I came home from work today and poured myself a stiff drink... I guess I'm not handling this whole "break" thing that well...
Sometimes in your life, you find rare friends. These are the kind that you can randomly text or call and they act like you've been hanging out with them every day of their lives even though they live on the opposite coast. They are the kind that will randomly text or call you to say a funny comment, ask some heartfelt advice, or just to say hi. They are the kind of friend that will drive to Baltimore from DC just to keep you from being sad for an evening. These are true friends.
Though I believe in being a strong, independent, fiery woman (by the way, when you say fiery, put an African American southern twang to the word, it makes it so much better :), even I, a Diva, can have a bad day. When these days occur, random that they are, it is so refreshing to know that I have some great friends that will be there for me. Part of being a good Diva, is being a great friend. Friends are the people that build you up when you fall flat on your face, the ones that you can help out and feel good about it, the ones that appreciate you the same way you appreciate them. If behind every strong man, there is a stronger woman, then behind every strong woman, there are some kick ass friends.
Here's a toast! Raise those stiff drinks and toast to your true friends; they are the ones that keep you believing in people even when you are hurt time and time again by them.
Thanks guys :)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
First thing to go
Why is it when life gets tough for a guy, the woman he is seeing is the first thing to go? I have seen this trend occur several times. My good friend's man strung her along for a year giving her hope that an official title would one day sprout up from their "dating" relationship to only turn around and tell her that he had too much stress from his baby's momma, custody battles, work, and whatever else he got himself into, to be with her further. Its always the same bull, "I really care about you, I just can't handle all this right now and I need some time." Some time! What the fuck do you need time for!? Time to stop being lazy, time to get your act together, time to put up or shut up? Its true when they say women can multitask, where as men struggle with the shear feat of tying their shoes while watching TV. But don't they understand that when a man needs some time, a woman hears, "My life is too stressful right now and you are not that important to me to keep you in it, so give me some space and wait for me to come back."
If I am coming off a bit bitter about this topic, its because I am. Bitter and heartbroken may be a better way of putting it. I've experienced the "Time Talk" with two different guys who to this date have played an important role in my life. If you read my blog, you may have guessed who: The Ex and India. With The Ex, it was always, "I'm too stressed with school, I have too much work"... Wah Wah Wah. I had just as much work and school as he did and I never tried cutting him out of my life. But then his father got dealt a rough hand. On a routine visit to the doctors, they noticed something funny with his prostate. Being an older gentleman, this was a common enlargement of the prostate, but tests for cancer and other such diseases needed to be taken in order to rule out any more serious illnesses. The Ex was a mess. I tried to be there for him, give him his space, and show support. The more or less I did really didn't matter though. The second this scenario started, he started withdrawing into himself. Of course this led to me being neglected, eventually hurt, and many arguments that were me saying, "Let me help," and him saying, "You can't!" This misfortune was the begining of the end for my Ex and I. It seemed that with some people, once they begin to shut down, its hard to get them back up and running. His father was cancer free and after a routine surgery was fine. Broken heart number 1, however, is still trying to heal.
The second time the "Time Talk" has seriously effected me was just last night. While lying in bed after seeing a movie and spending sometime together, India, the guy I have been "casually" seeing here and there out of no where says, "This is not fair to you." After a deep breath and a moment to calm to knot in my chest, I said, "What is not fair?" He then proceeded to tell me that due to one of his friend's conditions in the hospital, he would be talking to her every day, seeing her often, and would do anything she needed of him, and felt that it was not fair to me. His solution, "Give me some time." Before I continue with my reaction, let me back up and tell you the situation. Last week, India found out that the girl that he dated in between the first time him and I dated and now was admitting into the hospital in order to be tested for Leukemia. When he told me, I instantly raced through my mind to make sure that I had never wished bad upon this poor girl, luckily enough, my conscience was clear and still is. The knot in my chest, however, began to form that day. Although he stopped dating that girl and began dating me again, how was I to know his feelings for her and such a tragedy would bring any type of feelings out of a person. I knew that there was an emotional battle to come in his world and I just prayed that he and I would get through it. I told him that night to go visit her in the hospital, bring her flowers, spend some time there, and I prayed for them both. This was Thursday night.
