Strange Dreams

Lately, I keep having a recurring dream that I'm pregnant. Full Belly people all around me, and happy... I can't seem to understand if this is a nightmare or something that I am starting to deeply desire. I know for a fact that I'm not pregnant since I just recently had my menstrual cycle and haven't engaged in any sort of activities since then but what does this dream mean?

I can't seem to fall asleep at night. Having recently broken up with my boyfriend of 9 months, I am feeling a sense of loneliness specifically at night. During the day, I'm fine. I'll think of him here or there, but its a thought that I can swiftly move on from without heartache. But at night, simply not having him there next to me in bed keeping me warm or holding me close seems to be bothering me more than I can consciously understand. I think this is where the pregnancy dream is stemming from: a feeling of lost love that wants to be channeled somewhere. I put a lot into this past relationship and for it to go to ruins once again has left me tired of all men. Of course I desire their company for many reasons, but I'm exhausted of putting the effort into a relationship that may end again in a heart wrenching way. I don't know, part of me wants to forget about men for a while but the other parts is not sure if I can. I'm so used to having someone around me that it'll definitely be a different experience being fully alone and "playing the field here or there."

Eventually, I'll get used to be single again in due time but these mommy dreams are making that desire to love and be loved a thought on the forefront of my mind! I think I'll have to get a pet or something to distract me :)

Pep Talk

Dear Self,

You are a Chunky Chicken. Currently you weigh the most you have ever weighed in your entire life and if you stepped on the Wii Fit scale it would put you in the overweight if not obesse section. Granted your are not a fat ass who is inactive or lazy, but you do enjoy your food and drink a little too much for a young girl. Loose weight.

How do we do this? Well you already know. You work out at the gym, we know how to diet, you know what it takes to be strict on yourself... the only part that is left is just to do it. I do not want to look back years from now as a heavier person and think that I was skinny now. I want to look back and say, "damn I was a curvy sexy lady who worked hard and is a tighter curvier sexy lady now." When I have babies, I DO NOT want to reach 200lbs. I'd probably loose my mind if that happened, so guess what, we got some work and dtermination to do so that I can loose weight now and be about this weight when I get pregers in the future.... I really can't handle being any bigger than I am now and I don't want this to be my norm anymore. Get to work :)

Love,
Yourself

Stressin!!

Sometimes I really do believe I'm crazy. My boyfriend is good to me: he treats me better than any guy I've ever been with and yet, I am dead scared to seriously trust him. This leads to my being a dramatic about some things, over thinking, worrying when there is no reason to worry, and constantly comparing what I did for him versus what he did for me. I have one word for myself at times when I'm crazy= immature!!! I need to really shake this aspect because I get so worked up about things that its physically and emotionally upsets me at times.

Last night Boyfriend and I had a serious conversation about how I have been feeling unhappy in the relationship. Its not that he is not good to me or that i don't care for him, its just that he has so many stresses in his life that when he's with me he doesn't want to do anything.... well, i get bored easily, so hello, Let's play! In this way, I admit I am like a kid, but who doesn't like doing things with their boyfriend talking exploring each other's thoughts and bodies and worlds. Well i like these things very much and I got very fed up with coming over and helping him clean up or cook something and then just sitting by idle while he watches TV and doesn't speak. Not cool....
so I said something. And though it came out in varied ways, it came out and i feel better about it now. And best of all he received it well. After that, he became more attentive and playful- aka, what I liked about him in the first place.

This little revelation made me realise that its not the girl's fault they she start feeling a little frantic or crazy at times, its the general relationships fault. When a guy starts to change and slip, which ALL MEN will try to change and slip with the attentiveness, its our jobs to let them know how we feel, keep them in check, and hopefully they love you enough to wake up and do something. All men put on a good show at the beginning of a relationship because they really want to impress us. Once they've succeeded, the stop impressing us and women feel like the rug is pulled out from under them! "What happened to that fun guy I met," is the common thought that runs through women's minds. Well that fun guy is still there he just needs to be reminded that that's the guy we want to talk to.

So when my boyfriend said to me last night, "you expect me to be 100% all the time." FUCK YES, I expect you to give me 100% of yourself all the time because despite the stress of my job and my life, I give you 100% of myself when I'm with you and if you want to be in a fair and equal relationship then you must give me 100% of that which i deserve. Plus women, just because a man overexerts himself at work, does not mean we need to suffer for it. He needs to learn how to balance or how to work in both areas a little harder. We have our needs and that's all we are looking for them to meet. Don't let them slip, because you will be the one regretting it in the long run.

The Magical world of Womanhood

Man I am stressed today:

Like always I am freaking out about money, worrying I'm spending my money on the wrong things, seeing how I can get out of stuff or pay things off quicker, and inevitably always falling short. My new bank account is wigging me out because it is not showing all the money I deposited and telling me I have LESS then what I should= not cool. My old bank account is solid and I love it but the bank locations are too far away so I want more convience. If I can't figure out the new account then I'm just going to deal with the 30 min one way drive whenever I have to deposit a check. Lets not even think of student loans.... they are like the looming blackness that always hangs on the horizon.

