find a few interesting gents to go to dinner or a movie with. Taking that first leap into something new is always the hardest part, but sticking with it makes the difference... Good luck dating!

2 is not better than 1

I have come to find the God has a funny sense of humor and that I am stubborn beyond belief. That saying "Trouble runs in pairs," is completely accurate. It seems that whenever I decide to talk to either The Ex or India, the other one some how pops back into my life. I am no longer interested in either of them in the sense of emotional relationship connections, but for some reason I still chat with them from time to time. This seems to keep holding me back from other opportunities, which I no longer want to allow.

A while back I visited a good friend who I have been interested in for several years and vice verse. Due to my "relationship" with India, I refused to even kiss this cutie. We live very far apart and that one night was the first time I saw him in 2 years and probably in another 2, one opportunity lost....

Now I find that my "trouble pair" is striking again.... There has been this guy in my life for a while now that I am discovering holds the essence of a real man. He is tall, good looking, fun loving, kind, inviting, Irish, and Catholic!!!! This is like the guy I want, but never seem to be able to find. And there he is, hanging out in my life, and I have been too blind to realize. Well, I've finally realized that unless I end the relationships and occasional smooch fests with the other two, this one great man will not be allowed into my life in the way that I think he's meant to be there. Sometimes there are things you can just feel, and in this situation, I feel like I need to stop being an idiot and start being a woman. Even talking to the exes is silly and not worth it, especially if it will keep me away from finding Mr. Right.

So ladies and gents, if there is someone who just happens to be hanging out in your life, start living to be with them. Start making your self worthy of their love, because they most likely are willing to give it to you. Sometimes you can help shape those opportune moments in life by simply wising up to that which is around you.

Quote of the Day

"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles, and kindnesses, and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."


Humphrey Davy

Simply Enjoying Life

So I haven't written in a little while and a few noteworthy things have happened in the past week or so.... I went to confession for the first time in about a year. Spoiler alert: I'm a Catholic! Despite its rewarding nature, the Act of Reconciliation is one of the most daunting tasks in the Catholic faith. Not only does it make you stand up and admit your less than admirable moments, but it also gives you plenty of time to reflect on all the bad you have been up to, followed with a pleasant side dish of guilt. Although many people would run from this Act as if it were the plague, facing it sometimes is the best thing for you. I am all about self evaluation, its the only way we really keep our selves in check and also the only way we stay sain and down to earth. The reflection that is generated by preparing for the act is one of the rare times that you can calm your mind and focus on the things you have been doing in your life. Humbling is simply the word for it and that is the entire point of this sacrament. And to be honest, the priests are never really that bad. Any Catholic or Christian knows the priest aren't going to give you a gold star for your sins, but they also arent going to chastize you too badly. I find that I am the harder judger than they are and once again the point of the Act is made: to be aware of your own faults and want to change them.

So on the dawn of this new day, I urge you to go out and simply enjoy your life. Every once and a while do a self check to bring your focus back into perspective. For those religios out there, get to Confession or simply to church, you will find that a moment or two of prayer will help calm those anxieties and stresses in your life. Striving to be a better person takes time, but its a daily effort to change that gets you on your way.

Walk Away Point

Knowing your walk away point can be a vital ascpect in any type of relationship. Knowing the least that you and willing to accept and deciding that you will not tolerate any less, without exceptions, can save you from many heartbreaks, miss compromised situations, and unsatisfying outcomes. Walking away is not you quitting, its you gaining control over the situation and over your decisions and leaving a bad or unsatisfying situation behind. Walking away is walking to a bigger and better future.

I've hit that point many times within the last four years. Sometimes I held firm and would not accept any less, other times I have let my "limit" be blurred or manuevored into another outlook, but ultimately one that I didn't want. I have let myself be weak minded at times and that is not acceptable for anyone. Moving out of my family home, going to college, entering a life that was completely different from that which I knew changed my perspective on things. No longer did I have a guiding force, no longer did I have the strong minds of my parents filling me with confidence, motivation, life lessons, and love. This was the time everyone come to in their lives, when you are asked to stand on your own two feet. I have been and its turned out so-so. Like any human being, I forget at times the values, the traditions, the firmness which resides in me, but no more. I know who I am, what I believe and what I will and will not tolerate and I will make every means neccessary not to forget or let these things slip. I now know what my walk away point is and you can watch me leave if you can't handle it.

Habits are hard to kick!

