Another you....

Song of the day, John Mayers "I'm gonna find another You." Once again John not only speaks to my heart but uplifts it into a realm of reassurance and comfort. The lyrics speak everything that I feel at this moment about India. I love how music can transcend every emotion and time period of your life. I've always listened to this song, but never fully felt the true essence, the true meaning, the true feelings behind it until till today. Thanks John!

I'm Gonna Find Another You:

Its really over, you made your stand
You got me cryin, as was your plan.
But when my lonelyness is through, I'm gonna find another you.

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from Blue
I'm gonna find another you.

When I was your lover
No else would do
If I'm forced to find another, I hope she (he) looks like you
Yeah and she (he) is nicer too.

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do
Oh I'm gonna find another you.

Self-Inflicted Psychosis

Honestly, I want to slap myself sometimes. After a very enjoyable night on my own and a hopeful outlook for the new day, I return to work still thinking of the Indian! It is unfortunate that work and my social life are so intermingled at this point of my life. Work used to be the place where I escaped from any dilemmas in my social realm and vice verse. Now, they are one in the same. It is frustrating not only that I have no place to turn for sanctuary but also that I can not get him out of my head. I've already deemed, several times, that the "relationship" was not going to lead to any thing long term. Both of us knew that which is why we wouldn't let ourselves fall for each other, but in the same breath we kept coming back to each other. Why do you always want what you can't have? Its that self destructive tendency again.

At the end of an emotionally charged "nothing fight" that occured two days ago, he claimed that he was never going to talk to me again because I called him heartless and hurtful. Part of me "the Bitch," in the true sense of the word as Sherry Argov has described it, says "Fine, don't talk to me, I'm better off without you in my life. It wasn't going anywhere anyway because you wouldn't let me in, so whats the point trying to stay 'friends!'" The other part, the "Nice Girl," the part that believes in the good in people and the fantasy that every guy really believes in love and has the capability to be a gentleman, wants to apologize for the name calling and attempt reconciliation of some form. Right now "the Bitch" is winning and I sincerely hope that she continues to win because any form of reconciliation at this point is just another form of giving in, another way I've given him want he wants, and another way I've put myself second. Fuck that, I am not apologizing. People will treat you the way that you let them treat you, I don't want to come second to any man, so I'm not apologizing!

Quotes of the evening

"I sometimes wonder what the fuck I'm doing. I have these accidents, these mistakes, the self-inflicted wounds, and the i tear my head to shreds about it for days. I'll read a little something and die a thousand times in my own mind..." -John Mayer

I know what he means. This is pretty much the way I feel about most of the decisions in my life. A lack of certainty, there is no certainty in the world, sometimes you just have to trust.




My Brother: "What would Yoda say?"

Yoda: "There is no Try. There is only Do or Do Not."

We should all live by this, that little puppet knew what he was talking about!

Thanks John Mayer!

There is something good in the world when you can go to a Barnes & Noble, read a magazine article about one of your favorite singers, drink a Chi Tea, and just smile. I haven't written to you in a while because the last week or two has been hell. I decided to throw my self respect out the window again when i let India walk back into my life for God knows what number this is now. A spiral of self destruction is something I constantly slip in and out of, one has to wonder when I'd learn to stop myself. I think perhaps one day things will be different, but then I fear that different may be way too boring...

Nonetheless, I sit here now after days emotional turmoil, distress, and continual self analysis to simply find that I am utterly entertained by the idea of being surrounded by the world when I am on the brink of tears and self implosion. In this Barnes & Nobles not a single person knows who I am, where I come from, and what I have or have not done in my life. This feeling of complete detachment and complete immersion thrills me to the core. Also, the stellar jams that are pumping through the sound system helps, as does an article on John Mayer that is as absurd as he wants it to be. I'd live in his crazy world for a while as long as the two of us shared the truth, while the rest of the world dabbles in our web of lies or antics. John inspires me a bit tonight, letting go of the care and stress of one's life and instead molding it into what you want it to be is truly the way to go.

"The Loss of Certainty," that is the book that is starring at me. I wonder what God's intent is with this book. "How did you get to me, how did you get to my happiness, my love, love, love." These are the lyrics playing on the radio. As I came here tonight in order to escape the misery of a broken heart, misspoken emotional words, and a general state of lonely depression, I catch the things around me and know deep inside why He's put the there. Detachment is needed not from the world but from yourself and the tangled web you create for yourself. Reentry in the world, the observations, the awakening to that which is around you, that's what sets you free.

