Limits

I haven't written in a long time because I have been going through a very difficult phase in my life. I've realized now that I have not been a very good person. There used to be a code of ethics that I lived by, a system of respect and honor. I have always been a little out of control, emotional, quick tempered, but respectful to others. I tried always to treat others as I would be treated. I don't know what happened to me along the way, maybe I have been hurt by others so much and seen the cruelness of man that somewhere I too became jaded.

My relationship with My Ex was a clear picture of this. We didn't respect each other. We fought constantly, about what, I have no idea. We "fell in love" without really knowing the essence of love, the trust, the respect, the two-way giving that it requires. I gave him everything expecting it back and when I didn't receive it I freaked. I would be offended by such a lack of "respect" that he could be so lazy to not give me back an ounce of what I gave him, but listen to me... who the fuck do I think I am? You should not give expecting to receive. Shouldn't live with an attitude of "Entitlement." If you give, you should look at it as a present for some one else to enjoy. Granted, you should not let someone take advantage of you, but you even have control of that. You are the one that can limit what you give, how you give, don't rely on another person to make you do the right things. And this is exactly what I have been doing. I have been relying on someone else to make me do the right thing for a while now. First it was my brother. I always relied on him to tell me what to do in rough times, what the best path would be for myself. Then it was my Ex. Once I realized the slippery slope I was falling into, I tried to prod him to get me to do the right thing, the "I'll stop being an ass if you stop" mentality. But when he didn't, well I didn't either. It took every once of my strength to get out of that relationship. He pushed me to my limits and beyond and I let myself go there. My Ex did his fair share to guide me down the path to Hell, but I let my "good intentions" lead me there.

India was there for me at the moment I needed a distraction from the confusion the most. He gave me back confidence and hope. To have a man interested in me and pursue me, was so refreshing. But even that played itself out due to my insecurities and jaded view. Once I knew how attracted he was to me physically, I pushed the topic of sex as much as he did. He wanted it, I knew it, I played with that idea. Constantly leading him to it and then saying, "no no." The first time we ever slept together was because he told me he couldn't see me any more. India wanted to be friends and not use each other, he wanted each of us to pursue our right paths, which we knew didn't involve each other in the long run, he wanted to do the right thing. It scared me: I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want the attention to stop, I didn't want to loose him. Instead of doing what I knew was right for the both of us, I chose to sleep with him to show him "how much I cared for him." If I really cared in the proper sense of the words, I would have walked away and given us a chance at true friendship. Once we began sleeping together, we both let the physical passions completely blind the emotional and rational ones. It was a constant back and forth of wanting to be together, knowing we weren't doing right by each other, not being able to stop the attraction to each other, and not fighting the lust. When one of us would stop, the other wouldn't let them walk away. We let our egos and desires get in front our actual caring for each other and ourselves. There's a line in a John Mayer song that goes, "I want you so bad, I go back on the things I believed." I've done exactly that in both of my relationships and it needs to stop for myself and anyone else who takes the risk of coming into my life.

My view of love is how much can you take, how far can you go, how much can you push the other person and still have them come back. The Ex helped form this view, but I can not sit here and say I didn't form my own opinion and perspective as well. My parents are both very extreme emotionally. Its the environment I have been raised in. The extremes are what excite me, but there are limits and that is what I loose site of so often. It takes seeing the pain on the face of someone I care about for me to wake up. If I cry, so what, I can blame the other person for hurting me, I can pump my own ego by saying, I can take it. But if I was the one pushing them in that direction, pushing them to do an extreme that will hurt me in the end, then how can I really blame them? But to see them upset, to see when I push someone to their edge and they know they can not do it any more, that's when I realize my own evils. With India, I keep throwing this word "friend" out there. I have been the least of a friend to him and in return, him to me. I try to be a "friend" to him but in the end I just really want his attention, I want him to still want me, to need me, to come back even though I know nothing good will come of it. So I keep putting the bowl of ice cream in front of him and just wait for him to want it enough to eat it. I expect him to do the right thing and then hate him when he does.

I don't really know how to change myself. I don't really think there is one clearly defined path, but I know that I can't do this anymore. I need to make a daily effort to be a better person, to treat others with true respect and not a jaded perspective on it. If that means that I become a "Coworker" to India, not a friend, a person he once knew and respected at times, then I'll do it. I'll stop for him because I want to stop for myself. Hes a good person, you can see it in his eyes. He treated me badly at times but mainly because I treated myself badly and allowed him to do the same. I have to love myself first before I can love some one else in a relationship sense. I'll hate it: being single, dating, being patient, but if that will make me a better person, if that brings me true love and happiness, than my God its worth it. Doing the right things is always the hardest, so I better start fighting for it.

