House Guest Fiesta

For the past week, I have been able to host my first house guest with my roommie L-dog. We have enjoyed his company immensely and he's even helped hang some larger paintings. From time to time, it is nice to have a capable man around to help out with these things.

Last night, as a thank you, our House Guest cooked us dinner. It was a delicious well rounded meal with wine to boot. We ate drank and were merry for the rest of the evening occasionally hanging some photos or paintings, cleaning up, and doing small chores together. As the discussion progressed, we got into love lives. I made a stunning revelation last night that I am currently chatting it up with all but 6 gentlemen at the moment! Since when was my luck this good!? Thanks to Plentyoffish.com (a free online dating site) and the traditional human interaction, I have been able to mingle with a good amount of gents. Currently, 2 are old college friends that have always been interested and I've finally decided to give them a little more attention, 2 are MD guys that are fun and enjoyable but may not be my style in the long run, 1 is someone I could see myself with in the long run but in the here and now, he may not have enough time for me since his job is demanding, and 1 is just someone I would like to be friends with because his personality is so outgoing. It seems like a good mix!

To be honest, I am thrilled. I am finally getting used to the single life and embracing it more and more. Sure I miss India from time to time and sure I miss the comfortable feelings my Ex and I had, but they didn't work out for a reason and there is no reason why I shouldn't be going out meeting people, enjoying dates, and generally being desired :) The idea tickles me pink!

So if you are single, sitting around at home and deeply desiring a date night, hop online, just go to a bar, see a movie on your own and see if some cutie notices. Just be confident with yourself and you will catch the eyes of a beholder.

A Restless Night's sleep

Man, I normally am the heaviest sleeper but last night I awoke every two hours. I don't know why... Maybe I was hot, maybe i ate too much, maybe I was thinking of India, maybe all of the above. But something in my subconscious kept me turning....

Today, I am working on being productive and efficient. I am in a new rotation in my job that has absolutely no interest to me. Motivation in this situation is hard to muster, but I am going to try to turn the leaf and be a studious employee once again.

As far as the dating scene, I am starting to book dates for the next two weeks! Its exciting, but slightly overwhelming as well. I have met a guy from MD who've I've gone out several times with already. He is really sweet and makes me laugh and I simply feel comfortable around him. The only thing is he comes with a lot of baggage. His family seems to have many little issues, he seems to have a lot of responsibility on his shoulders from the family, and he has a baby daughter... Its one of those cases that he seems to be really getting his life in order now but that his past is still something that effects the present. I like him, but I do not know if I want to take on everything that would come with the package...

I hope that today is a good one. I have good feeling towards it and hopefully, the evening will bring a better night's sleep.

Pathetic - 5 dictionary results

pa·thet·ic 
–adjective
1.causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc.; pitiful; pitiable: a pathetic letter; a pathetic sight.

4.miserably or contemptibly inadequate: In return for our investment we get a pathetic three percent interest.

For the past year, India has been dominating my life, my emotions, and my thoughts, causing me to become more and more pathetic. When I choose to do something that causes me to think in the back of my mind, "You are being so pathetic right now," I embody the definition of the word. And yet, time and time again, I chose him, I followed him, I fought for him, with NO sustaining reward. Every time, I would hold my breath when I got text messages hoping it was from him; I would look for him on gchat even after he blocked me; I would check his facebook and want to comment on a photo or status but hold back knowing that it would upset him in someway... Essentially, I walked on egg shells, praying not to let them crack and wake the sleeping beast that is India's emotional response system. And yet, he would continue to tell me pretty lies, touch me a certain way, look at me with the passion of a lover, or kiss me tenderly, and I bought it= PATHETIC.

For months, I fought amongst my internal selves telling myself, "Just walk away," "Maybe today he'll answer," "He just uses you for his owe needs, cut him off," "He stared me in the eyes today and gave me a huge hug hello..." Anytime I muster the strength to end things, he would let me go for a day or two then do something to get me back. And vice verse, I made it extremely hard for him to leave me as well= PATHETIC.