Congratulations to our new Mayor!

Have you ever had a day when you just fell into a pity party? This evening as I sat on the couch with my brother waiting around for extended family members to eventually arrive from a far, I just slipped into this horribly pissed off mood. I blame the sudden emotional spike on Wii Fit. A few moments earlier, I was enjoying a nice work out using the game when I decided to check my body weight and BMI. I knew that the past month has been detrimental to my waistline, but Wii Fit has a way of being so frank and slightly harsh about your weight status that it really set me off. Now that I think that I look preggers and apparently have the bodily agility of a 45 (thanks Wii Fit age), my mind easily began wondering into other ridiculously frustrating topics.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #1: Why whenever you are trying to forget about someone, everything reminds you of that person!?

Not only did I go shopping today and see an unusually high amount of products made in India, but I also saw said boy's exact car driving next to me for sometime last night. Yup, not just the model of his car, but the exact convertable style and color. Then there is the music. The music is always the worst of the reminder nemasis. This brought me to the first stop in Bitch-ville.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #2: Why am I being so unmovtivated and lazy when it comes to furthering my career and talents!?

I have been getting better at this item, but still, I need to motivate myself more, get my ass moving, working, and designing. These things make me happy, I know this, so what am I waiting for? Exit two of Bitch-ville coming up.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #3: Why are my parents taking FOREVER to come home with dinner!?

Due to my extended families' dinner time arrival, we intended to all eat together. However, my extended family called and said they would be late. My parents, the irrational people that they are, decided to still wait until 9pm to go out to even get the food that they still intended on waiting to eat until our family got in. I am starving and slightly hypoglycemic, where the fuck are they? I am hungry and now in the center of Bitch-ville about to become Mayor.

All of these things left me in a state of utter rage. After having a little freak out fest, I decided to take a hot shower. At this time, I would like to thank who ever created the hot water tank. For me, there is no better stress release than a steaming hot shower and the feeling of release. The hot water just seems to pull me back to reality, allowing me to exhale my frustrations and inhale confidence. Its my "Ah" moment and thank God for it, because I was on the brink of receiving the Bitch of the year award. Bitch-ville is now slowly passing my rear view, frustration released or at least suppressed for the moment, and my Mayoral hat put back on the shelf.

Frantic, but so good.

The day started with a groggy morning as I woke up with the sounds of my alarm. This is more than I can say for yesterday's late ascedncance out of bed and then rush to get ready. As I meandered around, I began thinking about the events of the day and a slight feeling of panic krept into my inner being. Its days like this, when you have so much to do, that you get this feeling of frantic energy. It is amazing and horrible at the same time in the sense that it keeps you in check and productive, but it also instills a panic that keeps you dangling on the edge of a stress attack. Though some may hate moments liks this, I, on the other hand, am excited by this feeling today. Funny enough, it has been a while since I have really felt this energy to just go and this focus to do. I read once that people walk through life half asleep. I try to never be that way, but on days like this, when I feel so enlivened by my own productivity, that it makes me realize that I could be doing so much more other days. Slowly but surely, I feel as though I am getting back to the swing of things, I am finding my balance again, and I am waking up.

I attribute a few things to this awakening: 1) My dismissal of coffee into my day to day routine, and 2) My determination to once and for all loose some weight and maintain my fitness. I know many people may read this and think that these are just New Years resolutions that will fade in a month or so, but I am determined, and quite stubborn, and frankly I want a life change. Today has reminded me how much fun it is to have energy, pure energy that focuses not on someone else, but on myself, my work, and on making things happen. (This may start sounding selfish, but I assure you, I focus way too much on others, which is why from time to time, I need a kick in the ass to make me focus on my own life a little).

So, I hope to not only keep coffee out of my life, but also to work out on a consistent basis (it really does make you feel amazing). Then, I hope to start waking up a little earlier and doing a mini work out in the morning. I think a brisk run before my morning shower, will help to boost my energy and keep the caffine adiction at bay. Finally, charity, its going to come back into my life. In that fascet, I intend to let out my caring, motherly nature, rather than trying to giving all my care to an undeserving man. This will also help me to keep the mentality that I don't need to try to impress anyone. A strong woman is impressive simply by being herself. Thats her power, her comfortablity with her self and her drive to do more. New years resolutions or not, I hope that you all get inspired as well to keep those chins up and keep busy.