Another you....

Song of the day, John Mayers "I'm gonna find another You." Once again John not only speaks to my heart but uplifts it into a realm of reassurance and comfort. The lyrics speak everything that I feel at this moment about India. I love how music can transcend every emotion and time period of your life. I've always listened to this song, but never fully felt the true essence, the true meaning, the true feelings behind it until till today. Thanks John!

I'm Gonna Find Another You:

Its really over, you made your stand
You got me cryin, as was your plan.
But when my lonelyness is through, I'm gonna find another you.

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from Blue
I'm gonna find another you.

When I was your lover
No else would do
If I'm forced to find another, I hope she (he) looks like you
Yeah and she (he) is nicer too.

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do
Oh I'm gonna find another you.

Self-Inflicted Psychosis

Honestly, I want to slap myself sometimes. After a very enjoyable night on my own and a hopeful outlook for the new day, I return to work still thinking of the Indian! It is unfortunate that work and my social life are so intermingled at this point of my life. Work used to be the place where I escaped from any dilemmas in my social realm and vice verse. Now, they are one in the same. It is frustrating not only that I have no place to turn for sanctuary but also that I can not get him out of my head. I've already deemed, several times, that the "relationship" was not going to lead to any thing long term. Both of us knew that which is why we wouldn't let ourselves fall for each other, but in the same breath we kept coming back to each other. Why do you always want what you can't have? Its that self destructive tendency again.

At the end of an emotionally charged "nothing fight" that occured two days ago, he claimed that he was never going to talk to me again because I called him heartless and hurtful. Part of me "the Bitch," in the true sense of the word as Sherry Argov has described it, says "Fine, don't talk to me, I'm better off without you in my life. It wasn't going anywhere anyway because you wouldn't let me in, so whats the point trying to stay 'friends!'" The other part, the "Nice Girl," the part that believes in the good in people and the fantasy that every guy really believes in love and has the capability to be a gentleman, wants to apologize for the name calling and attempt reconciliation of some form. Right now "the Bitch" is winning and I sincerely hope that she continues to win because any form of reconciliation at this point is just another form of giving in, another way I've given him want he wants, and another way I've put myself second. Fuck that, I am not apologizing. People will treat you the way that you let them treat you, I don't want to come second to any man, so I'm not apologizing!

Quotes of the evening

"I sometimes wonder what the fuck I'm doing. I have these accidents, these mistakes, the self-inflicted wounds, and the i tear my head to shreds about it for days. I'll read a little something and die a thousand times in my own mind..." -John Mayer

I know what he means. This is pretty much the way I feel about most of the decisions in my life. A lack of certainty, there is no certainty in the world, sometimes you just have to trust.




My Brother: "What would Yoda say?"

Yoda: "There is no Try. There is only Do or Do Not."

We should all live by this, that little puppet knew what he was talking about!

Thanks John Mayer!

There is something good in the world when you can go to a Barnes & Noble, read a magazine article about one of your favorite singers, drink a Chi Tea, and just smile. I haven't written to you in a while because the last week or two has been hell. I decided to throw my self respect out the window again when i let India walk back into my life for God knows what number this is now. A spiral of self destruction is something I constantly slip in and out of, one has to wonder when I'd learn to stop myself. I think perhaps one day things will be different, but then I fear that different may be way too boring...

Nonetheless, I sit here now after days emotional turmoil, distress, and continual self analysis to simply find that I am utterly entertained by the idea of being surrounded by the world when I am on the brink of tears and self implosion. In this Barnes & Nobles not a single person knows who I am, where I come from, and what I have or have not done in my life. This feeling of complete detachment and complete immersion thrills me to the core. Also, the stellar jams that are pumping through the sound system helps, as does an article on John Mayer that is as absurd as he wants it to be. I'd live in his crazy world for a while as long as the two of us shared the truth, while the rest of the world dabbles in our web of lies or antics. John inspires me a bit tonight, letting go of the care and stress of one's life and instead molding it into what you want it to be is truly the way to go.

"The Loss of Certainty," that is the book that is starring at me. I wonder what God's intent is with this book. "How did you get to me, how did you get to my happiness, my love, love, love." These are the lyrics playing on the radio. As I came here tonight in order to escape the misery of a broken heart, misspoken emotional words, and a general state of lonely depression, I catch the things around me and know deep inside why He's put the there. Detachment is needed not from the world but from yourself and the tangled web you create for yourself. Reentry in the world, the observations, the awakening to that which is around you, that's what sets you free.