But its been one month now since we were last together, and several months since he started to pull away. He's been emotionally checked out of this relationship for 6 months now. I may have been pathetic, but I'm not an idiot... He told me one night several months ago that this [relationship] was not fair to me and that the best thing for me was to walk away. It was hard for him to say, I could tell, and the months after that I could see that he fought with himself too. I saw him last week and as he walked away he said good bye and held eye contact with me until he had to turn the corner and his view was cut off. So why won't he be with me if its obvious that he has some sort of feelings for me? He does it to spare us both a greater pain... We come from different backgrounds, different religions, and different mind sets. Sure we could have let ourselves fall in love, but then what... Convincing our families would have been extremely hard, introducing each other to our friends would have been a challenge, learning to respect our differences and partake in our varying cultural diversities would have been laborious, but it would have been possible with love. And this is where we vary the most: I choose the road less traveled, if I love someone, I know no bounds, but India chooses the road well traveled, the road pleasing to those around him and that is easy to maneuver. I don't doubt that he is a deep lover, he has shown me that despite his cruelty, he does care deeply for me, but its not enough for him to choose the harder path. I may never accept this, I may always fight against it, and I may always try to convince him otherwise, but for now, I have decided to stop.

The stronger side of me is winning today and its deciding to stop being PATHETIC. I may be stubborn, a fighter, emotional, and rash at times, but I will be damned if I am going to be pathetic for any longer. My last two relationships have brought this horribly shameful side out of me. Perhaps its youth and inexperience that has caused my compromising manor, but forget that! Today, I FINALLY removed India from facebook, taken his number out of my phone, deleted all his old messages, and erased his number from where it was written in my address booklet. Today, I am a strong, happy woman, finally accepting that the Italian-India sage is over and that I can move on and remain a strong, happy woman.

I look at my own story and see the patheticness in it. I knew even while it was happening that "this is just not right." To anyone out there that is stuck in a relationship that makes them feel less than what they are worth, get out! You can. You do not owe a man/woman anything, but you owe yourself everything. You owe yourself respect, strength, power over your emotions and your heart. You owe yourself the ability to look in the mirror and see a beautiful strong woman/man who is not pathetic, who does not let someone use them, and who does not compromise their values, beliefs, or feelings. Stand up for yourself and walk away. And, though it has taken me a long time to realize, the best way to do this is by cutting all contact with the person. Men have grasped this concept very well, its time woman understand that its OK to just let someone go. Cutting the strings is more relieving than holding on to the tiniest thread. I will say, I feel relieved today to know that I am my owe woman and that India is a pleasant memory that I have learned from and that I can look back on and smile saying, "When it was good it was a really nice relationship, when it was bad it was horrible and painful... Thank God I'm not that person anymore."

Busy bee and a new Lady

Although I awoke this morning with a funny feeling in my heart, I do have to say this weekend was fantastic! I worked hard during the days, partied at night, and shopped like a fiend! The perfect single lady weekend :)

The weekend started with a ladies' night of sorts. My roommate, her good friend from college, and I went down to DC to see Avenue Q. It was a hysterical show... if you want a fun, lighthearted, and realistic show, despite the puppets, this would be a good suggestion. It played with the idea of finding one's purpose, loving and choosing to walk away, and the bond between friends. Overall the messages were enjoyable and the songs were a mix of reality and humor. This show definitely it the, "it's funny because its true" notion on the head. It's playing through the Shakespeare theater in DC.

Saturday, brought with it a busy work day in the new apartment. I attempted to finish the last of the painting by covering the hallway doors and walls with a second coat. Due to time constraints, I only got half of the walls 2nd coated but the doors were all completed... I am disheartened by the way the came out. Though they have 2 coats on them, the doors still appear to have roller marks and small bleed through areas. Although I want painting to be completed more than anything, I want things to look good. This incessant desire for perfection is eventually going to cause me to paint the doors a third time and kill another few hours and my shoulder muscles.

Despite the tiring work, the evening proved extremely entertaining. I had a date with an MD guy. We have gone on two dates now and have had a lot of fun on both...He's sweet and fun loving guy and makes me laugh, which is enjoyable. Unfortunately, there are a few things in his life that cause me to have hesitations about started a more serious relationship with him. Though I do enjoy dating him, eventually I will have to break it to him that I am not willing to pursue things much further than dating. We shall see... BUT despite the future status, Saturday was awesome: we started the evening at a great ethnic restaurant called Lebanese Taverna (very classy style and delicious food), then went to see Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio... IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!! Go see it tonight! It blew my mind and was best moving I've seen in a while. The concepts behind the movie, as well as the phenomenal acting and directing, made for a wonderful piece of art.