Christmas Present

One night in bed, I thought of the most outlandish present idea to propose telling India. I jokingly said to him that I wanted a baby elephant for Christmas. Of course a woman drops these kind of hints for 2 reasons:

1) So a man knows what you want
2) So a man gets what you want.

These little hints or comments are more like social experiments to see how the woman and man psyche respond to each other. In my case, the gift wasn't the point, it was the test to see if he really was going to get me that gift that was the real curiosity. So that night, I dropped my comment like a stealth bomb and waited to see if anything would come of it.

Days later, after the "This is not fair to you Talk," India decided to drop his own deadly missile in order to neutralize an argument that was building. In the heat of battle, the shadow warrior that he is says, "I got you your baby elephant." One simple sentence and I was silenced, that Bastard! It seems that men have their own tricks as well... once again, that Bastard.

Since that atomic bomb, it has taken him two weeks to give me my present. He claims he kept "forgetting" to bring it to Baltimore. Answer me this, how does someone buy a present and then repeatably forget it especially when they see the person that it is for EVERYDAY!? In my opinion, if a guy does this its because they don't care enough. Clearly this was the problem between India and I, so head the warning signs ladies, if a man gets you a present but doesn't give it to you for an extended amount of time, you should be pissed!

At this point, I am not asking for the gift, expecting to receive it anytime soon, and deciding that I hate men even more today. There is still hope for man kind in general, but not for India and possibly not for my Christmas present.

Moments

Oh the weekends come and the weekends go leaving behind moments and memories, either exuberant or melancholy. This weekend contained both these emotions through varying forms of entertainment and time passing events. But in the end, a good weekend was had by this Diva.

Kicking off the frivolities of the weekends was a Ladies Night to rival any other. Dressing to impress and experimenting with make up and hair, three of my good friends and I traveled to Stir in Chinatown for an Open Bar and some good music. It was great to just dance. I love dancing and being silly with girl friends without a care of who's watching, who's trying to impress, and who wants or doesn't want to dance with you. As Dane Cook said, "Fuck guys, I just wanna dance!" That was my night and I loved it.

Saturday, however, was a bit different... It was a laundry and hangover recovery day, which means I was trapped inside until the evening when I went to play pool with some friends. Those in house chore days can either be amazing and productive or boring and slightly agonizing. This past Saturday was a boring, slightly agonizing one. I putzed around for most of the day doing chores, cleaning, and doing some computer work, but overall I just wasn't motivated to do much. Out of no where, I kept having moments of sadness. These are the moments when your memory decides to be vivid and heart aching. I kept thinking of the cute moments India and I had spent together. The moments cuddling, the time he gave me presents surprise presents, or the night we played under the covers and said we were making a tent as if we were five again. Sometimes the bad moments completely out shine the good, but the good ones always seem to come back when the saga is over. It seems unfair almost, but things come and go for a reason and normally knowing the bad in a relationship helps to make those deciding decisions, where as knowing the good can cloud the overall judgment.

After a fun day doing chores out of the house, I returned to Baltimore with a procrastinating mentality. Choosing a few hours of Hot Coco and a good book instead of paying bills and computer work, I slipped again into a little moment of sadness. Despite the productive day, India still crept back into my mind. This time my conscientiousness decided to bring back the memory of the first time we ever spent one on one time together. I walked down my apartment stairs to go fetch him from the parking lot, and there he was walking towards me in a button down pink shirt, freshly cut hair, and a confident stride. He was gorgeous and yet so nervous as I moved in closer for a hug. I wonder where that man went throughout this ordeal...

After this past year of relationship turmoil, I've decided to stay away from men for a little while. Friday was an amazing "Single Lady Liberation Night," and I intend on keeping the "Fuck guys, I just wanna dance" mentality. I just want to have fun and focus on my own life, career, and giving back to the community. I think efforts in these areas will not only bring a sense of balance back into my life, but it will also give a sense of purpose. Advancing one's self is one of the best ways to end the frequency of those little tinges of sadness and simply to help move forward to happier moments.