Last night, after explaining to me that he didn't think we should see each other any more, he held me. He wouldn't say one bad thing even after I ranted slightly about the injustice of me having to loose him and how I wanted to be there to support him. And it was in silence, his pained face, and his tightening embrace that I could tell he didn't really want to let me go, but, at the same time, he was asking me to let him go...Any woman that has cared for someone can tell you, it is the hardest thing to be the one to walk out that door when neither one of you want it.
Men, more often than not, want to handle their problems on their own. They internalize so much, that it is hard to see what they are really going through when such a crisis occurs. In both situations, I tried the be the stronger woman behind the strong man, but in both the men have crumbled internally and instead of letting in the least bit of help, simply have cut me out. With India, I feel as though I was being selfish last night by trying to reason with him as to why we should not stop seeing each other. He said today that he didn't want to bring me into all of this sadness and that he didn't want me to have to be with him when he was sad or moody. "Its for you own benefit, trust me," he said. But then why don't I feel benefited? Its a terrible thing, cancer. It effects so many and I am not someone who thinks I have the right to stand in the way of someone's feelings when faced with something so horrible. Despite the fact that I told him to have his time, be with his friend, and take care of himself, I just can't seem to shake the fact that I was still the first thing to go.
If I am coming off a bit bitter about this topic, its because I am. Bitter and heartbroken may be a better way of putting it. I've experienced the "Time Talk" with two different guys who to this date have played an important role in my life. If you read my blog, you may have guessed who: The Ex and India. With The Ex, it was always, "I'm too stressed with school, I have too much work"... Wah Wah Wah. I had just as much work and school as he did and I never tried cutting him out of my life. But then his father got dealt a rough hand. On a routine visit to the doctors, they noticed something funny with his prostate. Being an older gentleman, this was a common enlargement of the prostate, but tests for cancer and other such diseases needed to be taken in order to rule out any more serious illnesses. The Ex was a mess. I tried to be there for him, give him his space, and show support. The more or less I did really didn't matter though. The second this scenario started, he started withdrawing into himself. Of course this led to me being neglected, eventually hurt, and many arguments that were me saying, "Let me help," and him saying, "You can't!" This misfortune was the begining of the end for my Ex and I. It seemed that with some people, once they begin to shut down, its hard to get them back up and running. His father was cancer free and after a routine surgery was fine. Broken heart number 1, however, is still trying to heal.
The second time the "Time Talk" has seriously effected me was just last night. While lying in bed after seeing a movie and spending sometime together, India, the guy I have been "casually" seeing here and there out of no where says, "This is not fair to you." After a deep breath and a moment to calm to knot in my chest, I said, "What is not fair?" He then proceeded to tell me that due to one of his friend's conditions in the hospital, he would be talking to her every day, seeing her often, and would do anything she needed of him, and felt that it was not fair to me. His solution, "Give me some time." Before I continue with my reaction, let me back up and tell you the situation. Last week, India found out that the girl that he dated in between the first time him and I dated and now was admitting into the hospital in order to be tested for Leukemia. When he told me, I instantly raced through my mind to make sure that I had never wished bad upon this poor girl, luckily enough, my conscience was clear and still is. The knot in my chest, however, began to form that day. Although he stopped dating that girl and began dating me again, how was I to know his feelings for her and such a tragedy would bring any type of feelings out of a person. I knew that there was an emotional battle to come in his world and I just prayed that he and I would get through it. I told him that night to go visit her in the hospital, bring her flowers, spend some time there, and I prayed for them both. This was Thursday night.
Last night, after explaining to me that he didn't think we should see each other any more, he held me. He wouldn't say one bad thing even after I ranted slightly about the injustice of me having to loose him and how I wanted to be there to support him. And it was in silence, his pained face, and his tightening embrace that I could tell he didn't really want to let me go, but, at the same time, he was asking me to let him go...Any woman that has cared for someone can tell you, it is the hardest thing to be the one to walk out that door when neither one of you want it.
