For the past month I have been dating this guy from MD. He's been a lot of fun, caring, generous, and all around extremely mindful and respectful of me. The problem lies with the situations surrounding his life. In his earlier years, circa a year and a half ago, he was involved in heavier drugs, a sex driven lifestyle, and all in all party atmosphere. This lifestyle resulted in a baby, his beautifully little girl, who turned his life around. Since the arrival of his daughter, he has been really cleaning himself up, working hard, rearranging his goals to be a good father and provider and simply being responsible. Enters, me... I just happen to stumble upon this guy, go on a date and enjoy him enough to give him a second. Next thing I know we are hanging out, he's cooking me dinner, I'm cooking him dinner, and we are rolling right along into relationville... Can I stop the train, please!?
Thing is I like MD guy. We have fun, he's kind, I enjoy having a companion. However, I am not anywhere ready to roll on into relationville nor am I ready to roll into it with someone who's past I am really uncomfortable with and who's present involves a child who I will essential be involved with, effect, and get attached to. These realizations have led me to decide upon "the break up time," (which essentially leads to me freaking out).
Whenever the break up time arrives, I become horribly indecisive. I know what I like and dislike, what I want and don't want, yet I let compassion get in the way of my tiny bit of selfishness. I hate breaking up with people because I am way too nice for my own good and a lot of time I just hate telling them the hard honest facts. In this case, it is mainly me not being ready to settle down with a guy who clearly is starting to in order to provide for his child, but also its partially him. I don't like a lot of things about his past, present, and future lifestyle and I don't think that those things are meant for my lifestyle. My head tells me this is entirely rational and justified that it is better to end things now before we both get hurt. My bleeding heart on the other hand, brings up indecision and too much compassion for its own good along with some fantasy that things will just work them selves out. This is a lie, this don't work themselves out, you have to make a decision which is a catalyst for an action which then works a situation out. I am 85% my decision has been made.
Deep breath... sometimes in this life we have to do what we know is right but that which is hard. I am strong, he'll be ok, we'll both move on to live happy lives. End Story.
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