If there is one thing I am, its constant. This characteristic is a strange one because it is comprised of several others: stubbornness, strong will, determination, a blind ignorance at times, and a hint of patients. Like any characteristic, it can be good at times or bad... right now, its a habit that is a hard one to kick...

I woke up this morning completely scatter brained. Side Note: This phrase is funny to me because people miss use it all the time. If you have a lot to do but try to work through it in some sort of methodological way, that's not scatter brained, that's just busy. But when you wake up and can't focus your mind on one single thing and decide on just a simple "what do I do next," now that is scatter brained and the description of my psychy this morning. My reasoning for why I woke up in such a mentally haphazard way is that I got used to talking to India. If it was sending a text "good morning," or seeing him on gchat at some point and exchanging words, or even a face to face encounter... I simply got used to him being some way, shape, or form in my communication stream. Perhaps at this point I should mention that our communications were typically not exciting, intellectual, or enjoyable the majority of the time, but they were still there, they were still a habit that I now need to break. I read in my "Why Men love Bitches" book that stopping the thought of the person, the minor (or major) obsession with the person in your life and your in theirs, is the hardest part of moving on and letting go. At least now I am at that stage where I am actively trying to let it go! So as I walked to work this morning, I attempted to focus on at least one thing and on at least something that wasn't India or talking to India. It kind of worked but nonetheless, I am now writing a blog about it :)

PS: My scatter mentality also led me to be the most amazing fashion faux-pas ever. Lets just say my outfit included all of these colors: royal blue, grey, white, deep purple, black, and a lime green bag... Sometimes I wonder what the passing cars think as they see me stroll to work... today was probably, "That's an interesting outfit," or "I think someone had a rough night." It was wonderful!

Oh Gchat

Me: Oh so i saw this gorgeous guy today and apparently he works here but of course hes indian...what is it with me and the brown ones!!!!????

Cristina: u have a type! and it's brown!!!!!!!!!

Me: HAHAHAHA my mother will be so upset lol

Cristina: maybe part of it is rebellion against ur mom that fuels ur attraction for the browns haha

Me: hahahaha it could be, i think its just rebellion from how i was raised in general. Do i want to marry an italian man who is gorgeous, ABSOLUTELY, i just haven't found him yet. So until i do, i might as well dable in the cultural wonders that the good God has graced us with on this earth :)

Cristina: haha well said i wanna dable with u let's go dable

Me: hahahahaha, lets

Perfectly Lonely

So I am listening to John's Battle Studies at the moment. He really reached into the part of his heart that just bleeds for love when writing this album. When I first listened, I was disappointed by the laid back tunes and somber sound. But listen after listen has made me take my first impression back completely. The lyrical purity, the raw emotion in guitar and vocals, in a way the essences of John's music, is still all there just in a mellowed mannor.

Nonetheless, one song, "Perfectly Lonely," always gets me jamming out. Ever time I hear this song a wave of self confidence and self happiness rushes over me. Quite frankly it always leaves me with a happy feeling after listening. In the song, he describes how he doesn't "belong to any body and no one belongs to me." At this stage in life, I love this concept. The freedom that comes with being perfectly loney is perfectly delightful. As a single man or woman, we could litterally do whatever we want. Grant it you still have your self, your God, and prehaps even your mother to answer to, but with moral integrity in tact and judgement at the forefront, a single 20/30 something is the most desired being out there. Think about it, how many married men or woman look at us and think, "Those lucky bastards." Singles, we need to reevaluate our situation. Its not a sad fact that we are without a counterpart for the moment, sure ever one wants a cuddle buddy, but the fact that we can lesser the stress and responsibility in our lives by simply being happy with ourselves, is a beautiful thing. Lets just look at single life not as a lonely cruch that we should rush out of, but as a perfectly lonely state of freedom. :)

Looking at the past... forget that

I was thinking today about the men that have graced my path. The first serious boyfriend I ever had turned out to be an absolute ass that was only after sex and now has a child and wife at the ripe old age of 22. The second serious boyfriend, deemed "the Ex," has done much for himself in terms of material things. He has gotten a new car, new clothes, new camera and Lord knows what else, but hes still the same. He still has his head in the clouds and flits around pretty absent minded about things. He's a dreamer, which is a beautiful thing, but at some point or other, you at least have to make some sort of life plan. I think he is on a path now that is good for him, provides him structure, but still, he has careless attributes to him. Then India. He doesn't want to speak to me anymore. Altough this hurts at the moment because I am still slightly immature, I know that its not that big of a deal. He leaves Baltimore in a week or so and I am looking forward to it. I just want his negativity to be out of my life. I am sad that I wasn't strong enough to push him out on my own, but boredom and loneliness can be two very strong vices.