Men, more often than not, want to handle their problems on their own. They internalize so much, that it is hard to see what they are really going through when such a crisis occurs. In both situations, I tried the be the stronger woman behind the strong man, but in both the men have crumbled internally and instead of letting in the least bit of help, simply have cut me out. With India, I feel as though I was being selfish last night by trying to reason with him as to why we should not stop seeing each other. He said today that he didn't want to bring me into all of this sadness and that he didn't want me to have to be with him when he was sad or moody. "Its for you own benefit, trust me," he said. But then why don't I feel benefited? Its a terrible thing, cancer. It effects so many and I am not someone who thinks I have the right to stand in the way of someone's feelings when faced with something so horrible. Despite the fact that I told him to have his time, be with his friend, and take care of himself, I just can't seem to shake the fact that I was still the first thing to go.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Snow Day Adventures
The things we do in order to get home can some times be utterly stupifying and utterly amazing. About three weeks ago, I drove home to my permanent pad in PA. I drove half the way in dense vision blurring fog that only allowed me to see approximately 10' in front of my little car. I thanked God several times for not letting me hit a deer! Then today, I decided to brave Mother Nature head on by driving from my new digs in Baltimore to my apartment in Northern VA... Lets just say Mother Nature is one tough Bitch...
Heading out at a too early too late time of 10:30am. My friend and I decided that if we wanted to make it home better to go sooner than later. With a reported 12 to 20" of snow to fall in DC, we instantly regretting our poor decision to not leave the night before. Into the Blizzard I drove, astounded that the major road ways where not even touched by the likes of a plow truck yet, I cautiously made my way down to my home base. 2.5 hours later of safe and patient driving, I came upon scene that was out of the movie "The Day After Tomorrow." in front of me on a major highway were at the least 20 to 30 cars stoped completely and strewned every which way. As I drove through them, wondering if an accident ocurred or if the road was impassable from this point on, I drove up to a Police woman to inquire the scene. I asked potlietely but with bewilderment, "What is going on." This woman had the nerve to respond to me, someone who had made it all the way down from Baltimore and only two exits away from her home, "Its snowing!" I just about lost it at that point... Peeling around and try to get to an HOVramp, my ingenius self turned too soon only to find my brave little car to be stuck in the snow. Hopping out in a furry of determination, I dug around the tires with my gloved hands, to free my little BUG. Turning around again to face my original direction, I once again widdled my way to the front of the idiotic pact. Cautiously watching what cars were being moved where and a few larger cars being able to find a way out of the parking lte setting and drive victoriusly down the road, I made a decision that this Bitch had met her match. I was not going to let Mother Nature nor the absent minded drivers around me keep me from getting home. When a clearly finally opened in front of me, off I drove into freedom and closer to home.
Arriving safely is one of the most important things whenever traveling. A word to the wise, is to mind the weather or potential situation that could occur, but to also stay sharp, alert, and think wisely when face with outstanding situations. I only hope the miles of backedup traffic behind me were able to get out of that mess as well. But whenever faced with a challenge, asses and push through... Any Diva con conquer a little snow ;)
Heading out at a too early too late time of 10:30am. My friend and I decided that if we wanted to make it home better to go sooner than later. With a reported 12 to 20" of snow to fall in DC, we instantly regretting our poor decision to not leave the night before. Into the Blizzard I drove, astounded that the major road ways where not even touched by the likes of a plow truck yet, I cautiously made my way down to my home base. 2.5 hours later of safe and patient driving, I came upon scene that was out of the movie "The Day After Tomorrow." in front of me on a major highway were at the least 20 to 30 cars stoped completely and strewned every which way. As I drove through them, wondering if an accident ocurred or if the road was impassable from this point on, I drove up to a Police woman to inquire the scene. I asked potlietely but with bewilderment, "What is going on." This woman had the nerve to respond to me, someone who had made it all the way down from Baltimore and only two exits away from her home, "Its snowing!" I just about lost it at that point... Peeling around and try to get to an HOVramp, my ingenius self turned too soon only to find my brave little car to be stuck in the snow. Hopping out in a furry of determination, I dug around the tires with my gloved hands, to free my little BUG. Turning around again to face my original direction, I once again widdled my way to the front of the idiotic pact. Cautiously watching what cars were being moved where and a few larger cars being able to find a way out of the parking lte setting and drive victoriusly down the road, I made a decision that this Bitch had met her match. I was not going to let Mother Nature nor the absent minded drivers around me keep me from getting home. When a clearly finally opened in front of me, off I drove into freedom and closer to home.
