Sometimes I just feel so rebellious. Why should we do that which we are told. Music normally invokes this streak of adrenaline, music and boredom with work. :) So now I want to go out and wreak havoc. I never really do, but I always get that urge to, its just a desire to exhaust the energy that gets pent up during the day. This is why I chose a profession that will keep me on my toes. Despite working in my field, this government work sure as hell is boring. I'll have to make a change as soon as the opportune moment comes along.
Other than a sudden spire of cynical energy things are going great. I am dating a guy from MD who I just have fun with. So far I'm keeping it crazy casual since I simply can't handle any things that whispers thee word commitment, but we are practically dating and its nice. He respects me, actually respects me and that's refreshing.
I'll have to find something to do tonight...
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Just because
Tonight I wish I was a Bengal Tiger hiding in the high grasses spying on my lover. His stripes would be gleaming in the light, his muscles peaked, he eyes intent. What I'd give to pounce out and wrestle amongst the sun lit ground with him...
On my way home tonight, I hope that I get into large amounts of mayhem. I want to explore. Try something different and hey, maybe something fun will come from it.
My heighten anticipation this week has made we feel nauseous, nervous, happy, excited, sad and melancholy. I MAY be seeing India for the first time in two months, I may get to look upon his rippling body again, look into his intent eyes, feel the tension between us again, speak to him once more! He MAY be reentering my realm of life this upcoming Monday due to work or he may not.... its a 50/50 draw. I 100% know why I can't be with him but it doesn't ever seem to stop me from wanting to be with him. What I'd give to just be held in his arms again and smell his skin.
So mayhem come! Distract me from thoughts of the potential future and day dreams of that which can not be.
On my way home tonight, I hope that I get into large amounts of mayhem. I want to explore. Try something different and hey, maybe something fun will come from it.
My heighten anticipation this week has made we feel nauseous, nervous, happy, excited, sad and melancholy. I MAY be seeing India for the first time in two months, I may get to look upon his rippling body again, look into his intent eyes, feel the tension between us again, speak to him once more! He MAY be reentering my realm of life this upcoming Monday due to work or he may not.... its a 50/50 draw. I 100% know why I can't be with him but it doesn't ever seem to stop me from wanting to be with him. What I'd give to just be held in his arms again and smell his skin.
So mayhem come! Distract me from thoughts of the potential future and day dreams of that which can not be.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Freaking out, once again
For the past month I have been dating this guy from MD. He's been a lot of fun, caring, generous, and all around extremely mindful and respectful of me. The problem lies with the situations surrounding his life. In his earlier years, circa a year and a half ago, he was involved in heavier drugs, a sex driven lifestyle, and all in all party atmosphere. This lifestyle resulted in a baby, his beautifully little girl, who turned his life around. Since the arrival of his daughter, he has been really cleaning himself up, working hard, rearranging his goals to be a good father and provider and simply being responsible. Enters, me... I just happen to stumble upon this guy, go on a date and enjoy him enough to give him a second. Next thing I know we are hanging out, he's cooking me dinner, I'm cooking him dinner, and we are rolling right along into relationville... Can I stop the train, please!?
Thing is I like MD guy. We have fun, he's kind, I enjoy having a companion. However, I am not anywhere ready to roll on into relationville nor am I ready to roll into it with someone who's past I am really uncomfortable with and who's present involves a child who I will essential be involved with, effect, and get attached to. These realizations have led me to decide upon "the break up time," (which essentially leads to me freaking out).
Whenever the break up time arrives, I become horribly indecisive. I know what I like and dislike, what I want and don't want, yet I let compassion get in the way of my tiny bit of selfishness. I hate breaking up with people because I am way too nice for my own good and a lot of time I just hate telling them the hard honest facts. In this case, it is mainly me not being ready to settle down with a guy who clearly is starting to in order to provide for his child, but also its partially him. I don't like a lot of things about his past, present, and future lifestyle and I don't think that those things are meant for my lifestyle. My head tells me this is entirely rational and justified that it is better to end things now before we both get hurt. My bleeding heart on the other hand, brings up indecision and too much compassion for its own good along with some fantasy that things will just work them selves out. This is a lie, this don't work themselves out, you have to make a decision which is a catalyst for an action which then works a situation out. I am 85% my decision has been made.