But why look back on these guys? As I described above, none of them were really worth the time, emotion, and love invested in them. First serious boyfriend was an idiot and knocked up his girlfriend causing him to have to be married at a young age. The Ex is 25 and basically lives a hippy mentality life (not knocking it, just not for me when I think of a husband), and India is such a child he can't even manage being an actual friend to me. He'll probably live with his parents until they decide who he should marry and he decides, "yeah, why not shes nice and hot." Children... all of them. so whats the point of dwelling on the past when really I would like to look ahead.

The point is that the past is what helps shape who we are in the future. I have obviously demonstrated some poor judgements. The men I have let closest to me have never really been worth my time. Boredom and loneliness can't drive your life decisions, neither can infatuation or lust. I suppose we all have to go through these trial runs, thats what the slogan "live and learn" stands for afterall. But keep in mind, you shouldn't dwell on the past. Learn from it, realize your mistakes, and move on. If a man doesn't want to speak to you any more, its his lost. No matter what, you are beautiful. Look forward to the wonders ahead of you and always appreciate the present.

Movie Night

So I saw this movie "A Serious Man" yesterday. It was one of those all over the place movies, but it gave an insight into the Jewish community like one of never seen before. I enjoyed that cultural "enrichment" and in the end I think I pulled out a bit of meaning from it.

The opening scene was the strangest thing ever! I thought we had put on the wrong movie for the first 15 minutes... It was a throw back to a Jewish couple is Poland. A rabbi came to visit them that the wife believed died 3 years earlier of typhoid. Because of her strong belief that he had died, she thought that the man in from of her was an evil spirit leading her to stab the man to prove her point... the man bled and left the house... the husband said they would be cursed forever.

The rest of the movie was about a Jewish man with wife and two spoiled children whose life suddenly started falling apart from every angle. First his wife wanted to leave him for another man. Then she forced him to move out of the house. He was attempting to gain tenure at his college, which was in jeopardy due to anonymous letters discrediting him. Then he had a socially awkward brother who continued to get in trouble with the law... The man looked for help from every rabbi at his Temple, yet no one could really give him guidance or assistance. The man wondered how this could happen "he had done nothing." And that was the point of the movie, I think, that sometimes holding fast to a belief and acting on it can bring you bad luck, but doing absolutely nothing with your life and with the blessings that you have can also lead to bad luck and loss of that which is good. Expressing ourselves, living our dreams, and using the talents and skills we each uniquely have is what not only fulfills us as human beings but makes our world the diverse ever changing universe.

A suppose the quirky happenstances of life can lead to the better or the worst situations. But stepping away from them or handling them in the most mature way that you can, should lead to happiness in the end.... Good luck with all the strangeness that life can bring and if you need a slight pick me up in a quirky way, watch "A Serious Man."

To Do: 3/8/2010

Make sure I am not in financial debt...
CHECK

Get all the "little" to do's out of the way so that my mind can focus on the big ones...
CHECK

Remember why I am an educated kick ass architect...
CHECK

Gallivant with a girl friend...
CHECK

Shop, only a little :)...
CHECK

Work that hot bod (too much chocolate cake this weekend!)...
CHECK

Enrich your invigorated mind to further enhance your intellectual high...
CHECK

Have a long chat with a loved one and enjoy every minute of it...
CHECK

Remember that every day is a gift, every breathe is a new chance, and around every corner there is something new ...
CHECK :)

IN NEW YORK

How can one location of the world inspire so much change in a person's psychology and being. New York doe this to me. Whenever I am here, I simply feel enlivened. Maybe its something in the air that reminds me of who I am, what I want in life, what I think is beautiful and not.

I have come to accept that India is shallow. A shallow person with not much to offer. Although he is of another culture, religion, and background, he lacks the intellect and passion for life that creates a well round person. It is not my job nor is it in my power to change the person that he is or is meant to be. I would love to inspire him in some way to look in side himself and understand himself more, but after 8 months, what i have done for him? He is so stubborn, he won't even take me to an Italian restaurant because he doesn't like italian food... although i like to think of myself as a lofty powerful woman, changing someone is not my job nor my priority.