Best Friend and a movie

I just returned home from a nice night out in Baltimore with Best Friend. If you haven't noticed, I have a nick name for everyone :)

Best Friend is a boy from work that I have developed a great friendship with. This is probably possible because we have an amazing sexual tension that is just enough to make you wonder if he likes you and just enough to wonder if you want to pounce him... I still don't know.

We went and saw "Invictus." At the beginning it had a few scenes that were just too long. But the overall storyline was phenomenal and once it got into the World Cup, it was great! I definitely suggest seeing it.

Movie etiquette is always tricky, especially with a guy that you are questionable about. But if this guy is interested, he has to make the first move. I played my cool, made lighthearted conversation, didn't put my hand out there or my body too close. Overall, I left him guessing. And he did the same to me, that bum! :) Best Friend has really been a fantastic person to me, so I am quite fine with him not coming on to me. Platonic boy-girl friendships are hard to come by in this day and age, but it is refreshing to have someone of the opposite sex to just go hang out with. I enjoyed my non-date date night :)

And so it ends

Well today was the day for the "I squared Saga" to end. That's what I called India and I because he is Indian and I am Italian. Adorable, I know...

This morning at work, I went to his desk to let him know two things:

1) That today happens to be my half birthday!!!! (Happy Half Birthday to me :) and 2) That I would not be able to make lunch today due to a presentation I had to give (which went fantastically, by the way).

Then I asked what he was doing tonight. He told me he already made plans with his other work friend to play video games, all night. At that point, I simply had it. I stated that he was replacing me with this work friend of his and that I just didn't appreciate it anymore. He stated that he had written me an email yesterday that he was intending on sending me explaining his recent neglect and general lack of enthusiasm for our relationship. At that moment, I told him to his face that I think we are better as friends and that how he was treating me was breaking my heart. I told him to send me the email and that I would respond. It was a mutual understanding really and we both finally were at a state where we could let it go.

The email:

Basically he explained that he felt as though he was lying to his family, friends, and me by hiding "whatever it is between us." He said it wasn't fair to me that he has been treating me in a neglectful way and that by being friends, he promised he would treat me much better. He stated that he has been avoiding me and so upset lately because he has felt so guilty about the way he has been treating me. Overall, he was appologetic for the way his acted and intends to be better towards me, but in a freind aspect. I am fine with this conclusion. It makes me feel better knowing that we will be friends. At this point, thats what I wanted as well. I couldn't take being treated badly anymore and that is what I explained to him in my email response. Funny enough, India taught me two things:

1) The first time we dated, India taught me how a man should treat a woman. How to accept compliments, gifts, and invites to places. How to not call him and have him call you. In short, he taught me a little bit about being a strong, confident woman. For that, I will always be thankful.
2) The second time we "had something between us," (in my opinion, the second time we dated---the way I viewed the relationship and the way he viewed it was one of the main causes for the split), he taught me how I shouldn't be treated. He reminded me so much of all that I put up with in the relationship with The Ex. He showed me how neglectful, confusing, and lazy a man could be in a relationship. He essentially pissed me off, but still taught me how a woman should act. He reminded me that I should always stand up for myself, not let a guy get away with being a bum, and to decide for once, "I don't need this."

Amazing that the two extremes could come from one man but two completely different relationships. I am happy now though. I can walk away from this learning a lot, knowing that I was a good person to him, and knowing what I want from a man. I look forward to our friendship and I'm glad we are finally on the same page.

An Office Space Kind of Day

Bundled up and practically running through the chilled air, I started my day slightly freezing and a little on the sleepy side. Once I got to work and the caffeine kicked in, the day began to be very productive.

One of my girl friends had mentioned to me that a guy she knew just started yesterday in our office. I had met him once before and, according to my friend, he had thought I was a cutie. So I emailed him, like an friendly person would, and naturally he responded back. Through a string of email chats, it become apparent that he also had a deep seeded love for my favorite band, Incubus. As a typical boy would do, he decided to challenge my knowledge on the band. And let the games begin! I, like any slightly competitive person, took this attack of my knowledge as a direct invitation to not only assert my intellect, musical knowledge, and of course, show him who's boss. :) This banter back and forth kept me entertained for most of the day and put me in a rather good mood. But that was not all that happened...

