Self-Inflicted Psychosis

Honestly, I want to slap myself sometimes. After a very enjoyable night on my own and a hopeful outlook for the new day, I return to work still thinking of the Indian! It is unfortunate that work and my social life are so intermingled at this point of my life. Work used to be the place where I escaped from any dilemmas in my social realm and vice verse. Now, they are one in the same. It is frustrating not only that I have no place to turn for sanctuary but also that I can not get him out of my head. I've already deemed, several times, that the "relationship" was not going to lead to any thing long term. Both of us knew that which is why we wouldn't let ourselves fall for each other, but in the same breath we kept coming back to each other. Why do you always want what you can't have? Its that self destructive tendency again.

At the end of an emotionally charged "nothing fight" that occured two days ago, he claimed that he was never going to talk to me again because I called him heartless and hurtful. Part of me "the Bitch," in the true sense of the word as Sherry Argov has described it, says "Fine, don't talk to me, I'm better off without you in my life. It wasn't going anywhere anyway because you wouldn't let me in, so whats the point trying to stay 'friends!'" The other part, the "Nice Girl," the part that believes in the good in people and the fantasy that every guy really believes in love and has the capability to be a gentleman, wants to apologize for the name calling and attempt reconciliation of some form. Right now "the Bitch" is winning and I sincerely hope that she continues to win because any form of reconciliation at this point is just another form of giving in, another way I've given him want he wants, and another way I've put myself second. Fuck that, I am not apologizing. People will treat you the way that you let them treat you, I don't want to come second to any man, so I'm not apologizing!