New york reminds me of what my job and priorities are in this life of mine and I hope to pursue them from now on.

Limits

I haven't written in a long time because I have been going through a very difficult phase in my life. I've realized now that I have not been a very good person. There used to be a code of ethics that I lived by, a system of respect and honor. I have always been a little out of control, emotional, quick tempered, but respectful to others. I tried always to treat others as I would be treated. I don't know what happened to me along the way, maybe I have been hurt by others so much and seen the cruelness of man that somewhere I too became jaded.

My relationship with My Ex was a clear picture of this. We didn't respect each other. We fought constantly, about what, I have no idea. We "fell in love" without really knowing the essence of love, the trust, the respect, the two-way giving that it requires. I gave him everything expecting it back and when I didn't receive it I freaked. I would be offended by such a lack of "respect" that he could be so lazy to not give me back an ounce of what I gave him, but listen to me... who the fuck do I think I am? You should not give expecting to receive. Shouldn't live with an attitude of "Entitlement." If you give, you should look at it as a present for some one else to enjoy. Granted, you should not let someone take advantage of you, but you even have control of that. You are the one that can limit what you give, how you give, don't rely on another person to make you do the right things. And this is exactly what I have been doing. I have been relying on someone else to make me do the right thing for a while now. First it was my brother. I always relied on him to tell me what to do in rough times, what the best path would be for myself. Then it was my Ex. Once I realized the slippery slope I was falling into, I tried to prod him to get me to do the right thing, the "I'll stop being an ass if you stop" mentality. But when he didn't, well I didn't either. It took every once of my strength to get out of that relationship. He pushed me to my limits and beyond and I let myself go there. My Ex did his fair share to guide me down the path to Hell, but I let my "good intentions" lead me there.

India was there for me at the moment I needed a distraction from the confusion the most. He gave me back confidence and hope. To have a man interested in me and pursue me, was so refreshing. But even that played itself out due to my insecurities and jaded view. Once I knew how attracted he was to me physically, I pushed the topic of sex as much as he did. He wanted it, I knew it, I played with that idea. Constantly leading him to it and then saying, "no no." The first time we ever slept together was because he told me he couldn't see me any more. India wanted to be friends and not use each other, he wanted each of us to pursue our right paths, which we knew didn't involve each other in the long run, he wanted to do the right thing. It scared me: I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want the attention to stop, I didn't want to loose him. Instead of doing what I knew was right for the both of us, I chose to sleep with him to show him "how much I cared for him." If I really cared in the proper sense of the words, I would have walked away and given us a chance at true friendship. Once we began sleeping together, we both let the physical passions completely blind the emotional and rational ones. It was a constant back and forth of wanting to be together, knowing we weren't doing right by each other, not being able to stop the attraction to each other, and not fighting the lust. When one of us would stop, the other wouldn't let them walk away. We let our egos and desires get in front our actual caring for each other and ourselves. There's a line in a John Mayer song that goes, "I want you so bad, I go back on the things I believed." I've done exactly that in both of my relationships and it needs to stop for myself and anyone else who takes the risk of coming into my life.

My view of love is how much can you take, how far can you go, how much can you push the other person and still have them come back. The Ex helped form this view, but I can not sit here and say I didn't form my own opinion and perspective as well. My parents are both very extreme emotionally. Its the environment I have been raised in. The extremes are what excite me, but there are limits and that is what I loose site of so often. It takes seeing the pain on the face of someone I care about for me to wake up. If I cry, so what, I can blame the other person for hurting me, I can pump my own ego by saying, I can take it. But if I was the one pushing them in that direction, pushing them to do an extreme that will hurt me in the end, then how can I really blame them? But to see them upset, to see when I push someone to their edge and they know they can not do it any more, that's when I realize my own evils. With India, I keep throwing this word "friend" out there. I have been the least of a friend to him and in return, him to me. I try to be a "friend" to him but in the end I just really want his attention, I want him to still want me, to need me, to come back even though I know nothing good will come of it. So I keep putting the bowl of ice cream in front of him and just wait for him to want it enough to eat it. I expect him to do the right thing and then hate him when he does.