I got a stapler today!!! Let my esplain :) In my office, there are two secretaries that sit behind me. One is a quite nice woman that keeps to herself and is always friendly. The other is a loud mouth, smoking, quintessential Baltimore resident. With her rough voice and attitude, she some how became the guardian of the office supplies. I call her my little troll because she acts and slightly looks like one. Well typically, she gives everyone and their brother a hard time when ever they ask for the smallest of office supplies. But today, I managed to get a stapler of my very own without attitude or the evil troll eye... I feel empowered now with my stapler! This was indeed a good day!

Third times not always the charm

The day before I left for Christmas, Mr. India decided to push back into my life for the third time. After his bold exclamation that he was not being fair to me and my two days of depressed detox, I finally began to accept the fact that we were over and that I would be better off. Then low and behold, he asks me for a favor. I gave him attitude and tried to resist being a good person and his unbearable guilt trip for once. That failed miserably, hes way too good at the guilt trip thing. So I lent him a parking pass that was located in my hotel room... shocker as to what happened next. He drives me crazy by thinking he can just bull doze in and out of my life and heart. And naive little me thought that the third time he returned to me would be different then the last two... Once again, that was a horrible mistake.

Its funny that as I write this article, I am actually watching “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I think the Big Man is giving me one more sign to help me along with my decisions in this relationship. And the line just went by that if a guy generally treats you like that he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care. And this is the case in point that I am in. Indian, he doesn’t call any more, he is extremely lazy when it comes to doing anything, and all of last week he made me come to see him. As I sit here pondering our relationship, do you know what he is doing? Playing video games and watching football with his friend. Last week when his friend wasn't available, he was playing video games and watching football with me. Oh how the mighty crumble or just need a good stiff kick in the ass before they realize the nonsense in their own stubbornness. They thing that blows my mind is that he agrees to be and wants to be exclusive with me, yet he won’t say we are dating or together. This guy confuses me, drives me crazy, and gets me excited all at the same time but in the end he’s just not that into me and quite frankly, its making me be not into him at all. Therefore, I've decided that I am ending things.

I am tired of men treating me like shit and quite frankly it’s my own fault for letting them. Growing up, I, like every woman, dealt with insecurity and the fear of being alone. My brother and I are so close in age that I grew up with a male companion all my life. I used this fact as an excuse for my own fear of standing on my own two feet. But through my experience with The Ex and now with this recent relationship, I have finally realized what I am looking for in a guy and what I am not willing to put up with. When it comes down to it I want to be with a guy that wants to be with me: not when its convenient for him, not when he is horny, not when I complain enough that he feels bad. And if he can’t know that he wants to be with me or show me that he wants to be with me, then he’s not worth my time nor does he deserve me. Every woman should respect herself enough to walk away from a guy who just doesn’t treat her right or make her happy. Listen to your instincts girls because they do speak the truth or at least act as a warning sign.

I'll keep you updated on my mission to be well a Diva. Its about time I listen to my own advice.

Happy Holidays!!

Since I have been horrible at writing in between this busy week, I plan to write two articles today. My first will be a recap of my divalicious holiday season and the second an update on my on again off again love life.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS everyone! I hope that you all had a wonderful time with family and friends. For Christmas, I traveled all over the East Coast to see my family. It was quite enjoyable spending time with the family receiving presents and giving presents to all. The holiday festivities were going wonderful until my friends lost my other friend's 21 year old brother on his birthday in New York City. Awesome times really... searching a 10 block radius in heals and the cold while nursing a drunken stupor and baby sitting my crying friend for several hours wasn't quite how I thought I would end the Christmas weekend. 7 hours later, he sauntered into the hotel lobby still a little drunk and exhausted. His mother was quite relived and his father a little pissed but happy nonetheless. Me, extremely thankful but ready for a nice soft mattress.

Returning to Baltimore for two days was a minor break in festivities. Then off again to New Jersey for New Years! This year I decided to spend time with my family. I figured that I could spend my New years partying with friends, like any other weekend or with my family, who I haven't seen for a while. It was also great to be around the ones I love rather than in a room full of drunken lust filled people with no one to kiss other than some guy that has been dry humping me for an hour and really isn't that dreamy. Family over not so dreamy... I'll take that any day of the week.

In the end, it was a great holiday filled with adventures, family, and way way too much food.