Walk Away Point

Knowing your walk away point can be a vital ascpect in any type of relationship. Knowing the least that you and willing to accept and deciding that you will not tolerate any less, without exceptions, can save you from many heartbreaks, miss compromised situations, and unsatisfying outcomes. Walking away is not you quitting, its you gaining control over the situation and over your decisions and leaving a bad or unsatisfying situation behind. Walking away is walking to a bigger and better future.

I've hit that point many times within the last four years. Sometimes I held firm and would not accept any less, other times I have let my "limit" be blurred or manuevored into another outlook, but ultimately one that I didn't want. I have let myself be weak minded at times and that is not acceptable for anyone. Moving out of my family home, going to college, entering a life that was completely different from that which I knew changed my perspective on things. No longer did I have a guiding force, no longer did I have the strong minds of my parents filling me with confidence, motivation, life lessons, and love. This was the time everyone come to in their lives, when you are asked to stand on your own two feet. I have been and its turned out so-so. Like any human being, I forget at times the values, the traditions, the firmness which resides in me, but no more. I know who I am, what I believe and what I will and will not tolerate and I will make every means neccessary not to forget or let these things slip. I now know what my walk away point is and you can watch me leave if you can't handle it.

Habits are hard to kick!

If there is one thing I am, its constant. This characteristic is a strange one because it is comprised of several others: stubbornness, strong will, determination, a blind ignorance at times, and a hint of patients. Like any characteristic, it can be good at times or bad... right now, its a habit that is a hard one to kick...

I woke up this morning completely scatter brained. Side Note: This phrase is funny to me because people miss use it all the time. If you have a lot to do but try to work through it in some sort of methodological way, that's not scatter brained, that's just busy. But when you wake up and can't focus your mind on one single thing and decide on just a simple "what do I do next," now that is scatter brained and the description of my psychy this morning. My reasoning for why I woke up in such a mentally haphazard way is that I got used to talking to India. If it was sending a text "good morning," or seeing him on gchat at some point and exchanging words, or even a face to face encounter... I simply got used to him being some way, shape, or form in my communication stream. Perhaps at this point I should mention that our communications were typically not exciting, intellectual, or enjoyable the majority of the time, but they were still there, they were still a habit that I now need to break. I read in my "Why Men love Bitches" book that stopping the thought of the person, the minor (or major) obsession with the person in your life and your in theirs, is the hardest part of moving on and letting go. At least now I am at that stage where I am actively trying to let it go! So as I walked to work this morning, I attempted to focus on at least one thing and on at least something that wasn't India or talking to India. It kind of worked but nonetheless, I am now writing a blog about it :)

PS: My scatter mentality also led me to be the most amazing fashion faux-pas ever. Lets just say my outfit included all of these colors: royal blue, grey, white, deep purple, black, and a lime green bag... Sometimes I wonder what the passing cars think as they see me stroll to work... today was probably, "That's an interesting outfit," or "I think someone had a rough night." It was wonderful!

Oh Gchat

Me: Oh so i saw this gorgeous guy today and apparently he works here but of course hes indian...what is it with me and the brown ones!!!!????

Cristina: u have a type! and it's brown!!!!!!!!!

Me: HAHAHAHA my mother will be so upset lol

Cristina: maybe part of it is rebellion against ur mom that fuels ur attraction for the browns haha

Me: hahahaha it could be, i think its just rebellion from how i was raised in general. Do i want to marry an italian man who is gorgeous, ABSOLUTELY, i just haven't found him yet. So until i do, i might as well dable in the cultural wonders that the good God has graced us with on this earth :)

Cristina: haha well said i wanna dable with u let's go dable

Me: hahahahaha, lets

Perfectly Lonely

So I am listening to John's Battle Studies at the moment. He really reached into the part of his heart that just bleeds for love when writing this album. When I first listened, I was disappointed by the laid back tunes and somber sound. But listen after listen has made me take my first impression back completely. The lyrical purity, the raw emotion in guitar and vocals, in a way the essences of John's music, is still all there just in a mellowed mannor.

Nonetheless, one song, "Perfectly Lonely," always gets me jamming out. Ever time I hear this song a wave of self confidence and self happiness rushes over me. Quite frankly it always leaves me with a happy feeling after listening. In the song, he describes how he doesn't "belong to any body and no one belongs to me." At this stage in life, I love this concept. The freedom that comes with being perfectly loney is perfectly delightful. As a single man or woman, we could litterally do whatever we want. Grant it you still have your self, your God, and prehaps even your mother to answer to, but with moral integrity in tact and judgement at the forefront, a single 20/30 something is the most desired being out there. Think about it, how many married men or woman look at us and think, "Those lucky bastards." Singles, we need to reevaluate our situation. Its not a sad fact that we are without a counterpart for the moment, sure ever one wants a cuddle buddy, but the fact that we can lesser the stress and responsibility in our lives by simply being happy with ourselves, is a beautiful thing. Lets just look at single life not as a lonely cruch that we should rush out of, but as a perfectly lonely state of freedom. :)