Deep breath... sometimes in this life we have to do what we know is right but that which is hard. I am strong, he'll be ok, we'll both move on to live happy lives. End Story.
Thing is I like MD guy. We have fun, he's kind, I enjoy having a companion. However, I am not anywhere ready to roll on into relationville nor am I ready to roll into it with someone who's past I am really uncomfortable with and who's present involves a child who I will essential be involved with, effect, and get attached to. These realizations have led me to decide upon "the break up time," (which essentially leads to me freaking out).
Whenever the break up time arrives, I become horribly indecisive. I know what I like and dislike, what I want and don't want, yet I let compassion get in the way of my tiny bit of selfishness. I hate breaking up with people because I am way too nice for my own good and a lot of time I just hate telling them the hard honest facts. In this case, it is mainly me not being ready to settle down with a guy who clearly is starting to in order to provide for his child, but also its partially him. I don't like a lot of things about his past, present, and future lifestyle and I don't think that those things are meant for my lifestyle. My head tells me this is entirely rational and justified that it is better to end things now before we both get hurt. My bleeding heart on the other hand, brings up indecision and too much compassion for its own good along with some fantasy that things will just work them selves out. This is a lie, this don't work themselves out, you have to make a decision which is a catalyst for an action which then works a situation out. I am 85% my decision has been made.
Deep breath... sometimes in this life we have to do what we know is right but that which is hard. I am strong, he'll be ok, we'll both move on to live happy lives. End Story.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Oddly Expectant
This mornings commute was different. You know the feeling when your routine changes itself and you realize something new is happening? Today, my usual sparsely filled bus was packed; the rodes were lighter; the people i encountered on the ride were younger and attractive; and the walk into work had a lighter air. Perhaps it is me that is different or perhaps it is the atmosphere that has changed. Overall the feel of this mornings variation has left me with an oddly expectant feeling. It is as the cosmos is subtly preparing you for something big that's coming. I can't help but laugh at the thought that I am living a scene from the Matrix at the moment. Picture Neo realizing that something in the Matrix has been changed and is warning him of some impending doom. I don't feel doom is the what I am awaiting, nonetheless, I may be a bit on guard today and my suspicions will keep me alert for my enemy agents. The anticipation is exciting.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Silken Dreams
Today, I want to wrap myself in silk and rest. The week has been long and busy, but I've enjoyed every second of it. My body is simply tired today, causing my mindset to slow down as well.
I have begun talking to a teacher and biologist online. He is rather fascinating and through some scholarly discussions, I've come to realize that I don't use much of my mind in my present day to day job nor do I interact with people on an intellectual playing field similar to mine. Its refreshing to talk with him and our conversations have provoked intellectual stimulation that I haven't felt since college. My article yesterday was birthed from this inspiration.
In the love life, I am still wrestling with my patheticness. I email the Indian today just because I wanted to say hello. He didn't respond... shocker. It just makes me feel either crazy or extremely desperate. Both these qualities I do not portray on a day to day basis so I would come to believe that I am completely sane and confident. Yet in moments of weakness when I spontaneously reach out with the last clinging sense of hope that things between us will turn normal, I just feel so ashamed for even trying to mend this broken friendship. I'm not the one to give up hope, but this situation is beyond repair and not worth the emotional devastation that its causing.
On a happier not I am going back to DC tonight. :) My best friend from college is back from a world wind tour of the Middle East and the Holy Land. I am very much jealous of him but his gifted life allows me to live vicariously through him, so I am very much appreciative for that factor. And, apparently I have presents awaiting me...:):):):):):) It should be a good night.
