Limits

I haven't written in a long time because I have been going through a very difficult phase in my life. I've realized now that I have not been a very good person. There used to be a code of ethics that I lived by, a system of respect and honor. I have always been a little out of control, emotional, quick tempered, but respectful to others. I tried always to treat others as I would be treated. I don't know what happened to me along the way, maybe I have been hurt by others so much and seen the cruelness of man that somewhere I too became jaded.

My relationship with My Ex was a clear picture of this. We didn't respect each other. We fought constantly, about what, I have no idea. We "fell in love" without really knowing the essence of love, the trust, the respect, the two-way giving that it requires. I gave him everything expecting it back and when I didn't receive it I freaked. I would be offended by such a lack of "respect" that he could be so lazy to not give me back an ounce of what I gave him, but listen to me... who the fuck do I think I am? You should not give expecting to receive. Shouldn't live with an attitude of "Entitlement." If you give, you should look at it as a present for some one else to enjoy. Granted, you should not let someone take advantage of you, but you even have control of that. You are the one that can limit what you give, how you give, don't rely on another person to make you do the right things. And this is exactly what I have been doing. I have been relying on someone else to make me do the right thing for a while now. First it was my brother. I always relied on him to tell me what to do in rough times, what the best path would be for myself. Then it was my Ex. Once I realized the slippery slope I was falling into, I tried to prod him to get me to do the right thing, the "I'll stop being an ass if you stop" mentality. But when he didn't, well I didn't either. It took every once of my strength to get out of that relationship. He pushed me to my limits and beyond and I let myself go there. My Ex did his fair share to guide me down the path to Hell, but I let my "good intentions" lead me there.

India was there for me at the moment I needed a distraction from the confusion the most. He gave me back confidence and hope. To have a man interested in me and pursue me, was so refreshing. But even that played itself out due to my insecurities and jaded view. Once I knew how attracted he was to me physically, I pushed the topic of sex as much as he did. He wanted it, I knew it, I played with that idea. Constantly leading him to it and then saying, "no no." The first time we ever slept together was because he told me he couldn't see me any more. India wanted to be friends and not use each other, he wanted each of us to pursue our right paths, which we knew didn't involve each other in the long run, he wanted to do the right thing. It scared me: I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want the attention to stop, I didn't want to loose him. Instead of doing what I knew was right for the both of us, I chose to sleep with him to show him "how much I cared for him." If I really cared in the proper sense of the words, I would have walked away and given us a chance at true friendship. Once we began sleeping together, we both let the physical passions completely blind the emotional and rational ones. It was a constant back and forth of wanting to be together, knowing we weren't doing right by each other, not being able to stop the attraction to each other, and not fighting the lust. When one of us would stop, the other wouldn't let them walk away. We let our egos and desires get in front our actual caring for each other and ourselves. There's a line in a John Mayer song that goes, "I want you so bad, I go back on the things I believed." I've done exactly that in both of my relationships and it needs to stop for myself and anyone else who takes the risk of coming into my life.

My view of love is how much can you take, how far can you go, how much can you push the other person and still have them come back. The Ex helped form this view, but I can not sit here and say I didn't form my own opinion and perspective as well. My parents are both very extreme emotionally. Its the environment I have been raised in. The extremes are what excite me, but there are limits and that is what I loose site of so often. It takes seeing the pain on the face of someone I care about for me to wake up. If I cry, so what, I can blame the other person for hurting me, I can pump my own ego by saying, I can take it. But if I was the one pushing them in that direction, pushing them to do an extreme that will hurt me in the end, then how can I really blame them? But to see them upset, to see when I push someone to their edge and they know they can not do it any more, that's when I realize my own evils. With India, I keep throwing this word "friend" out there. I have been the least of a friend to him and in return, him to me. I try to be a "friend" to him but in the end I just really want his attention, I want him to still want me, to need me, to come back even though I know nothing good will come of it. So I keep putting the bowl of ice cream in front of him and just wait for him to want it enough to eat it. I expect him to do the right thing and then hate him when he does.

I don't really know how to change myself. I don't really think there is one clearly defined path, but I know that I can't do this anymore. I need to make a daily effort to be a better person, to treat others with true respect and not a jaded perspective on it. If that means that I become a "Coworker" to India, not a friend, a person he once knew and respected at times, then I'll do it. I'll stop for him because I want to stop for myself. Hes a good person, you can see it in his eyes. He treated me badly at times but mainly because I treated myself badly and allowed him to do the same. I have to love myself first before I can love some one else in a relationship sense. I'll hate it: being single, dating, being patient, but if that will make me a better person, if that brings me true love and happiness, than my God its worth it. Doing the right things is always the hardest, so I better start fighting for it.