Looking at the past... forget that

I was thinking today about the men that have graced my path. The first serious boyfriend I ever had turned out to be an absolute ass that was only after sex and now has a child and wife at the ripe old age of 22. The second serious boyfriend, deemed "the Ex," has done much for himself in terms of material things. He has gotten a new car, new clothes, new camera and Lord knows what else, but hes still the same. He still has his head in the clouds and flits around pretty absent minded about things. He's a dreamer, which is a beautiful thing, but at some point or other, you at least have to make some sort of life plan. I think he is on a path now that is good for him, provides him structure, but still, he has careless attributes to him. Then India. He doesn't want to speak to me anymore. Altough this hurts at the moment because I am still slightly immature, I know that its not that big of a deal. He leaves Baltimore in a week or so and I am looking forward to it. I just want his negativity to be out of my life. I am sad that I wasn't strong enough to push him out on my own, but boredom and loneliness can be two very strong vices.

But why look back on these guys? As I described above, none of them were really worth the time, emotion, and love invested in them. First serious boyfriend was an idiot and knocked up his girlfriend causing him to have to be married at a young age. The Ex is 25 and basically lives a hippy mentality life (not knocking it, just not for me when I think of a husband), and India is such a child he can't even manage being an actual friend to me. He'll probably live with his parents until they decide who he should marry and he decides, "yeah, why not shes nice and hot." Children... all of them. so whats the point of dwelling on the past when really I would like to look ahead.

The point is that the past is what helps shape who we are in the future. I have obviously demonstrated some poor judgements. The men I have let closest to me have never really been worth my time. Boredom and loneliness can't drive your life decisions, neither can infatuation or lust. I suppose we all have to go through these trial runs, thats what the slogan "live and learn" stands for afterall. But keep in mind, you shouldn't dwell on the past. Learn from it, realize your mistakes, and move on. If a man doesn't want to speak to you any more, its his lost. No matter what, you are beautiful. Look forward to the wonders ahead of you and always appreciate the present.

Movie Night

So I saw this movie "A Serious Man" yesterday. It was one of those all over the place movies, but it gave an insight into the Jewish community like one of never seen before. I enjoyed that cultural "enrichment" and in the end I think I pulled out a bit of meaning from it.

The opening scene was the strangest thing ever! I thought we had put on the wrong movie for the first 15 minutes... It was a throw back to a Jewish couple is Poland. A rabbi came to visit them that the wife believed died 3 years earlier of typhoid. Because of her strong belief that he had died, she thought that the man in from of her was an evil spirit leading her to stab the man to prove her point... the man bled and left the house... the husband said they would be cursed forever.

The rest of the movie was about a Jewish man with wife and two spoiled children whose life suddenly started falling apart from every angle. First his wife wanted to leave him for another man. Then she forced him to move out of the house. He was attempting to gain tenure at his college, which was in jeopardy due to anonymous letters discrediting him. Then he had a socially awkward brother who continued to get in trouble with the law... The man looked for help from every rabbi at his Temple, yet no one could really give him guidance or assistance. The man wondered how this could happen "he had done nothing." And that was the point of the movie, I think, that sometimes holding fast to a belief and acting on it can bring you bad luck, but doing absolutely nothing with your life and with the blessings that you have can also lead to bad luck and loss of that which is good. Expressing ourselves, living our dreams, and using the talents and skills we each uniquely have is what not only fulfills us as human beings but makes our world the diverse ever changing universe.

A suppose the quirky happenstances of life can lead to the better or the worst situations. But stepping away from them or handling them in the most mature way that you can, should lead to happiness in the end.... Good luck with all the strangeness that life can bring and if you need a slight pick me up in a quirky way, watch "A Serious Man."

To Do: 3/8/2010

Make sure I am not in financial debt...
CHECK

Get all the "little" to do's out of the way so that my mind can focus on the big ones...
CHECK

Remember why I am an educated kick ass architect...
CHECK

Gallivant with a girl friend...
CHECK

Shop, only a little :)...
CHECK

Work that hot bod (too much chocolate cake this weekend!)...
CHECK

Enrich your invigorated mind to further enhance your intellectual high...
CHECK

Have a long chat with a loved one and enjoy every minute of it...
CHECK

Remember that every day is a gift, every breathe is a new chance, and around every corner there is something new ...
CHECK :)

IN NEW YORK

How can one location of the world inspire so much change in a person's psychology and being. New York doe this to me. Whenever I am here, I simply feel enlivened. Maybe its something in the air that reminds me of who I am, what I want in life, what I think is beautiful and not.

I have come to accept that India is shallow. A shallow person with not much to offer. Although he is of another culture, religion, and background, he lacks the intellect and passion for life that creates a well round person. It is not my job nor is it in my power to change the person that he is or is meant to be. I would love to inspire him in some way to look in side himself and understand himself more, but after 8 months, what i have done for him? He is so stubborn, he won't even take me to an Italian restaurant because he doesn't like italian food... although i like to think of myself as a lofty powerful woman, changing someone is not my job nor my priority.