Congratulations to our new Mayor!

Have you ever had a day when you just fell into a pity party? This evening as I sat on the couch with my brother waiting around for extended family members to eventually arrive from a far, I just slipped into this horribly pissed off mood. I blame the sudden emotional spike on Wii Fit. A few moments earlier, I was enjoying a nice work out using the game when I decided to check my body weight and BMI. I knew that the past month has been detrimental to my waistline, but Wii Fit has a way of being so frank and slightly harsh about your weight status that it really set me off. Now that I think that I look preggers and apparently have the bodily agility of a 45 (thanks Wii Fit age), my mind easily began wondering into other ridiculously frustrating topics.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #1: Why whenever you are trying to forget about someone, everything reminds you of that person!?

Not only did I go shopping today and see an unusually high amount of products made in India, but I also saw said boy's exact car driving next to me for sometime last night. Yup, not just the model of his car, but the exact convertable style and color. Then there is the music. The music is always the worst of the reminder nemasis. This brought me to the first stop in Bitch-ville.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #2: Why am I being so unmovtivated and lazy when it comes to furthering my career and talents!?

I have been getting better at this item, but still, I need to motivate myself more, get my ass moving, working, and designing. These things make me happy, I know this, so what am I waiting for? Exit two of Bitch-ville coming up.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #3: Why are my parents taking FOREVER to come home with dinner!?

Due to my extended families' dinner time arrival, we intended to all eat together. However, my extended family called and said they would be late. My parents, the irrational people that they are, decided to still wait until 9pm to go out to even get the food that they still intended on waiting to eat until our family got in. I am starving and slightly hypoglycemic, where the fuck are they? I am hungry and now in the center of Bitch-ville about to become Mayor.

All of these things left me in a state of utter rage. After having a little freak out fest, I decided to take a hot shower. At this time, I would like to thank who ever created the hot water tank. For me, there is no better stress release than a steaming hot shower and the feeling of release. The hot water just seems to pull me back to reality, allowing me to exhale my frustrations and inhale confidence. Its my "Ah" moment and thank God for it, because I was on the brink of receiving the Bitch of the year award. Bitch-ville is now slowly passing my rear view, frustration released or at least suppressed for the moment, and my Mayoral hat put back on the shelf.

Frantic, but so good.

The day started with a groggy morning as I woke up with the sounds of my alarm. This is more than I can say for yesterday's late ascedncance out of bed and then rush to get ready. As I meandered around, I began thinking about the events of the day and a slight feeling of panic krept into my inner being. Its days like this, when you have so much to do, that you get this feeling of frantic energy. It is amazing and horrible at the same time in the sense that it keeps you in check and productive, but it also instills a panic that keeps you dangling on the edge of a stress attack. Though some may hate moments liks this, I, on the other hand, am excited by this feeling today. Funny enough, it has been a while since I have really felt this energy to just go and this focus to do. I read once that people walk through life half asleep. I try to never be that way, but on days like this, when I feel so enlivened by my own productivity, that it makes me realize that I could be doing so much more other days. Slowly but surely, I feel as though I am getting back to the swing of things, I am finding my balance again, and I am waking up.

I attribute a few things to this awakening: 1) My dismissal of coffee into my day to day routine, and 2) My determination to once and for all loose some weight and maintain my fitness. I know many people may read this and think that these are just New Years resolutions that will fade in a month or so, but I am determined, and quite stubborn, and frankly I want a life change. Today has reminded me how much fun it is to have energy, pure energy that focuses not on someone else, but on myself, my work, and on making things happen. (This may start sounding selfish, but I assure you, I focus way too much on others, which is why from time to time, I need a kick in the ass to make me focus on my own life a little).

So, I hope to not only keep coffee out of my life, but also to work out on a consistent basis (it really does make you feel amazing). Then, I hope to start waking up a little earlier and doing a mini work out in the morning. I think a brisk run before my morning shower, will help to boost my energy and keep the caffine adiction at bay. Finally, charity, its going to come back into my life. In that fascet, I intend to let out my caring, motherly nature, rather than trying to giving all my care to an undeserving man. This will also help me to keep the mentality that I don't need to try to impress anyone. A strong woman is impressive simply by being herself. Thats her power, her comfortablity with her self and her drive to do more. New years resolutions or not, I hope that you all get inspired as well to keep those chins up and keep busy.