Then, I'm freaking out about my weight. I have been working out, looking and feeling good, and then I hit the scale and BAM! I weigh 10 lbs heavier then I had before and quite frankly heavier then I normally EVER weigh. All my efforts the last three months have gained me only 1 lb of muscle weight and 9lbs of fat according to the magic gym scale. So I ask myself, what the hell is that about! Thats when I got suckered into a personal trainer. Granted, I have wanted a personal trainer for a long time now, but I am still not sure its goning to be worth it. All I know is that Christmas is coming and I seem to be spending a lot on random shit for myslef, aka Dance, Personal training, healthy food.... you would think this is all great stuff, but not when you constantly look at your bank account and freak out. I really need a grip and to simply be satisfied with myself and who and what I am. I am a curvy woman, looking good and staying healthy no matter what all the stupid charts say, I need to just accept that. After this personal training stuff is over, I need to continue my fitness regime and simply STOP freaking out. I am sexy.

Next is really nothing too serious but I think its in the back of my mind. I really like my relationship with MD a lot and we get along really well, but I think in the back of my head I am still absolutely terrified that its all wrong that its not going to work that he's going to mess up one day or I will and it will all end. I'm scared shitless always and its really a stressful matter even though its not a stressful situation at all. He's been great, we've been great together, I am good to him and he is good to me, its everthing I always thought a relationship could be, so why am I scared still? I suppose its human nature.

Oh and my period is coming: probably tomorrow or the next day. So that is the root of all these stresses but man, I'm freaking out today!

A Visit from the Ex'es (Yup, plural!)

Yesterday I saw BOTH my Ex's at a meeting for work. In one breath, I always thought it was nice that work would still connect us in some way, but in another, I hate it. Having to see both of them again just brings up so many memories, which then lead to emotions, which then lead to pain. Although the meeting went better than I could have ever imagined, it still was hard to see them both and the wounds that are still scar tissue over did ache and yearn to pull apart again.

The Ex, well he just acts like I do not exist. He is angry at me. Angrier than anyone could ever be at a person. He would rather me not be around so he wouldn't have to remember, so he acts like he doesn't even know me. I can still feel his pain. Three years together and he acts like I am a stranger on the street. This man hurt me more than anyone else on this earth and yet his ignoring is some what calming. I too rather have him as a memory than something I need to deal with on a daily basis. One day that is all he'll be, just a memory.

I can't ever hate The Ex, unlike me, he didn't betray my emotions by getting together with someone else quickly, but he did hurt me by just not caring enough. He said he loved me, but you don't criticize someone you love on a daily basis, or make them jump through hoops for you constantly, or expect them to stand by your side no matter how reckless you were with yourself or them. That is not love, that is just entitlement and none of us are truly entitled to anything. Yet he taught me a lot about myself, about love, life, companionship, loyalty, and limits. So I will always be grateful for that relationship but I would never go back to it. Therefore, I am a stranger on the street and he is a passing body...

India was there too of course. This was the encounter I feared more than The Ex. my emotions with The Ex are numb, my emotions with India are still throbbing. The encounter went better than I could imagine, we even sat next to each other (not on purpose, but it just happened)! Both showed signs of nervousness but at the same time signs of familiarity and kindness. I can tell that that odd thing between us is still there, who knows, it may never go away really. Yet this is why it is so much harder with him. We can talk one on one now about little things but past that forget it. I let myself fall in love with him despite all his warnings and pleadings for me not to and I turned into an OCD case. I didn't leave the poor kid alone and I am so ashamed for that. But he liked it partially, he liked the attention and he fed into it as well. I fear that he no longer respects me for who I am because of it though and that is what causes my shame, but he was no doll either and it is hard for me to fully respect him. I wish things were different.

Today, I reread a couple of emails that we had exchanged. He cared for me so much yet it was that same care that asked me to leave so that we both would be better off, so that we both could find the right person for ourselves and so that we both could practice our faith and relationships openly. It was the same care that kept me coming back though and that is why it went from respecting each other and trying to be friends to sometimes hating each other, not being able to talk or be around each other for too long, and always wishing for it to be ok again. It kills me. And I miss him. I miss hearing about his culture or things that I am not familiar with; I miss his funny comments or quirky behaviors; and I miss him being comfortable around me. We used to lay together and just be at peace and now we can't even talk to each other without getting uncomfortable. We were so drawn to each other despite that fact that we were so wrong for each other and that we would never work. It confuses me terribly but all I know is that I'm left with scares and I wish it was different.

The things in life that you go through are supposed to make you stronger, but I'm so fragile due to the things that I've went through. I bring so much hesitation into my new relationships that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel right again with someone. I can only pray and know that out there is my husband, a man who will never make me cry or hurt me. I am so excited for him and if I've found him, then please Lord let me be good to him until we both realize that we are meant for each other. And please Lord, help me heal.

GOOD VS BAD

GOOD things that happened today:

I got a mini side job to do a floor plan for a bathroom expansion and room remodel. I shoudl be able to make a couple bucks on the side with this and feel honored that I was approached to do it when more senior architects could have done it as well.

I cancelled plans with one friend so that I would not have to drive all around town two days in a row making my life less hectic.