I don't really know how to change myself. I don't really think there is one clearly defined path, but I know that I can't do this anymore. I need to make a daily effort to be a better person, to treat others with true respect and not a jaded perspective on it. If that means that I become a "Coworker" to India, not a friend, a person he once knew and respected at times, then I'll do it. I'll stop for him because I want to stop for myself. Hes a good person, you can see it in his eyes. He treated me badly at times but mainly because I treated myself badly and allowed him to do the same. I have to love myself first before I can love some one else in a relationship sense. I'll hate it: being single, dating, being patient, but if that will make me a better person, if that brings me true love and happiness, than my God its worth it. Doing the right things is always the hardest, so I better start fighting for it.

Another you....

Song of the day, John Mayers "I'm gonna find another You." Once again John not only speaks to my heart but uplifts it into a realm of reassurance and comfort. The lyrics speak everything that I feel at this moment about India. I love how music can transcend every emotion and time period of your life. I've always listened to this song, but never fully felt the true essence, the true meaning, the true feelings behind it until till today. Thanks John!

I'm Gonna Find Another You:

Its really over, you made your stand
You got me cryin, as was your plan.
But when my lonelyness is through, I'm gonna find another you.

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from Blue
I'm gonna find another you.

When I was your lover
No else would do
If I'm forced to find another, I hope she (he) looks like you
Yeah and she (he) is nicer too.

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do
Oh I'm gonna find another you.

Self-Inflicted Psychosis

Honestly, I want to slap myself sometimes. After a very enjoyable night on my own and a hopeful outlook for the new day, I return to work still thinking of the Indian! It is unfortunate that work and my social life are so intermingled at this point of my life. Work used to be the place where I escaped from any dilemmas in my social realm and vice verse. Now, they are one in the same. It is frustrating not only that I have no place to turn for sanctuary but also that I can not get him out of my head. I've already deemed, several times, that the "relationship" was not going to lead to any thing long term. Both of us knew that which is why we wouldn't let ourselves fall for each other, but in the same breath we kept coming back to each other. Why do you always want what you can't have? Its that self destructive tendency again.

At the end of an emotionally charged "nothing fight" that occured two days ago, he claimed that he was never going to talk to me again because I called him heartless and hurtful. Part of me "the Bitch," in the true sense of the word as Sherry Argov has described it, says "Fine, don't talk to me, I'm better off without you in my life. It wasn't going anywhere anyway because you wouldn't let me in, so whats the point trying to stay 'friends!'" The other part, the "Nice Girl," the part that believes in the good in people and the fantasy that every guy really believes in love and has the capability to be a gentleman, wants to apologize for the name calling and attempt reconciliation of some form. Right now "the Bitch" is winning and I sincerely hope that she continues to win because any form of reconciliation at this point is just another form of giving in, another way I've given him want he wants, and another way I've put myself second. Fuck that, I am not apologizing. People will treat you the way that you let them treat you, I don't want to come second to any man, so I'm not apologizing!

Quotes of the evening

"I sometimes wonder what the fuck I'm doing. I have these accidents, these mistakes, the self-inflicted wounds, and the i tear my head to shreds about it for days. I'll read a little something and die a thousand times in my own mind..." -John Mayer

I know what he means. This is pretty much the way I feel about most of the decisions in my life. A lack of certainty, there is no certainty in the world, sometimes you just have to trust.




My Brother: "What would Yoda say?"

Yoda: "There is no Try. There is only Do or Do Not."

We should all live by this, that little puppet knew what he was talking about!

Thanks John Mayer!

There is something good in the world when you can go to a Barnes & Noble, read a magazine article about one of your favorite singers, drink a Chi Tea, and just smile. I haven't written to you in a while because the last week or two has been hell. I decided to throw my self respect out the window again when i let India walk back into my life for God knows what number this is now. A spiral of self destruction is something I constantly slip in and out of, one has to wonder when I'd learn to stop myself. I think perhaps one day things will be different, but then I fear that different may be way too boring...

Nonetheless, I sit here now after days emotional turmoil, distress, and continual self analysis to simply find that I am utterly entertained by the idea of being surrounded by the world when I am on the brink of tears and self implosion. In this Barnes & Nobles not a single person knows who I am, where I come from, and what I have or have not done in my life. This feeling of complete detachment and complete immersion thrills me to the core. Also, the stellar jams that are pumping through the sound system helps, as does an article on John Mayer that is as absurd as he wants it to be. I'd live in his crazy world for a while as long as the two of us shared the truth, while the rest of the world dabbles in our web of lies or antics. John inspires me a bit tonight, letting go of the care and stress of one's life and instead molding it into what you want it to be is truly the way to go.

