Pathetic - 5 dictionary results

pa·thet·ic 
–adjective
1.causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc.; pitiful; pitiable: a pathetic letter; a pathetic sight.

4.miserably or contemptibly inadequate: In return for our investment we get a pathetic three percent interest.

For the past year, India has been dominating my life, my emotions, and my thoughts, causing me to become more and more pathetic. When I choose to do something that causes me to think in the back of my mind, "You are being so pathetic right now," I embody the definition of the word. And yet, time and time again, I chose him, I followed him, I fought for him, with NO sustaining reward. Every time, I would hold my breath when I got text messages hoping it was from him; I would look for him on gchat even after he blocked me; I would check his facebook and want to comment on a photo or status but hold back knowing that it would upset him in someway... Essentially, I walked on egg shells, praying not to let them crack and wake the sleeping beast that is India's emotional response system. And yet, he would continue to tell me pretty lies, touch me a certain way, look at me with the passion of a lover, or kiss me tenderly, and I bought it= PATHETIC.

For months, I fought amongst my internal selves telling myself, "Just walk away," "Maybe today he'll answer," "He just uses you for his owe needs, cut him off," "He stared me in the eyes today and gave me a huge hug hello..." Anytime I muster the strength to end things, he would let me go for a day or two then do something to get me back. And vice verse, I made it extremely hard for him to leave me as well= PATHETIC.

But its been one month now since we were last together, and several months since he started to pull away. He's been emotionally checked out of this relationship for 6 months now. I may have been pathetic, but I'm not an idiot... He told me one night several months ago that this [relationship] was not fair to me and that the best thing for me was to walk away. It was hard for him to say, I could tell, and the months after that I could see that he fought with himself too. I saw him last week and as he walked away he said good bye and held eye contact with me until he had to turn the corner and his view was cut off. So why won't he be with me if its obvious that he has some sort of feelings for me? He does it to spare us both a greater pain... We come from different backgrounds, different religions, and different mind sets. Sure we could have let ourselves fall in love, but then what... Convincing our families would have been extremely hard, introducing each other to our friends would have been a challenge, learning to respect our differences and partake in our varying cultural diversities would have been laborious, but it would have been possible with love. And this is where we vary the most: I choose the road less traveled, if I love someone, I know no bounds, but India chooses the road well traveled, the road pleasing to those around him and that is easy to maneuver. I don't doubt that he is a deep lover, he has shown me that despite his cruelty, he does care deeply for me, but its not enough for him to choose the harder path. I may never accept this, I may always fight against it, and I may always try to convince him otherwise, but for now, I have decided to stop.

The stronger side of me is winning today and its deciding to stop being PATHETIC. I may be stubborn, a fighter, emotional, and rash at times, but I will be damned if I am going to be pathetic for any longer. My last two relationships have brought this horribly shameful side out of me. Perhaps its youth and inexperience that has caused my compromising manor, but forget that! Today, I FINALLY removed India from facebook, taken his number out of my phone, deleted all his old messages, and erased his number from where it was written in my address booklet. Today, I am a strong, happy woman, finally accepting that the Italian-India sage is over and that I can move on and remain a strong, happy woman.

I look at my own story and see the patheticness in it. I knew even while it was happening that "this is just not right." To anyone out there that is stuck in a relationship that makes them feel less than what they are worth, get out! You can. You do not owe a man/woman anything, but you owe yourself everything. You owe yourself respect, strength, power over your emotions and your heart. You owe yourself the ability to look in the mirror and see a beautiful strong woman/man who is not pathetic, who does not let someone use them, and who does not compromise their values, beliefs, or feelings. Stand up for yourself and walk away. And, though it has taken me a long time to realize, the best way to do this is by cutting all contact with the person. Men have grasped this concept very well, its time woman understand that its OK to just let someone go. Cutting the strings is more relieving than holding on to the tiniest thread. I will say, I feel relieved today to know that I am my owe woman and that India is a pleasant memory that I have learned from and that I can look back on and smile saying, "When it was good it was a really nice relationship, when it was bad it was horrible and painful... Thank God I'm not that person anymore."