My girl friend called me up to see if I wanted to go to a concert for free. Not only do I get to see her, but a free concert! Hell yeah!!!

I get to see my boyfriend tonight, which means kisses! :)



BAD things that happened today:

The bus made me late so I had to work later.

My roommate decided to share with me that she thinks my boyfriend is "child like" with his enthusiam for things. This highly offended my and set me into an angry mood.

My boyfriend was not sure that we were hanging out tonight and there was a little bit of tension between us when we talked... we'll have to hug it out later.



Well I guess the GOOD did out weigh the BAD today. Its unfortunate though that the last thing I had to deal with today was my the roommate comment which really did upset me. Trying to let go of anger.... Whoooooo Saaaaaaaaah The sun is out and I may bust out of this joint a little ealry since now one is around. Whooooooo Saaaaaaaaah :) Jason Durulo tonight for free!! Let's go let's go!!!!

Twilight inspiration????

So I'm reading the Twilight series, which is completely a guilty pleasure and embarrassing fact to admit, however, it seems that I relate more closely to it then I ever imagined. In the book series, the main character, Bella, falls widely in love with Edward, her perfect vampire man. She is then left by him "for her better good" and ends up falling in love with her good friend Jacob. In the book, however, she describes how the sort of love is very different and only a fraction of what she felt for Edward. This is the part that I'm contimplating deeply: the differnt kinds of love.

Wild love: When I was with my Ex, I loved him widly. It was that kind of reckless love that didn't care about anyone or anything as long as we were together. We were spontaneous, illogical, and exhileratingly free of care or responsibility.... but this sort of passion was alway so emotional, unstable, and it cause me to loose a lot of respect for myself, my world, and those around me including my Ex. The wild love made us selfish and blinded, almost like a drug that was hard to kick.... The idea of freedom, that "if he was doing it, why can't I do it" mentality filled our love with feelings of competition, explosive behaviors, and eventually dislike. After that love rollercoaster, I closed that deep part, that wild part inside of me up, almost to a point where I am scared to ever release it again, yet I wish almost everyday that I could feel the exhileration and connection once more.

Logical Love: When I fell for India it was more rational. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into the entire time. It was a sort of fatal attraction that grew and grew and we simply indulged in it. We both had been hurt in the past and expressed that that was the last thing we wanted to do to each other but in the end that was exactly what happened. We were both so closed off to "real love" that we cared for each other in different ways and mostly in physically or on a surface manor. Whenever we truely let our hearts into it, we quickly realized that we should let the other go and spare them from the tragedy of knowing we couldn't be together, from the pain of falling for each other and knowing it must end. We spoke about it often and we did internally battle ourselves to continue or not. Thats why we were on and off so much, because our hearts were yelling at us to stop before we got too hurt. When we finally listened, it was too late, he had already infiltrated me and I'm sure I him. Now we are left with a wide gaping hole, the same one that Bella describes in the books, the kind that aches at the thought of each other, the same one that reacts upon hearing his name. It wasn't the wild love that opened and closed a wound rapidly, it was the kind that made me think of marriage and of possibilities, it was the kind that made me rational choose that I wanted him and that I would fight for him. But it was also the kind that knew that this was all I was ever going to get and that fighting wasn't even an option. I may have chose him, but I didn't get to pass go or collect my $200, the game stopped right where it started and I knew that despite my feelings.

Scared Love: Now I am seeing a new guy (MD) who that treats me like I always dreamed of being treated. One that brings me flowers, goes shopping with me, invites me to meet his family, cleans afer I cook, and even better cooks for me! He is the sort of man I always thought was in the world but had not yet experienced. The kind I feared didn't exist anymore. I'm so happy that he does and being with him makes me happy. Its stragne because its the kind of happy that just is there, not the kind that explodes out of you but the knid that when you stop to take note is just there beaming. But I am scared of the fact that it all just seems so natural, that it all seems good, like some kind of evil twist will one day happen like it had in the past relationships and everything will go to hell again. Its a scared love that keeps me reserved towards him though I am truely enjoying being with him.

These three types of love that I have experienced seem to pull me back to something Bella points out in the story: that if you open myself up to the idea of love again, it will be a different kind of love. Each time the intensity of love seems to weaken or change. This is my worry, why would such an indescribable force weaken or change? Perhaps its just new realtionships and you walls are all still up and maybe even new walls have gone up which explains the "weakened" observation, but in the book she describes her love for Jacob never being that of her love for Edward. I feel the same: my love for my Ex was far different from my love from India, yet the pain of the loss was similar. If i fall for MD, I'm sure that the love may be different too.... so I guess I am asking myself what sort of love do I want? The wild illogical kind, the far too logical but deeply understanding and passionate kind, or a new sort one that scares me a little because it seems right? Which will I choose and is there even a way to experience the same love twice? I am starting to think there isn't and maybe thats a very good thing.

A funny lil Rebelion

Sometimes I just feel so rebellious. Why should we do that which we are told. Music normally invokes this streak of adrenaline, music and boredom with work. :) So now I want to go out and wreak havoc. I never really do, but I always get that urge to, its just a desire to exhaust the energy that gets pent up during the day. This is why I chose a profession that will keep me on my toes. Despite working in my field, this government work sure as hell is boring. I'll have to make a change as soon as the opportune moment comes along.