Before I depart for Dc, I still think I'll lay my weary body down upon my silk confider and simply rest. I am in one of those moods where I realize how pathetic and desperate I've acted toward my ex India and need to let my self delve into those crevices of my mind, let it out, and then move on. The silk will be soft and comforting, so I should OK in the end.
I have begun talking to a teacher and biologist online. He is rather fascinating and through some scholarly discussions, I've come to realize that I don't use much of my mind in my present day to day job nor do I interact with people on an intellectual playing field similar to mine. Its refreshing to talk with him and our conversations have provoked intellectual stimulation that I haven't felt since college. My article yesterday was birthed from this inspiration.
In the love life, I am still wrestling with my patheticness. I email the Indian today just because I wanted to say hello. He didn't respond... shocker. It just makes me feel either crazy or extremely desperate. Both these qualities I do not portray on a day to day basis so I would come to believe that I am completely sane and confident. Yet in moments of weakness when I spontaneously reach out with the last clinging sense of hope that things between us will turn normal, I just feel so ashamed for even trying to mend this broken friendship. I'm not the one to give up hope, but this situation is beyond repair and not worth the emotional devastation that its causing.
On a happier not I am going back to DC tonight. :) My best friend from college is back from a world wind tour of the Middle East and the Holy Land. I am very much jealous of him but his gifted life allows me to live vicariously through him, so I am very much appreciative for that factor. And, apparently I have presents awaiting me...:):):):):):) It should be a good night.
Before I depart for Dc, I still think I'll lay my weary body down upon my silk confider and simply rest. I am in one of those moods where I realize how pathetic and desperate I've acted toward my ex India and need to let my self delve into those crevices of my mind, let it out, and then move on. The silk will be soft and comforting, so I should OK in the end.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Architectural Tangent
OK, I have to go off about this one topic because it just evokes such a strong emotion in me that I can't hold it in....
Contemporary Architecture and the use of Materiality:
As an off spring of Modernism with geometric shapes and lack of ornamentation, Contemporary Architecture pushes the modernist concepts by generating shapes from the simple square to the angular and complex through techniques such as subtraction and addition, rotation, fragmentation, and invocation of the organic by creating mutable buildings. Cool. I like it, well most of the time, but here is my beef: The use of materiality in Contemporary Architecture sometimes generates buildings that are too massive and heavy in appearance to be pleasing and welcoming to the visitor. My main materiality focus is the use of dark corrugated metals and concrete. Now these materials have been used over the ages as cheaper construction items that allow for durability and mildly appealing appearance. Typically in the industrial realm you see these materials a lot, but recently I have been seeing more and more commercial and residential applications. There is nothing wrong with these materials unless, in my opinion, they are paired in such a way that lacks other color, a balance of light and dark, and in general evokes more of an ominous feeling than an appreciation for the architectural form. For me, the use of these materials is completely justified in today's design and construction world with the fast pace low cost mind set, but I implore those using it to interject some sort of color, even if its a white, to offset the dreary heaviness that these dark corrugated metal and concrete buildings can project.
Two examples of this sort of architecture can be seen in La Brea Avenue Residence located in LA and The Radian in Philadelphia. The first is what I would deem a job well done. It is a 4-story residence that expresses the geometric techniques of the Contemporary Style while embarrassing this new usage of materials. However, the architect broke up the use of the corrugate metal and the concrete so they create a more balanced color scheme throughout the building. Also, she introduced a bright red metal at the bottom of the building to bring in color and to lift the eyes from the ground floor to the upper levels. The simple addition of color at the base of the upper levels, creates an aspect of floating the top floors even though 2/3rds of the floors are clearly rooted to the ground via concrete walls.