"The Loss of Certainty," that is the book that is starring at me. I wonder what God's intent is with this book. "How did you get to me, how did you get to my happiness, my love, love, love." These are the lyrics playing on the radio. As I came here tonight in order to escape the misery of a broken heart, misspoken emotional words, and a general state of lonely depression, I catch the things around me and know deep inside why He's put the there. Detachment is needed not from the world but from yourself and the tangled web you create for yourself. Reentry in the world, the observations, the awakening to that which is around you, that's what sets you free.

Congratulations to our new Mayor!

Have you ever had a day when you just fell into a pity party? This evening as I sat on the couch with my brother waiting around for extended family members to eventually arrive from a far, I just slipped into this horribly pissed off mood. I blame the sudden emotional spike on Wii Fit. A few moments earlier, I was enjoying a nice work out using the game when I decided to check my body weight and BMI. I knew that the past month has been detrimental to my waistline, but Wii Fit has a way of being so frank and slightly harsh about your weight status that it really set me off. Now that I think that I look preggers and apparently have the bodily agility of a 45 (thanks Wii Fit age), my mind easily began wondering into other ridiculously frustrating topics.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #1: Why whenever you are trying to forget about someone, everything reminds you of that person!?

Not only did I go shopping today and see an unusually high amount of products made in India, but I also saw said boy's exact car driving next to me for sometime last night. Yup, not just the model of his car, but the exact convertable style and color. Then there is the music. The music is always the worst of the reminder nemasis. This brought me to the first stop in Bitch-ville.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #2: Why am I being so unmovtivated and lazy when it comes to furthering my career and talents!?

I have been getting better at this item, but still, I need to motivate myself more, get my ass moving, working, and designing. These things make me happy, I know this, so what am I waiting for? Exit two of Bitch-ville coming up.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #3: Why are my parents taking FOREVER to come home with dinner!?

Due to my extended families' dinner time arrival, we intended to all eat together. However, my extended family called and said they would be late. My parents, the irrational people that they are, decided to still wait until 9pm to go out to even get the food that they still intended on waiting to eat until our family got in. I am starving and slightly hypoglycemic, where the fuck are they? I am hungry and now in the center of Bitch-ville about to become Mayor.

All of these things left me in a state of utter rage. After having a little freak out fest, I decided to take a hot shower. At this time, I would like to thank who ever created the hot water tank. For me, there is no better stress release than a steaming hot shower and the feeling of release. The hot water just seems to pull me back to reality, allowing me to exhale my frustrations and inhale confidence. Its my "Ah" moment and thank God for it, because I was on the brink of receiving the Bitch of the year award. Bitch-ville is now slowly passing my rear view, frustration released or at least suppressed for the moment, and my Mayoral hat put back on the shelf.

Frantic, but so good.

The day started with a groggy morning as I woke up with the sounds of my alarm. This is more than I can say for yesterday's late ascedncance out of bed and then rush to get ready. As I meandered around, I began thinking about the events of the day and a slight feeling of panic krept into my inner being. Its days like this, when you have so much to do, that you get this feeling of frantic energy. It is amazing and horrible at the same time in the sense that it keeps you in check and productive, but it also instills a panic that keeps you dangling on the edge of a stress attack. Though some may hate moments liks this, I, on the other hand, am excited by this feeling today. Funny enough, it has been a while since I have really felt this energy to just go and this focus to do. I read once that people walk through life half asleep. I try to never be that way, but on days like this, when I feel so enlivened by my own productivity, that it makes me realize that I could be doing so much more other days. Slowly but surely, I feel as though I am getting back to the swing of things, I am finding my balance again, and I am waking up.

I attribute a few things to this awakening: 1) My dismissal of coffee into my day to day routine, and 2) My determination to once and for all loose some weight and maintain my fitness. I know many people may read this and think that these are just New Years resolutions that will fade in a month or so, but I am determined, and quite stubborn, and frankly I want a life change. Today has reminded me how much fun it is to have energy, pure energy that focuses not on someone else, but on myself, my work, and on making things happen. (This may start sounding selfish, but I assure you, I focus way too much on others, which is why from time to time, I need a kick in the ass to make me focus on my own life a little).