Other than a sudden spire of cynical energy things are going great. I am dating a guy from MD who I just have fun with. So far I'm keeping it crazy casual since I simply can't handle any things that whispers thee word commitment, but we are practically dating and its nice. He respects me, actually respects me and that's refreshing.

I'll have to find something to do tonight...

Just because

Tonight I wish I was a Bengal Tiger hiding in the high grasses spying on my lover. His stripes would be gleaming in the light, his muscles peaked, he eyes intent. What I'd give to pounce out and wrestle amongst the sun lit ground with him...

On my way home tonight, I hope that I get into large amounts of mayhem. I want to explore. Try something different and hey, maybe something fun will come from it.

My heighten anticipation this week has made we feel nauseous, nervous, happy, excited, sad and melancholy. I MAY be seeing India for the first time in two months, I may get to look upon his rippling body again, look into his intent eyes, feel the tension between us again, speak to him once more! He MAY be reentering my realm of life this upcoming Monday due to work or he may not.... its a 50/50 draw. I 100% know why I can't be with him but it doesn't ever seem to stop me from wanting to be with him. What I'd give to just be held in his arms again and smell his skin.

So mayhem come! Distract me from thoughts of the potential future and day dreams of that which can not be.

Freaking out, once again

For the past month I have been dating this guy from MD. He's been a lot of fun, caring, generous, and all around extremely mindful and respectful of me. The problem lies with the situations surrounding his life. In his earlier years, circa a year and a half ago, he was involved in heavier drugs, a sex driven lifestyle, and all in all party atmosphere. This lifestyle resulted in a baby, his beautifully little girl, who turned his life around. Since the arrival of his daughter, he has been really cleaning himself up, working hard, rearranging his goals to be a good father and provider and simply being responsible. Enters, me... I just happen to stumble upon this guy, go on a date and enjoy him enough to give him a second. Next thing I know we are hanging out, he's cooking me dinner, I'm cooking him dinner, and we are rolling right along into relationville... Can I stop the train, please!?

Thing is I like MD guy. We have fun, he's kind, I enjoy having a companion. However, I am not anywhere ready to roll on into relationville nor am I ready to roll into it with someone who's past I am really uncomfortable with and who's present involves a child who I will essential be involved with, effect, and get attached to. These realizations have led me to decide upon "the break up time," (which essentially leads to me freaking out).

Whenever the break up time arrives, I become horribly indecisive. I know what I like and dislike, what I want and don't want, yet I let compassion get in the way of my tiny bit of selfishness. I hate breaking up with people because I am way too nice for my own good and a lot of time I just hate telling them the hard honest facts. In this case, it is mainly me not being ready to settle down with a guy who clearly is starting to in order to provide for his child, but also its partially him. I don't like a lot of things about his past, present, and future lifestyle and I don't think that those things are meant for my lifestyle. My head tells me this is entirely rational and justified that it is better to end things now before we both get hurt. My bleeding heart on the other hand, brings up indecision and too much compassion for its own good along with some fantasy that things will just work them selves out. This is a lie, this don't work themselves out, you have to make a decision which is a catalyst for an action which then works a situation out. I am 85% my decision has been made.

Deep breath... sometimes in this life we have to do what we know is right but that which is hard. I am strong, he'll be ok, we'll both move on to live happy lives. End Story.

Oddly Expectant

This mornings commute was different. You know the feeling when your routine changes itself and you realize something new is happening? Today, my usual sparsely filled bus was packed; the rodes were lighter; the people i encountered on the ride were younger and attractive; and the walk into work had a lighter air. Perhaps it is me that is different or perhaps it is the atmosphere that has changed. Overall the feel of this mornings variation has left me with an oddly expectant feeling. It is as the cosmos is subtly preparing you for something big that's coming. I can't help but laugh at the thought that I am living a scene from the Matrix at the moment. Picture Neo realizing that something in the Matrix has been changed and is warning him of some impending doom. I don't feel doom is the what I am awaiting, nonetheless, I may be a bit on guard today and my suspicions will keep me alert for my enemy agents. The anticipation is exciting.

Silken Dreams

Today, I want to wrap myself in silk and rest. The week has been long and busy, but I've enjoyed every second of it. My body is simply tired today, causing my mindset to slow down as well.

I have begun talking to a teacher and biologist online. He is rather fascinating and through some scholarly discussions, I've come to realize that I don't use much of my mind in my present day to day job nor do I interact with people on an intellectual playing field similar to mine. Its refreshing to talk with him and our conversations have provoked intellectual stimulation that I haven't felt since college. My article yesterday was birthed from this inspiration.

In the love life, I am still wrestling with my patheticness. I email the Indian today just because I wanted to say hello. He didn't respond... shocker. It just makes me feel either crazy or extremely desperate. Both these qualities I do not portray on a day to day basis so I would come to believe that I am completely sane and confident. Yet in moments of weakness when I spontaneously reach out with the last clinging sense of hope that things between us will turn normal, I just feel so ashamed for even trying to mend this broken friendship. I'm not the one to give up hope, but this situation is beyond repair and not worth the emotional devastation that its causing.