The Radian, on the other hand, falls short on the application of these materials. The sizable building does not incorporate the concrete as much within the upper, most visible levels which causes the eye to see nothing but dark metal. The mullions on the windows blend with the overall cladding which also is a loss of opportunity to break up the heaviness of the facades. The design of the overall building is rather intriguing but due to the heaviness of the materials wrapping it, the overall appearance comes off as gloomy rather than the inviting residence and community center it is intending to be. I do have to commend them though on the lower public levels. The first 3 levels are dedicated to restaurants and public spaces that are generated through interesting angular moves and inventive usage of concrete. There is even a lovely green roof that extends from "What's On Tap's" 2nd floor eating area into the tree tops that align the street below generating a quiet country aspect within the bustling metropolitan. But despite the good design, the material application in this building overshadows not only the surrounding blocks but your opinion on the building overall.
Therefore, my advice for using these materials is to do so carefully, considering the balance of the dark metal with the lighter concrete. Also, introducing at least one brighter color will help the eye brighten up the overall building appearance. A building that uses dark corrugated metal and concrete can be pleasing and welcoming in appearance if the balance of dark and light is reach through the introduction of brightness.
Contemporary Architecture and the use of Materiality:
As an off spring of Modernism with geometric shapes and lack of ornamentation, Contemporary Architecture pushes the modernist concepts by generating shapes from the simple square to the angular and complex through techniques such as subtraction and addition, rotation, fragmentation, and invocation of the organic by creating mutable buildings. Cool. I like it, well most of the time, but here is my beef: The use of materiality in Contemporary Architecture sometimes generates buildings that are too massive and heavy in appearance to be pleasing and welcoming to the visitor. My main materiality focus is the use of dark corrugated metals and concrete. Now these materials have been used over the ages as cheaper construction items that allow for durability and mildly appealing appearance. Typically in the industrial realm you see these materials a lot, but recently I have been seeing more and more commercial and residential applications. There is nothing wrong with these materials unless, in my opinion, they are paired in such a way that lacks other color, a balance of light and dark, and in general evokes more of an ominous feeling than an appreciation for the architectural form. For me, the use of these materials is completely justified in today's design and construction world with the fast pace low cost mind set, but I implore those using it to interject some sort of color, even if its a white, to offset the dreary heaviness that these dark corrugated metal and concrete buildings can project.
Two examples of this sort of architecture can be seen in La Brea Avenue Residence located in LA and The Radian in Philadelphia. The first is what I would deem a job well done. It is a 4-story residence that expresses the geometric techniques of the Contemporary Style while embarrassing this new usage of materials. However, the architect broke up the use of the corrugate metal and the concrete so they create a more balanced color scheme throughout the building. Also, she introduced a bright red metal at the bottom of the building to bring in color and to lift the eyes from the ground floor to the upper levels. The simple addition of color at the base of the upper levels, creates an aspect of floating the top floors even though 2/3rds of the floors are clearly rooted to the ground via concrete walls.
The Radian, on the other hand, falls short on the application of these materials. The sizable building does not incorporate the concrete as much within the upper, most visible levels which causes the eye to see nothing but dark metal. The mullions on the windows blend with the overall cladding which also is a loss of opportunity to break up the heaviness of the facades. The design of the overall building is rather intriguing but due to the heaviness of the materials wrapping it, the overall appearance comes off as gloomy rather than the inviting residence and community center it is intending to be. I do have to commend them though on the lower public levels. The first 3 levels are dedicated to restaurants and public spaces that are generated through interesting angular moves and inventive usage of concrete. There is even a lovely green roof that extends from "What's On Tap's" 2nd floor eating area into the tree tops that align the street below generating a quiet country aspect within the bustling metropolitan. But despite the good design, the material application in this building overshadows not only the surrounding blocks but your opinion on the building overall.Therefore, my advice for using these materials is to do so carefully, considering the balance of the dark metal with the lighter concrete. Also, introducing at least one brighter color will help the eye brighten up the overall building appearance. A building that uses dark corrugated metal and concrete can be pleasing and welcoming in appearance if the balance of dark and light is reach through the introduction of brightness.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Fright then Flight, not always the answer
I had something funny happen to me today that I felt I should share... I have been seeing this boy from MD for the past two or three weeks. As we've been getting to know each other, there are things about him that make me hesitant but over all I enjoy his company and spending time with him. Lately, it appears that he is becoming a little more attached then i am, so I decided to come clean and let him know about my hesitations so that we can keep things casual and not jump into the serious after a month.