Arriving safely is one of the most important things whenever traveling. A word to the wise, is to mind the weather or potential situation that could occur, but to also stay sharp, alert, and think wisely when face with outstanding situations. I only hope the miles of backedup traffic behind me were able to get out of that mess as well. But whenever faced with a challenge, asses and push through... Any Diva con conquer a little snow ;)
Saturday, December 5, 2009
DTR
When is it too soon to ask a guy, "What am I to you?" The term "DTR: Determine the Relationship" is something that I just recently discovered. Its the dreaded conversation all couples have to have at on point or another. Men hate this talk, women fear it. Its the first, and sometimes the last, chance to lay your cards on the table.
India and I had several DTRs the first time around, all of which led to realizations of end results that were less than beneficiary to me. From day one, India stated he didn't want a serious relationship. For me, that is fine; coming out of a three year relationship, I needed a break from being worried about a guy. But, perhaps our wires are still crossed. For India, a casual relationship means limited time spent together, no fun dates, and just a lot of physical adventures. Well, pardon me if I want more from my encounters with men.
Men don't realize that their lack of desire to do anything outside of making out, is boring! Women enjoy going out, seeing a movie, taking a walk, having dinner! Its not a lot to ask for, so then why don't men step up and put a little effort into keeping you around? The reason could be that men want someone they can chase not just one they can have. In Ms. Argov's book she makes a great point to state this fact. One piece of advice she lends is to see a guy half as much as he wants to see you. I'll admit, I've completely neglected this rule this past week, but due to my increasing unrest and India's lazy nature, I've decided to make this boy work for it from now on.
The one thing that India wants the most from me is sex. I have absolutely no obligation to give this present to him. And yes ladies, sex is a gift, and you never have obligated to give it out. This may at times seem mean spirited or teasing, but what I find mean is when men view women as a play thing, a disposable object, someone who they want to hang with for a half hour and then peace out. So ladies know this and use it well: when it comes to sex, we hold all the power. This power comes with great self control. My father always told me guys view relationships with the concept of "why buy the cow, when the milk is free?" Well, guess what, my milk isn't free and neither should yours. My strategy with India is to keep him at bay. Do things he likes and get him to do things I like as well. I've stated a few things that I want to do and until they happen, hes not getting any milk and cookies.
So ladies, know that sex is in your control and that this is a major DTR factor that can help you not only gain the relationship status that you want, but also helps you get what you want out of the relationship as well. And remember, don;t give away your milk, otherwise you will be a sad empty cow while the fat satisfied farmer is walking away.
India and I had several DTRs the first time around, all of which led to realizations of end results that were less than beneficiary to me. From day one, India stated he didn't want a serious relationship. For me, that is fine; coming out of a three year relationship, I needed a break from being worried about a guy. But, perhaps our wires are still crossed. For India, a casual relationship means limited time spent together, no fun dates, and just a lot of physical adventures. Well, pardon me if I want more from my encounters with men.
Men don't realize that their lack of desire to do anything outside of making out, is boring! Women enjoy going out, seeing a movie, taking a walk, having dinner! Its not a lot to ask for, so then why don't men step up and put a little effort into keeping you around? The reason could be that men want someone they can chase not just one they can have. In Ms. Argov's book she makes a great point to state this fact. One piece of advice she lends is to see a guy half as much as he wants to see you. I'll admit, I've completely neglected this rule this past week, but due to my increasing unrest and India's lazy nature, I've decided to make this boy work for it from now on.
The one thing that India wants the most from me is sex. I have absolutely no obligation to give this present to him. And yes ladies, sex is a gift, and you never have obligated to give it out. This may at times seem mean spirited or teasing, but what I find mean is when men view women as a play thing, a disposable object, someone who they want to hang with for a half hour and then peace out. So ladies know this and use it well: when it comes to sex, we hold all the power. This power comes with great self control. My father always told me guys view relationships with the concept of "why buy the cow, when the milk is free?" Well, guess what, my milk isn't free and neither should yours. My strategy with India is to keep him at bay. Do things he likes and get him to do things I like as well. I've stated a few things that I want to do and until they happen, hes not getting any milk and cookies.