On a happier not I am going back to DC tonight. :) My best friend from college is back from a world wind tour of the Middle East and the Holy Land. I am very much jealous of him but his gifted life allows me to live vicariously through him, so I am very much appreciative for that factor. And, apparently I have presents awaiting me...:):):):):):) It should be a good night.

Before I depart for Dc, I still think I'll lay my weary body down upon my silk confider and simply rest. I am in one of those moods where I realize how pathetic and desperate I've acted toward my ex India and need to let my self delve into those crevices of my mind, let it out, and then move on. The silk will be soft and comforting, so I should OK in the end.

Architectural Tangent

OK, I have to go off about this one topic because it just evokes such a strong emotion in me that I can't hold it in....

Contemporary Architecture and the use of Materiality:

As an off spring of Modernism with geometric shapes and lack of ornamentation, Contemporary Architecture pushes the modernist concepts by generating shapes from the simple square to the angular and complex through techniques such as subtraction and addition, rotation, fragmentation, and invocation of the organic by creating mutable buildings. Cool. I like it, well most of the time, but here is my beef: The use of materiality in Contemporary Architecture sometimes generates buildings that are too massive and heavy in appearance to be pleasing and welcoming to the visitor. My main materiality focus is the use of dark corrugated metals and concrete. Now these materials have been used over the ages as cheaper construction items that allow for durability and mildly appealing appearance. Typically in the industrial realm you see these materials a lot, but recently I have been seeing more and more commercial and residential applications. There is nothing wrong with these materials unless, in my opinion, they are paired in such a way that lacks other color, a balance of light and dark, and in general evokes more of an ominous feeling than an appreciation for the architectural form. For me, the use of these materials is completely justified in today's design and construction world with the fast pace low cost mind set, but I implore those using it to interject some sort of color, even if its a white, to offset the dreary heaviness that these dark corrugated metal and concrete buildings can project.

Two examples of this sort of architecture can be seen in La Brea Avenue Residence located in LA and The Radian in Philadelphia. The first is what I would deem a job well done. It is a 4-story residence that expresses the geometric techniques of the Contemporary Style while embarrassing this new usage of materials. However, the architect broke up the use of the corrugate metal and the concrete so they create a more balanced color scheme throughout the building. Also, she introduced a bright red metal at the bottom of the building to bring in color and to lift the eyes from the ground floor to the upper levels. The simple addition of color at the base of the upper levels, creates an aspect of floating the top floors even though 2/3rds of the floors are clearly rooted to the ground via concrete walls.

The Radian, on the other hand, falls short on the application of these materials. The sizable building does not incorporate the concrete as much within the upper, most visible levels which causes the eye to see nothing but dark metal. The mullions on the windows blend with the overall cladding which also is a loss of opportunity to break up the heaviness of the facades. The design of the overall building is rather intriguing but due to the heaviness of the materials wrapping it, the overall appearance comes off as gloomy rather than the inviting residence and community center it is intending to be. I do have to commend them though on the lower public levels. The first 3 levels are dedicated to restaurants and public spaces that are generated through interesting angular moves and inventive usage of concrete. There is even a lovely green roof that extends from "What's On Tap's" 2nd floor eating area into the tree tops that align the street below generating a quiet country aspect within the bustling metropolitan. But despite the good design, the material application in this building overshadows not only the surrounding blocks but your opinion on the building overall.

Therefore, my advice for using these materials is to do so carefully, considering the balance of the dark metal with the lighter concrete. Also, introducing at least one brighter color will help the eye brighten up the overall building appearance. A building that uses dark corrugated metal and concrete can be pleasing and welcoming in appearance if the balance of dark and light is reach through the introduction of brightness.

Fright then Flight, not always the answer

I had something funny happen to me today that I felt I should share... I have been seeing this boy from MD for the past two or three weeks. As we've been getting to know each other, there are things about him that make me hesitant but over all I enjoy his company and spending time with him. Lately, it appears that he is becoming a little more attached then i am, so I decided to come clean and let him know about my hesitations so that we can keep things casual and not jump into the serious after a month.

All day i have been building courage to bring up the topic at our dinner date tonight. I've been going over what i am feeling, thinking of the best ways to present the topic, thinking of when or how I should bring it up, and in generally trying not to freak out. I have come to realize that my natural Fright and Flight instincts kick in whenever I have hesitations about a relationship. This method can be quite helpful when you really do feel the guy is a creep, but less effective when you actually enjoy someone and would like to simply build a friendship before committing to a serious relationship. Nonetheless, the natural instinct to RUN is a strong emotion.

So as I am building up the courage not to run, to face him and be honest and take it from there, he texts me that he has something special for me that he wants to give me before dinner. I about died with anxiety!!! I immediately needed advice in order not to completely freak out and end things via text message (something I would have been upset at myself with later)! So I contacted my roommate, my brother, and another close guy friend for an immediate advice session.