All day i have been building courage to bring up the topic at our dinner date tonight. I've been going over what i am feeling, thinking of the best ways to present the topic, thinking of when or how I should bring it up, and in generally trying not to freak out. I have come to realize that my natural Fright and Flight instincts kick in whenever I have hesitations about a relationship. This method can be quite helpful when you really do feel the guy is a creep, but less effective when you actually enjoy someone and would like to simply build a friendship before committing to a serious relationship. Nonetheless, the natural instinct to RUN is a strong emotion.
So as I am building up the courage not to run, to face him and be honest and take it from there, he texts me that he has something special for me that he wants to give me before dinner. I about died with anxiety!!! I immediately needed advice in order not to completely freak out and end things via text message (something I would have been upset at myself with later)! So I contacted my roommate, my brother, and another close guy friend for an immediate advice session.
My roommate offered some good advice but I found that the boy's offered more rational and easily acceptable guidance. They said they were 90% sure that this "present" was probably just something small that shows that he cares for you and is interested and most likely shouldn't be anything to freak out about. If there was the 10% chance that it was something big, then there was nothing wrong with not accepted it. Then they said if I have hesitations, that this would be a very good time to bring them up and just be honest. Since I had already planned to bring up the conversation about slowing down, it seemed they were the added courage that I needed.
For a few moments after receiving the advice and returning to planet earth, I was completely humored by my reaction. I was so quick to get scared= Fright and even quicker to resolve the fear through ending things= Flight. It made me realize 2 things:
1) No matter how chicken I can be at times, I must be honest with a guy and give him the chance to absorb my honesty and respond for himself, even if his response is not what I want to hear. This also means that Flight is not the first answer all the time.
2) That i really have no idea what i am doing with this whole dating things at times. Its not something that upsets me, its more something that amuses me. I think we are all in this boat at times: none person doesn't know everything so there are plenty of times, especially with dating, when we are at an absolute loss for comprehension. That is why we need friends, good advice, and a minute or two to calm down a evaluate.
If you are thinking of running for a silly reason, just calm down, be honest with yourself and with the guy/girl, and get some help from a rational friend. Then you'll be fine.
All day i have been building courage to bring up the topic at our dinner date tonight. I've been going over what i am feeling, thinking of the best ways to present the topic, thinking of when or how I should bring it up, and in generally trying not to freak out. I have come to realize that my natural Fright and Flight instincts kick in whenever I have hesitations about a relationship. This method can be quite helpful when you really do feel the guy is a creep, but less effective when you actually enjoy someone and would like to simply build a friendship before committing to a serious relationship. Nonetheless, the natural instinct to RUN is a strong emotion.
So as I am building up the courage not to run, to face him and be honest and take it from there, he texts me that he has something special for me that he wants to give me before dinner. I about died with anxiety!!! I immediately needed advice in order not to completely freak out and end things via text message (something I would have been upset at myself with later)! So I contacted my roommate, my brother, and another close guy friend for an immediate advice session.
My roommate offered some good advice but I found that the boy's offered more rational and easily acceptable guidance. They said they were 90% sure that this "present" was probably just something small that shows that he cares for you and is interested and most likely shouldn't be anything to freak out about. If there was the 10% chance that it was something big, then there was nothing wrong with not accepted it. Then they said if I have hesitations, that this would be a very good time to bring them up and just be honest. Since I had already planned to bring up the conversation about slowing down, it seemed they were the added courage that I needed.