So, I hope to not only keep coffee out of my life, but also to work out on a consistent basis (it really does make you feel amazing). Then, I hope to start waking up a little earlier and doing a mini work out in the morning. I think a brisk run before my morning shower, will help to boost my energy and keep the caffine adiction at bay. Finally, charity, its going to come back into my life. In that fascet, I intend to let out my caring, motherly nature, rather than trying to giving all my care to an undeserving man. This will also help me to keep the mentality that I don't need to try to impress anyone. A strong woman is impressive simply by being herself. Thats her power, her comfortablity with her self and her drive to do more. New years resolutions or not, I hope that you all get inspired as well to keep those chins up and keep busy.

Christmas Present

One night in bed, I thought of the most outlandish present idea to propose telling India. I jokingly said to him that I wanted a baby elephant for Christmas. Of course a woman drops these kind of hints for 2 reasons:

1) So a man knows what you want
2) So a man gets what you want.

These little hints or comments are more like social experiments to see how the woman and man psyche respond to each other. In my case, the gift wasn't the point, it was the test to see if he really was going to get me that gift that was the real curiosity. So that night, I dropped my comment like a stealth bomb and waited to see if anything would come of it.

Days later, after the "This is not fair to you Talk," India decided to drop his own deadly missile in order to neutralize an argument that was building. In the heat of battle, the shadow warrior that he is says, "I got you your baby elephant." One simple sentence and I was silenced, that Bastard! It seems that men have their own tricks as well... once again, that Bastard.

Since that atomic bomb, it has taken him two weeks to give me my present. He claims he kept "forgetting" to bring it to Baltimore. Answer me this, how does someone buy a present and then repeatably forget it especially when they see the person that it is for EVERYDAY!? In my opinion, if a guy does this its because they don't care enough. Clearly this was the problem between India and I, so head the warning signs ladies, if a man gets you a present but doesn't give it to you for an extended amount of time, you should be pissed!

At this point, I am not asking for the gift, expecting to receive it anytime soon, and deciding that I hate men even more today. There is still hope for man kind in general, but not for India and possibly not for my Christmas present.

Moments

Oh the weekends come and the weekends go leaving behind moments and memories, either exuberant or melancholy. This weekend contained both these emotions through varying forms of entertainment and time passing events. But in the end, a good weekend was had by this Diva.

Kicking off the frivolities of the weekends was a Ladies Night to rival any other. Dressing to impress and experimenting with make up and hair, three of my good friends and I traveled to Stir in Chinatown for an Open Bar and some good music. It was great to just dance. I love dancing and being silly with girl friends without a care of who's watching, who's trying to impress, and who wants or doesn't want to dance with you. As Dane Cook said, "Fuck guys, I just wanna dance!" That was my night and I loved it.

Saturday, however, was a bit different... It was a laundry and hangover recovery day, which means I was trapped inside until the evening when I went to play pool with some friends. Those in house chore days can either be amazing and productive or boring and slightly agonizing. This past Saturday was a boring, slightly agonizing one. I putzed around for most of the day doing chores, cleaning, and doing some computer work, but overall I just wasn't motivated to do much. Out of no where, I kept having moments of sadness. These are the moments when your memory decides to be vivid and heart aching. I kept thinking of the cute moments India and I had spent together. The moments cuddling, the time he gave me presents surprise presents, or the night we played under the covers and said we were making a tent as if we were five again. Sometimes the bad moments completely out shine the good, but the good ones always seem to come back when the saga is over. It seems unfair almost, but things come and go for a reason and normally knowing the bad in a relationship helps to make those deciding decisions, where as knowing the good can cloud the overall judgment.

After a fun day doing chores out of the house, I returned to Baltimore with a procrastinating mentality. Choosing a few hours of Hot Coco and a good book instead of paying bills and computer work, I slipped again into a little moment of sadness. Despite the productive day, India still crept back into my mind. This time my conscientiousness decided to bring back the memory of the first time we ever spent one on one time together. I walked down my apartment stairs to go fetch him from the parking lot, and there he was walking towards me in a button down pink shirt, freshly cut hair, and a confident stride. He was gorgeous and yet so nervous as I moved in closer for a hug. I wonder where that man went throughout this ordeal...

After this past year of relationship turmoil, I've decided to stay away from men for a little while. Friday was an amazing "Single Lady Liberation Night," and I intend on keeping the "Fuck guys, I just wanna dance" mentality. I just want to have fun and focus on my own life, career, and giving back to the community. I think efforts in these areas will not only bring a sense of balance back into my life, but it will also give a sense of purpose. Advancing one's self is one of the best ways to end the frequency of those little tinges of sadness and simply to help move forward to happier moments.