My roommate offered some good advice but I found that the boy's offered more rational and easily acceptable guidance. They said they were 90% sure that this "present" was probably just something small that shows that he cares for you and is interested and most likely shouldn't be anything to freak out about. If there was the 10% chance that it was something big, then there was nothing wrong with not accepted it. Then they said if I have hesitations, that this would be a very good time to bring them up and just be honest. Since I had already planned to bring up the conversation about slowing down, it seemed they were the added courage that I needed.

For a few moments after receiving the advice and returning to planet earth, I was completely humored by my reaction. I was so quick to get scared= Fright and even quicker to resolve the fear through ending things= Flight. It made me realize 2 things:

1) No matter how chicken I can be at times, I must be honest with a guy and give him the chance to absorb my honesty and respond for himself, even if his response is not what I want to hear. This also means that Flight is not the first answer all the time.
2) That i really have no idea what i am doing with this whole dating things at times. Its not something that upsets me, its more something that amuses me. I think we are all in this boat at times: none person doesn't know everything so there are plenty of times, especially with dating, when we are at an absolute loss for comprehension. That is why we need friends, good advice, and a minute or two to calm down a evaluate.

If you are thinking of running for a silly reason, just calm down, be honest with yourself and with the guy/girl, and get some help from a rational friend. Then you'll be fine.

Failed morning commute

I strategically position myself within a city so that I do not have to rely on my vehicle. This means from time to time, when my legs are weary, I will rely on public transportation. Today was one of those mornings that I choe the bus rather than busting my ass.

I walked out of my door with the decision made having made the decision to use public transportation and headed towards the bust stop. Observeing the clouds around me and remembering the forcast called for thunderstorms, I felt it neccessary to stop at my car on the way to the stop and grab an umbrella. I glanced the stop to see a young girl waiting there as I dashed to the car. With 10 minutes of time before the bus was expected to come, I felt my speed was needed but not rreqiured. As I turned the corner umbrella in hand, the girl had disappeared. Confused, I looked up the street to see the Circulator glinting upon the horizon. Anger fell over me. Checking my watch I decided that it was safe to wait the ten more minutes until the next one came.

As I stood there reading my book, I watched for the road, felt the moisture in the air and agreed that despite my anger at the bus, it was better to be angry then drenched in sweat when I got to work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Periodically checking the clock and wondering why the bus had still not gotten there. And then finally after 25 mintues of waiting, when it should have been 10, the bus glides up as if nothing was wrong. The time I spent waiting was the same amount of time that it would have taken me to walk to work this morning. This fact casued the blood to reach boiling point.

While we traveled along, the bus driver seemed to have no care in the world that the good people on his bus were trying to get to work. There was absolutely no hurry in his driving, no speediness to even go when the light turned green. He simply drove as if this was a casual day with no care in the world. Perhaps I would have appreciated this mentality much more if he didn't already make me late to work.

Finally I alighted from the bus at my stop and rushed my tired legs into the building to where I sit now writing this entry. Deep breathe, release, move on...

I feel better now.

House Guest Fiesta

For the past week, I have been able to host my first house guest with my roommie L-dog. We have enjoyed his company immensely and he's even helped hang some larger paintings. From time to time, it is nice to have a capable man around to help out with these things.

Last night, as a thank you, our House Guest cooked us dinner. It was a delicious well rounded meal with wine to boot. We ate drank and were merry for the rest of the evening occasionally hanging some photos or paintings, cleaning up, and doing small chores together. As the discussion progressed, we got into love lives. I made a stunning revelation last night that I am currently chatting it up with all but 6 gentlemen at the moment! Since when was my luck this good!? Thanks to Plentyoffish.com (a free online dating site) and the traditional human interaction, I have been able to mingle with a good amount of gents. Currently, 2 are old college friends that have always been interested and I've finally decided to give them a little more attention, 2 are MD guys that are fun and enjoyable but may not be my style in the long run, 1 is someone I could see myself with in the long run but in the here and now, he may not have enough time for me since his job is demanding, and 1 is just someone I would like to be friends with because his personality is so outgoing. It seems like a good mix!

To be honest, I am thrilled. I am finally getting used to the single life and embracing it more and more. Sure I miss India from time to time and sure I miss the comfortable feelings my Ex and I had, but they didn't work out for a reason and there is no reason why I shouldn't be going out meeting people, enjoying dates, and generally being desired :) The idea tickles me pink!

So if you are single, sitting around at home and deeply desiring a date night, hop online, just go to a bar, see a movie on your own and see if some cutie notices. Just be confident with yourself and you will catch the eyes of a beholder.

A Restless Night's sleep

Man, I normally am the heaviest sleeper but last night I awoke every two hours. I don't know why... Maybe I was hot, maybe i ate too much, maybe I was thinking of India, maybe all of the above. But something in my subconscious kept me turning....

Today, I am working on being productive and efficient. I am in a new rotation in my job that has absolutely no interest to me. Motivation in this situation is hard to muster, but I am going to try to turn the leaf and be a studious employee once again.