For a few moments after receiving the advice and returning to planet earth, I was completely humored by my reaction. I was so quick to get scared= Fright and even quicker to resolve the fear through ending things= Flight. It made me realize 2 things:
1) No matter how chicken I can be at times, I must be honest with a guy and give him the chance to absorb my honesty and respond for himself, even if his response is not what I want to hear. This also means that Flight is not the first answer all the time.
2) That i really have no idea what i am doing with this whole dating things at times. Its not something that upsets me, its more something that amuses me. I think we are all in this boat at times: none person doesn't know everything so there are plenty of times, especially with dating, when we are at an absolute loss for comprehension. That is why we need friends, good advice, and a minute or two to calm down a evaluate.
If you are thinking of running for a silly reason, just calm down, be honest with yourself and with the guy/girl, and get some help from a rational friend. Then you'll be fine.
Failed morning commute
I strategically position myself within a city so that I do not have to rely on my vehicle. This means from time to time, when my legs are weary, I will rely on public transportation. Today was one of those mornings that I choe the bus rather than busting my ass.
I walked out of my door with the decision made having made the decision to use public transportation and headed towards the bust stop. Observeing the clouds around me and remembering the forcast called for thunderstorms, I felt it neccessary to stop at my car on the way to the stop and grab an umbrella. I glanced the stop to see a young girl waiting there as I dashed to the car. With 10 minutes of time before the bus was expected to come, I felt my speed was needed but not rreqiured. As I turned the corner umbrella in hand, the girl had disappeared. Confused, I looked up the street to see the Circulator glinting upon the horizon. Anger fell over me. Checking my watch I decided that it was safe to wait the ten more minutes until the next one came.
As I stood there reading my book, I watched for the road, felt the moisture in the air and agreed that despite my anger at the bus, it was better to be angry then drenched in sweat when I got to work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Periodically checking the clock and wondering why the bus had still not gotten there. And then finally after 25 mintues of waiting, when it should have been 10, the bus glides up as if nothing was wrong. The time I spent waiting was the same amount of time that it would have taken me to walk to work this morning. This fact casued the blood to reach boiling point.
While we traveled along, the bus driver seemed to have no care in the world that the good people on his bus were trying to get to work. There was absolutely no hurry in his driving, no speediness to even go when the light turned green. He simply drove as if this was a casual day with no care in the world. Perhaps I would have appreciated this mentality much more if he didn't already make me late to work.
Finally I alighted from the bus at my stop and rushed my tired legs into the building to where I sit now writing this entry. Deep breathe, release, move on...
I feel better now.
I walked out of my door with the decision made having made the decision to use public transportation and headed towards the bust stop. Observeing the clouds around me and remembering the forcast called for thunderstorms, I felt it neccessary to stop at my car on the way to the stop and grab an umbrella. I glanced the stop to see a young girl waiting there as I dashed to the car. With 10 minutes of time before the bus was expected to come, I felt my speed was needed but not rreqiured. As I turned the corner umbrella in hand, the girl had disappeared. Confused, I looked up the street to see the Circulator glinting upon the horizon. Anger fell over me. Checking my watch I decided that it was safe to wait the ten more minutes until the next one came.
As I stood there reading my book, I watched for the road, felt the moisture in the air and agreed that despite my anger at the bus, it was better to be angry then drenched in sweat when I got to work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Periodically checking the clock and wondering why the bus had still not gotten there. And then finally after 25 mintues of waiting, when it should have been 10, the bus glides up as if nothing was wrong. The time I spent waiting was the same amount of time that it would have taken me to walk to work this morning. This fact casued the blood to reach boiling point.
While we traveled along, the bus driver seemed to have no care in the world that the good people on his bus were trying to get to work. There was absolutely no hurry in his driving, no speediness to even go when the light turned green. He simply drove as if this was a casual day with no care in the world. Perhaps I would have appreciated this mentality much more if he didn't already make me late to work.
Finally I alighted from the bus at my stop and rushed my tired legs into the building to where I sit now writing this entry. Deep breathe, release, move on...
I feel better now.
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