Then Sunday I went to Mass. It was nice to sit in the peace of the church with God and with all the cute families of the neighborhood. While I was praying, I became really overwhelmed and teared up... I think for a few minutes I missed my family a lot. Its hard sometimes to go to church one your own. I love being there and seeing the families all together, but then I realize I am there by myself and a pang of sadness runs through me. Its OK though, I am a strong independent woman and one day, I'll have my very own family with me... but for now, I'm fine going on my own. Afterwards, I went shopping for apartment decor :) I bought my first piece of painted art work! It is a picture of a woman in the Old Italian propaganda style (I'll try to upload a picture later). She is set in a yellow back ground and is wearing a beautiful black dress and hat and her face is covered... this makes the woman very mysterious. Her body is twisted because she is walking and looking back at a little doggy... because of this feature, there is a lot of movement in the piece, which I love. I am really excited about it and it fits perfectly in our living room which has a large dark red wall. I can't wait to show off the apartment to guests. I have really enjoyed making the space my own and putting my style into it. I look forward to compliments, suggestions, and even words of dislike that may come in our anticipated house warming, I'll be sure to write about it. :)

So after such a busy weekend, I came to work today completely fried! This morning all I wanted to do was drink some chi tea, eat a muffin and read the news... I did just that, oh and wrote this blog :) Now I must get a little more serious and actually do this fun thing called work. What a lovely way to end a fantastic single girl weekend :)

New Start

Once again, I let this blog go. My apologies reader! I am back now and with a slightly new perspective on things. In order to represent the new chapter in my life that I have begun, I have updated some things with the blog. I hope that the changes are well received and that you know that your support and love is always appreciated.

This new chapter has commenced due to a recent move to a new city. I am now a Diva in Baltimore! Though I will always hold DC in a special niche of my heart, Baltimore has become my new home and is introducing me to a new lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I am still every bit of a Diva, but the culture, the sites and sounds, and the type of people here are much different from DC. I hope to share these aspects with you, as well as my continued journey to love, and my wild worldly adventures.

My first focus, outside of setting up a new apartment, which is coming along beautifully if I say so myself, is creating a balance of mind, body, and soul. I have been too focused on the drama's of the heart and the needs of the body to work on this balance. When it comes to the soul, despite my deep faith in God, at times I have followed the path of least resistance which has led me to some emotionally complicated situations. I've found that a strong faith can only help you to maintain a strong and upright outlook on life and situations. Faith is that instinct that calls out when you are in a moment of decision: listen to those gut instincts, make a decision, and stick to it, wavering only causes more heartache. And in those moments of need, just pause and listen... listening is the part most people miss, but if you listen, you'll hear an answer.

On the mind front, I need to start to focus on my passion of architecture more. Each of us has that one thing that we can spend hours pondering, working at, and figuring out without ever realizing time has past. Focus on enriching your mind in your passion and it will lead you to random and more intriguing aspects of life. Knowledge is power.

And finally for the body, I am going to start focusing on dance. I love performance and movement. I want to focus my physical energies in becoming a great dancer again and subsequently becoming fit and healthy. If you want to loose some pounds, then start today... they will never go away unless you devote your self to determination and fitness. There are so many options out there to simply embrace movement and physical activity that everyone can find their nook.

I am hoping that shifting my attentions to my mind, body, and soul instead of my heart will help be become more rational with my emotions. I am a Cancer, I am supposed to be an emotional person, but it does not mean I have to be an emotional wreck. Anytime I miss India, my most recent ex, I will write him a letter that I never intend to send. This form of release will help you to get out all that you want to say without causing damage to your self or another. It is the best way I have found to release any anxiety or emotion on a topic without harmful consequences. Try it :)

So followers, I hope all is well in your lives and if it is not, I hope that my suggestions above for my own life can help inspire yours as well. Love is forever, God is good, and everyday is a present. Remembering these things will help you see that there is no need for unnecessary pain.