So I'm reading the Twilight series, which is completely a guilty pleasure and embarrassing fact to admit, however, it seems that I relate more closely to it then I ever imagined. In the book series, the main character, Bella, falls widely in love with Edward, her perfect vampire man. She is then left by him "for her better good" and ends up falling in love with her good friend Jacob. In the book, however, she describes how the sort of love is very different and only a fraction of what she felt for Edward. This is the part that I'm contimplating deeply: the differnt kinds of love.
Wild love: When I was with my Ex, I loved him widly. It was that kind of reckless love that didn't care about anyone or anything as long as we were together. We were spontaneous, illogical, and exhileratingly free of care or responsibility.... but this sort of passion was alway so emotional, unstable, and it cause me to loose a lot of respect for myself, my world, and those around me including my Ex. The wild love made us selfish and blinded, almost like a drug that was hard to kick.... The idea of freedom, that "if he was doing it, why can't I do it" mentality filled our love with feelings of competition, explosive behaviors, and eventually dislike. After that love rollercoaster, I closed that deep part, that wild part inside of me up, almost to a point where I am scared to ever release it again, yet I wish almost everyday that I could feel the exhileration and connection once more.
Logical Love: When I fell for India it was more rational. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into the entire time. It was a sort of fatal attraction that grew and grew and we simply indulged in it. We both had been hurt in the past and expressed that that was the last thing we wanted to do to each other but in the end that was exactly what happened. We were both so closed off to "real love" that we cared for each other in different ways and mostly in physically or on a surface manor. Whenever we truely let our hearts into it, we quickly realized that we should let the other go and spare them from the tragedy of knowing we couldn't be together, from the pain of falling for each other and knowing it must end. We spoke about it often and we did internally battle ourselves to continue or not. Thats why we were on and off so much, because our hearts were yelling at us to stop before we got too hurt. When we finally listened, it was too late, he had already infiltrated me and I'm sure I him. Now we are left with a wide gaping hole, the same one that Bella describes in the books, the kind that aches at the thought of each other, the same one that reacts upon hearing his name. It wasn't the wild love that opened and closed a wound rapidly, it was the kind that made me think of marriage and of possibilities, it was the kind that made me rational choose that I wanted him and that I would fight for him. But it was also the kind that knew that this was all I was ever going to get and that fighting wasn't even an option. I may have chose him, but I didn't get to pass go or collect my $200, the game stopped right where it started and I knew that despite my feelings.
Scared Love: Now I am seeing a new guy (MD) who that treats me like I always dreamed of being treated. One that brings me flowers, goes shopping with me, invites me to meet his family, cleans afer I cook, and even better cooks for me! He is the sort of man I always thought was in the world but had not yet experienced. The kind I feared didn't exist anymore. I'm so happy that he does and being with him makes me happy. Its stragne because its the kind of happy that just is there, not the kind that explodes out of you but the knid that when you stop to take note is just there beaming. But I am scared of the fact that it all just seems so natural, that it all seems good, like some kind of evil twist will one day happen like it had in the past relationships and everything will go to hell again. Its a scared love that keeps me reserved towards him though I am truely enjoying being with him.
These three types of love that I have experienced seem to pull me back to something Bella points out in the story: that if you open myself up to the idea of love again, it will be a different kind of love. Each time the intensity of love seems to weaken or change. This is my worry, why would such an indescribable force weaken or change? Perhaps its just new realtionships and you walls are all still up and maybe even new walls have gone up which explains the "weakened" observation, but in the book she describes her love for Jacob never being that of her love for Edward. I feel the same: my love for my Ex was far different from my love from India, yet the pain of the loss was similar. If i fall for MD, I'm sure that the love may be different too.... so I guess I am asking myself what sort of love do I want? The wild illogical kind, the far too logical but deeply understanding and passionate kind, or a new sort one that scares me a little because it seems right? Which will I choose and is there even a way to experience the same love twice? I am starting to think there isn't and maybe thats a very good thing.
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