New york reminds me of what my job and priorities are in this life of mine and I hope to pursue them from now on.

Limits

I haven't written in a long time because I have been going through a very difficult phase in my life. I've realized now that I have not been a very good person. There used to be a code of ethics that I lived by, a system of respect and honor. I have always been a little out of control, emotional, quick tempered, but respectful to others. I tried always to treat others as I would be treated. I don't know what happened to me along the way, maybe I have been hurt by others so much and seen the cruelness of man that somewhere I too became jaded.

My relationship with My Ex was a clear picture of this. We didn't respect each other. We fought constantly, about what, I have no idea. We "fell in love" without really knowing the essence of love, the trust, the respect, the two-way giving that it requires. I gave him everything expecting it back and when I didn't receive it I freaked. I would be offended by such a lack of "respect" that he could be so lazy to not give me back an ounce of what I gave him, but listen to me... who the fuck do I think I am? You should not give expecting to receive. Shouldn't live with an attitude of "Entitlement." If you give, you should look at it as a present for some one else to enjoy. Granted, you should not let someone take advantage of you, but you even have control of that. You are the one that can limit what you give, how you give, don't rely on another person to make you do the right things. And this is exactly what I have been doing. I have been relying on someone else to make me do the right thing for a while now. First it was my brother. I always relied on him to tell me what to do in rough times, what the best path would be for myself. Then it was my Ex. Once I realized the slippery slope I was falling into, I tried to prod him to get me to do the right thing, the "I'll stop being an ass if you stop" mentality. But when he didn't, well I didn't either. It took every once of my strength to get out of that relationship. He pushed me to my limits and beyond and I let myself go there. My Ex did his fair share to guide me down the path to Hell, but I let my "good intentions" lead me there.

India was there for me at the moment I needed a distraction from the confusion the most. He gave me back confidence and hope. To have a man interested in me and pursue me, was so refreshing. But even that played itself out due to my insecurities and jaded view. Once I knew how attracted he was to me physically, I pushed the topic of sex as much as he did. He wanted it, I knew it, I played with that idea. Constantly leading him to it and then saying, "no no." The first time we ever slept together was because he told me he couldn't see me any more. India wanted to be friends and not use each other, he wanted each of us to pursue our right paths, which we knew didn't involve each other in the long run, he wanted to do the right thing. It scared me: I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want the attention to stop, I didn't want to loose him. Instead of doing what I knew was right for the both of us, I chose to sleep with him to show him "how much I cared for him." If I really cared in the proper sense of the words, I would have walked away and given us a chance at true friendship. Once we began sleeping together, we both let the physical passions completely blind the emotional and rational ones. It was a constant back and forth of wanting to be together, knowing we weren't doing right by each other, not being able to stop the attraction to each other, and not fighting the lust. When one of us would stop, the other wouldn't let them walk away. We let our egos and desires get in front our actual caring for each other and ourselves. There's a line in a John Mayer song that goes, "I want you so bad, I go back on the things I believed." I've done exactly that in both of my relationships and it needs to stop for myself and anyone else who takes the risk of coming into my life.

My view of love is how much can you take, how far can you go, how much can you push the other person and still have them come back. The Ex helped form this view, but I can not sit here and say I didn't form my own opinion and perspective as well. My parents are both very extreme emotionally. Its the environment I have been raised in. The extremes are what excite me, but there are limits and that is what I loose site of so often. It takes seeing the pain on the face of someone I care about for me to wake up. If I cry, so what, I can blame the other person for hurting me, I can pump my own ego by saying, I can take it. But if I was the one pushing them in that direction, pushing them to do an extreme that will hurt me in the end, then how can I really blame them? But to see them upset, to see when I push someone to their edge and they know they can not do it any more, that's when I realize my own evils. With India, I keep throwing this word "friend" out there. I have been the least of a friend to him and in return, him to me. I try to be a "friend" to him but in the end I just really want his attention, I want him to still want me, to need me, to come back even though I know nothing good will come of it. So I keep putting the bowl of ice cream in front of him and just wait for him to want it enough to eat it. I expect him to do the right thing and then hate him when he does.

I don't really know how to change myself. I don't really think there is one clearly defined path, but I know that I can't do this anymore. I need to make a daily effort to be a better person, to treat others with true respect and not a jaded perspective on it. If that means that I become a "Coworker" to India, not a friend, a person he once knew and respected at times, then I'll do it. I'll stop for him because I want to stop for myself. Hes a good person, you can see it in his eyes. He treated me badly at times but mainly because I treated myself badly and allowed him to do the same. I have to love myself first before I can love some one else in a relationship sense. I'll hate it: being single, dating, being patient, but if that will make me a better person, if that brings me true love and happiness, than my God its worth it. Doing the right things is always the hardest, so I better start fighting for it.