So ladies, know that sex is in your control and that this is a major DTR factor that can help you not only gain the relationship status that you want, but also helps you get what you want out of the relationship as well. And remember, don;t give away your milk, otherwise you will be a sad empty cow while the fat satisfied farmer is walking away.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Something borrowed, something blue, and something NEW!
There is a sickening twist in my chest today. It could be there for many different reasons, but it also persists there due one main item of discontent, The Ex. But we shall attempt to dismiss the urge to crawl into fetal position and instead, describe the exciting aspects of my life at the moment. This Diva is currently relocated to a new city, a new job, and with new people to meet and explore. But a true Diva never leaves the comforts of her home without already having some perks set up…
Shortly after my break up with “The Ex,” I began seeing a boy from India. He lavished me with compliments and kind smiles, affection and flirtatious messages, and best of all attention. This boy was out to please and impress, and after sometime, he did just that. He began to creep into my life, without me even realizing it. And then of course when my silly fantasy driven mind realized a boy liked me, I decided to like back. But things went too far too fast with this one and in the end frightened him and me off a bit. The quickness of our relationship stunned me at first, but it also gave me a chance to learn quickly as well. First, I discovered that the three year relationship made me what Sherry Argov deems an “Overly Nice Girl.” After the trials and tribulations with India, I began reading Ms. Argov’s book “Why Men Love Bitches.” I highly recommend this book to any woman in need of some self confidence and insight on how men think. In plain and humorous terms, she explains things that women do in relationships that can be perceived in a completely different light than what was intended. Men and women really do think a hell of a lot differently, and this book lays it out there for a girl to start to understand how men view things.
With the help of this book and with my own self evaluation, I realized that I was making myself too available, putting far too much effort into things, and not doing nearly enough for my self, which men actually find quite attractive. Yes ladies, men love a woman that doesn’t have time for them. One that is busy with things that interest her and with passions that she enjoys to pursue for the simple fact that they make her happy. And if any of you are with a man that doesn’t appreciate these qualities and who intends to control you, drop and run! You simply deserve better. So after these revelations, I began finding things that made me happy, that I enjoyed to do and simply, that kept me occupied and pleasant. And guess who came back around…India. I suppose his attraction for a strong independent woman was too strong for his silly boy self to resist.
So now, I am in a new city with new people and a new job and a boy that is interested in me. As you can see in the way I phrased this last sentence, India is not the end all and be my entire world, he’s just a part of it. And with this new mentality, I intend to move forward with my life and see where the journey takes me I hope all my readers will do the same.
Shortly after my break up with “The Ex,” I began seeing a boy from India. He lavished me with compliments and kind smiles, affection and flirtatious messages, and best of all attention. This boy was out to please and impress, and after sometime, he did just that. He began to creep into my life, without me even realizing it. And then of course when my silly fantasy driven mind realized a boy liked me, I decided to like back. But things went too far too fast with this one and in the end frightened him and me off a bit. The quickness of our relationship stunned me at first, but it also gave me a chance to learn quickly as well. First, I discovered that the three year relationship made me what Sherry Argov deems an “Overly Nice Girl.” After the trials and tribulations with India, I began reading Ms. Argov’s book “Why Men Love Bitches.” I highly recommend this book to any woman in need of some self confidence and insight on how men think. In plain and humorous terms, she explains things that women do in relationships that can be perceived in a completely different light than what was intended. Men and women really do think a hell of a lot differently, and this book lays it out there for a girl to start to understand how men view things.
With the help of this book and with my own self evaluation, I realized that I was making myself too available, putting far too much effort into things, and not doing nearly enough for my self, which men actually find quite attractive. Yes ladies, men love a woman that doesn’t have time for them. One that is busy with things that interest her and with passions that she enjoys to pursue for the simple fact that they make her happy. And if any of you are with a man that doesn’t appreciate these qualities and who intends to control you, drop and run! You simply deserve better. So after these revelations, I began finding things that made me happy, that I enjoyed to do and simply, that kept me occupied and pleasant. And guess who came back around…India. I suppose his attraction for a strong independent woman was too strong for his silly boy self to resist.
So now, I am in a new city with new people and a new job and a boy that is interested in me. As you can see in the way I phrased this last sentence, India is not the end all and be my entire world, he’s just a part of it. And with this new mentality, I intend to move forward with my life and see where the journey takes me I hope all my readers will do the same.
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