As far as the dating scene, I am starting to book dates for the next two weeks! Its exciting, but slightly overwhelming as well. I have met a guy from MD who've I've gone out several times with already. He is really sweet and makes me laugh and I simply feel comfortable around him. The only thing is he comes with a lot of baggage. His family seems to have many little issues, he seems to have a lot of responsibility on his shoulders from the family, and he has a baby daughter... Its one of those cases that he seems to be really getting his life in order now but that his past is still something that effects the present. I like him, but I do not know if I want to take on everything that would come with the package...

I hope that today is a good one. I have good feeling towards it and hopefully, the evening will bring a better night's sleep.

Pathetic - 5 dictionary results

pa·thet·ic 
–adjective
1.causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc.; pitiful; pitiable: a pathetic letter; a pathetic sight.

4.miserably or contemptibly inadequate: In return for our investment we get a pathetic three percent interest.

For the past year, India has been dominating my life, my emotions, and my thoughts, causing me to become more and more pathetic. When I choose to do something that causes me to think in the back of my mind, "You are being so pathetic right now," I embody the definition of the word. And yet, time and time again, I chose him, I followed him, I fought for him, with NO sustaining reward. Every time, I would hold my breath when I got text messages hoping it was from him; I would look for him on gchat even after he blocked me; I would check his facebook and want to comment on a photo or status but hold back knowing that it would upset him in someway... Essentially, I walked on egg shells, praying not to let them crack and wake the sleeping beast that is India's emotional response system. And yet, he would continue to tell me pretty lies, touch me a certain way, look at me with the passion of a lover, or kiss me tenderly, and I bought it= PATHETIC.

For months, I fought amongst my internal selves telling myself, "Just walk away," "Maybe today he'll answer," "He just uses you for his owe needs, cut him off," "He stared me in the eyes today and gave me a huge hug hello..." Anytime I muster the strength to end things, he would let me go for a day or two then do something to get me back. And vice verse, I made it extremely hard for him to leave me as well= PATHETIC.

But its been one month now since we were last together, and several months since he started to pull away. He's been emotionally checked out of this relationship for 6 months now. I may have been pathetic, but I'm not an idiot... He told me one night several months ago that this [relationship] was not fair to me and that the best thing for me was to walk away. It was hard for him to say, I could tell, and the months after that I could see that he fought with himself too. I saw him last week and as he walked away he said good bye and held eye contact with me until he had to turn the corner and his view was cut off. So why won't he be with me if its obvious that he has some sort of feelings for me? He does it to spare us both a greater pain... We come from different backgrounds, different religions, and different mind sets. Sure we could have let ourselves fall in love, but then what... Convincing our families would have been extremely hard, introducing each other to our friends would have been a challenge, learning to respect our differences and partake in our varying cultural diversities would have been laborious, but it would have been possible with love. And this is where we vary the most: I choose the road less traveled, if I love someone, I know no bounds, but India chooses the road well traveled, the road pleasing to those around him and that is easy to maneuver. I don't doubt that he is a deep lover, he has shown me that despite his cruelty, he does care deeply for me, but its not enough for him to choose the harder path. I may never accept this, I may always fight against it, and I may always try to convince him otherwise, but for now, I have decided to stop.

The stronger side of me is winning today and its deciding to stop being PATHETIC. I may be stubborn, a fighter, emotional, and rash at times, but I will be damned if I am going to be pathetic for any longer. My last two relationships have brought this horribly shameful side out of me. Perhaps its youth and inexperience that has caused my compromising manor, but forget that! Today, I FINALLY removed India from facebook, taken his number out of my phone, deleted all his old messages, and erased his number from where it was written in my address booklet. Today, I am a strong, happy woman, finally accepting that the Italian-India sage is over and that I can move on and remain a strong, happy woman.

I look at my own story and see the patheticness in it. I knew even while it was happening that "this is just not right." To anyone out there that is stuck in a relationship that makes them feel less than what they are worth, get out! You can. You do not owe a man/woman anything, but you owe yourself everything. You owe yourself respect, strength, power over your emotions and your heart. You owe yourself the ability to look in the mirror and see a beautiful strong woman/man who is not pathetic, who does not let someone use them, and who does not compromise their values, beliefs, or feelings. Stand up for yourself and walk away. And, though it has taken me a long time to realize, the best way to do this is by cutting all contact with the person. Men have grasped this concept very well, its time woman understand that its OK to just let someone go. Cutting the strings is more relieving than holding on to the tiniest thread. I will say, I feel relieved today to know that I am my owe woman and that India is a pleasant memory that I have learned from and that I can look back on and smile saying, "When it was good it was a really nice relationship, when it was bad it was horrible and painful... Thank God I'm not that person anymore."

Busy bee and a new Lady

Although I awoke this morning with a funny feeling in my heart, I do have to say this weekend was fantastic! I worked hard during the days, partied at night, and shopped like a fiend! The perfect single lady weekend :)

The weekend started with a ladies' night of sorts. My roommate, her good friend from college, and I went down to DC to see Avenue Q. It was a hysterical show... if you want a fun, lighthearted, and realistic show, despite the puppets, this would be a good suggestion. It played with the idea of finding one's purpose, loving and choosing to walk away, and the bond between friends. Overall the messages were enjoyable and the songs were a mix of reality and humor. This show definitely it the, "it's funny because its true" notion on the head. It's playing through the Shakespeare theater in DC.

