Yesterday I saw BOTH my Ex's at a meeting for work. In one breath, I always thought it was nice that work would still connect us in some way, but in another, I hate it. Having to see both of them again just brings up so many memories, which then lead to emotions, which then lead to pain. Although the meeting went better than I could have ever imagined, it still was hard to see them both and the wounds that are still scar tissue over did ache and yearn to pull apart again.
The Ex, well he just acts like I do not exist. He is angry at me. Angrier than anyone could ever be at a person. He would rather me not be around so he wouldn't have to remember, so he acts like he doesn't even know me. I can still feel his pain. Three years together and he acts like I am a stranger on the street. This man hurt me more than anyone else on this earth and yet his ignoring is some what calming. I too rather have him as a memory than something I need to deal with on a daily basis. One day that is all he'll be, just a memory.
I can't ever hate The Ex, unlike me, he didn't betray my emotions by getting together with someone else quickly, but he did hurt me by just not caring enough. He said he loved me, but you don't criticize someone you love on a daily basis, or make them jump through hoops for you constantly, or expect them to stand by your side no matter how reckless you were with yourself or them. That is not love, that is just entitlement and none of us are truly entitled to anything. Yet he taught me a lot about myself, about love, life, companionship, loyalty, and limits. So I will always be grateful for that relationship but I would never go back to it. Therefore, I am a stranger on the street and he is a passing body...
India was there too of course. This was the encounter I feared more than The Ex. my emotions with The Ex are numb, my emotions with India are still throbbing. The encounter went better than I could imagine, we even sat next to each other (not on purpose, but it just happened)! Both showed signs of nervousness but at the same time signs of familiarity and kindness. I can tell that that odd thing between us is still there, who knows, it may never go away really. Yet this is why it is so much harder with him. We can talk one on one now about little things but past that forget it. I let myself fall in love with him despite all his warnings and pleadings for me not to and I turned into an OCD case. I didn't leave the poor kid alone and I am so ashamed for that. But he liked it partially, he liked the attention and he fed into it as well. I fear that he no longer respects me for who I am because of it though and that is what causes my shame, but he was no doll either and it is hard for me to fully respect him. I wish things were different.
Today, I reread a couple of emails that we had exchanged. He cared for me so much yet it was that same care that asked me to leave so that we both would be better off, so that we both could find the right person for ourselves and so that we both could practice our faith and relationships openly. It was the same care that kept me coming back though and that is why it went from respecting each other and trying to be friends to sometimes hating each other, not being able to talk or be around each other for too long, and always wishing for it to be ok again. It kills me. And I miss him. I miss hearing about his culture or things that I am not familiar with; I miss his funny comments or quirky behaviors; and I miss him being comfortable around me. We used to lay together and just be at peace and now we can't even talk to each other without getting uncomfortable. We were so drawn to each other despite that fact that we were so wrong for each other and that we would never work. It confuses me terribly but all I know is that I'm left with scares and I wish it was different.
The things in life that you go through are supposed to make you stronger, but I'm so fragile due to the things that I've went through. I bring so much hesitation into my new relationships that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel right again with someone. I can only pray and know that out there is my husband, a man who will never make me cry or hurt me. I am so excited for him and if I've found him, then please Lord let me be good to him until we both realize that we are meant for each other. And please Lord, help me heal.
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