Saturday, brought with it a busy work day in the new apartment. I attempted to finish the last of the painting by covering the hallway doors and walls with a second coat. Due to time constraints, I only got half of the walls 2nd coated but the doors were all completed... I am disheartened by the way the came out. Though they have 2 coats on them, the doors still appear to have roller marks and small bleed through areas. Although I want painting to be completed more than anything, I want things to look good. This incessant desire for perfection is eventually going to cause me to paint the doors a third time and kill another few hours and my shoulder muscles.

Despite the tiring work, the evening proved extremely entertaining. I had a date with an MD guy. We have gone on two dates now and have had a lot of fun on both...He's sweet and fun loving guy and makes me laugh, which is enjoyable. Unfortunately, there are a few things in his life that cause me to have hesitations about started a more serious relationship with him. Though I do enjoy dating him, eventually I will have to break it to him that I am not willing to pursue things much further than dating. We shall see... BUT despite the future status, Saturday was awesome: we started the evening at a great ethnic restaurant called Lebanese Taverna (very classy style and delicious food), then went to see Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio... IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!! Go see it tonight! It blew my mind and was best moving I've seen in a while. The concepts behind the movie, as well as the phenomenal acting and directing, made for a wonderful piece of art.

Then Sunday I went to Mass. It was nice to sit in the peace of the church with God and with all the cute families of the neighborhood. While I was praying, I became really overwhelmed and teared up... I think for a few minutes I missed my family a lot. Its hard sometimes to go to church one your own. I love being there and seeing the families all together, but then I realize I am there by myself and a pang of sadness runs through me. Its OK though, I am a strong independent woman and one day, I'll have my very own family with me... but for now, I'm fine going on my own. Afterwards, I went shopping for apartment decor :) I bought my first piece of painted art work! It is a picture of a woman in the Old Italian propaganda style (I'll try to upload a picture later). She is set in a yellow back ground and is wearing a beautiful black dress and hat and her face is covered... this makes the woman very mysterious. Her body is twisted because she is walking and looking back at a little doggy... because of this feature, there is a lot of movement in the piece, which I love. I am really excited about it and it fits perfectly in our living room which has a large dark red wall. I can't wait to show off the apartment to guests. I have really enjoyed making the space my own and putting my style into it. I look forward to compliments, suggestions, and even words of dislike that may come in our anticipated house warming, I'll be sure to write about it. :)

So after such a busy weekend, I came to work today completely fried! This morning all I wanted to do was drink some chi tea, eat a muffin and read the news... I did just that, oh and wrote this blog :) Now I must get a little more serious and actually do this fun thing called work. What a lovely way to end a fantastic single girl weekend :)

New Start

Once again, I let this blog go. My apologies reader! I am back now and with a slightly new perspective on things. In order to represent the new chapter in my life that I have begun, I have updated some things with the blog. I hope that the changes are well received and that you know that your support and love is always appreciated.

This new chapter has commenced due to a recent move to a new city. I am now a Diva in Baltimore! Though I will always hold DC in a special niche of my heart, Baltimore has become my new home and is introducing me to a new lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I am still every bit of a Diva, but the culture, the sites and sounds, and the type of people here are much different from DC. I hope to share these aspects with you, as well as my continued journey to love, and my wild worldly adventures.

My first focus, outside of setting up a new apartment, which is coming along beautifully if I say so myself, is creating a balance of mind, body, and soul. I have been too focused on the drama's of the heart and the needs of the body to work on this balance. When it comes to the soul, despite my deep faith in God, at times I have followed the path of least resistance which has led me to some emotionally complicated situations. I've found that a strong faith can only help you to maintain a strong and upright outlook on life and situations. Faith is that instinct that calls out when you are in a moment of decision: listen to those gut instincts, make a decision, and stick to it, wavering only causes more heartache. And in those moments of need, just pause and listen... listening is the part most people miss, but if you listen, you'll hear an answer.

On the mind front, I need to start to focus on my passion of architecture more. Each of us has that one thing that we can spend hours pondering, working at, and figuring out without ever realizing time has past. Focus on enriching your mind in your passion and it will lead you to random and more intriguing aspects of life. Knowledge is power.

And finally for the body, I am going to start focusing on dance. I love performance and movement. I want to focus my physical energies in becoming a great dancer again and subsequently becoming fit and healthy. If you want to loose some pounds, then start today... they will never go away unless you devote your self to determination and fitness. There are so many options out there to simply embrace movement and physical activity that everyone can find their nook.

I am hoping that shifting my attentions to my mind, body, and soul instead of my heart will help be become more rational with my emotions. I am a Cancer, I am supposed to be an emotional person, but it does not mean I have to be an emotional wreck. Anytime I miss India, my most recent ex, I will write him a letter that I never intend to send. This form of release will help you to get out all that you want to say without causing damage to your self or another. It is the best way I have found to release any anxiety or emotion on a topic without harmful consequences. Try it :)

So followers, I hope all is well in your lives and if it is not, I hope that my suggestions above for my own life can help inspire yours as well. Love is forever, God is good, and everyday is a present. Remembering these things will help you see that there is no need for unnecessary pain.