Another you....

Song of the day, John Mayers "I'm gonna find another You." Once again John not only speaks to my heart but uplifts it into a realm of reassurance and comfort. The lyrics speak everything that I feel at this moment about India. I love how music can transcend every emotion and time period of your life. I've always listened to this song, but never fully felt the true essence, the true meaning, the true feelings behind it until till today. Thanks John!

I'm Gonna Find Another You:

Its really over, you made your stand
You got me cryin, as was your plan.
But when my lonelyness is through, I'm gonna find another you.

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from Blue
I'm gonna find another you.

When I was your lover
No else would do
If I'm forced to find another, I hope she (he) looks like you
Yeah and she (he) is nicer too.

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do
Oh I'm gonna find another you.

Self-Inflicted Psychosis

Honestly, I want to slap myself sometimes. After a very enjoyable night on my own and a hopeful outlook for the new day, I return to work still thinking of the Indian! It is unfortunate that work and my social life are so intermingled at this point of my life. Work used to be the place where I escaped from any dilemmas in my social realm and vice verse. Now, they are one in the same. It is frustrating not only that I have no place to turn for sanctuary but also that I can not get him out of my head. I've already deemed, several times, that the "relationship" was not going to lead to any thing long term. Both of us knew that which is why we wouldn't let ourselves fall for each other, but in the same breath we kept coming back to each other. Why do you always want what you can't have? Its that self destructive tendency again.

At the end of an emotionally charged "nothing fight" that occured two days ago, he claimed that he was never going to talk to me again because I called him heartless and hurtful. Part of me "the Bitch," in the true sense of the word as Sherry Argov has described it, says "Fine, don't talk to me, I'm better off without you in my life. It wasn't going anywhere anyway because you wouldn't let me in, so whats the point trying to stay 'friends!'" The other part, the "Nice Girl," the part that believes in the good in people and the fantasy that every guy really believes in love and has the capability to be a gentleman, wants to apologize for the name calling and attempt reconciliation of some form. Right now "the Bitch" is winning and I sincerely hope that she continues to win because any form of reconciliation at this point is just another form of giving in, another way I've given him want he wants, and another way I've put myself second. Fuck that, I am not apologizing. People will treat you the way that you let them treat you, I don't want to come second to any man, so I'm not apologizing!

Quotes of the evening

"I sometimes wonder what the fuck I'm doing. I have these accidents, these mistakes, the self-inflicted wounds, and the i tear my head to shreds about it for days. I'll read a little something and die a thousand times in my own mind..." -John Mayer

I know what he means. This is pretty much the way I feel about most of the decisions in my life. A lack of certainty, there is no certainty in the world, sometimes you just have to trust.




My Brother: "What would Yoda say?"

Yoda: "There is no Try. There is only Do or Do Not."

We should all live by this, that little puppet knew what he was talking about!

Thanks John Mayer!

There is something good in the world when you can go to a Barnes & Noble, read a magazine article about one of your favorite singers, drink a Chi Tea, and just smile. I haven't written to you in a while because the last week or two has been hell. I decided to throw my self respect out the window again when i let India walk back into my life for God knows what number this is now. A spiral of self destruction is something I constantly slip in and out of, one has to wonder when I'd learn to stop myself. I think perhaps one day things will be different, but then I fear that different may be way too boring...

Nonetheless, I sit here now after days emotional turmoil, distress, and continual self analysis to simply find that I am utterly entertained by the idea of being surrounded by the world when I am on the brink of tears and self implosion. In this Barnes & Nobles not a single person knows who I am, where I come from, and what I have or have not done in my life. This feeling of complete detachment and complete immersion thrills me to the core. Also, the stellar jams that are pumping through the sound system helps, as does an article on John Mayer that is as absurd as he wants it to be. I'd live in his crazy world for a while as long as the two of us shared the truth, while the rest of the world dabbles in our web of lies or antics. John inspires me a bit tonight, letting go of the care and stress of one's life and instead molding it into what you want it to be is truly the way to go.

"The Loss of Certainty," that is the book that is starring at me. I wonder what God's intent is with this book. "How did you get to me, how did you get to my happiness, my love, love, love." These are the lyrics playing on the radio. As I came here tonight in order to escape the misery of a broken heart, misspoken emotional words, and a general state of lonely depression, I catch the things around me and know deep inside why He's put the there. Detachment is needed not from the world but from yourself and the tangled web you create for yourself. Reentry in the world, the observations, the awakening to that which is around you, that's what sets you free.

Congratulations to our new Mayor!

Have you ever had a day when you just fell into a pity party? This evening as I sat on the couch with my brother waiting around for extended family members to eventually arrive from a far, I just slipped into this horribly pissed off mood. I blame the sudden emotional spike on Wii Fit. A few moments earlier, I was enjoying a nice work out using the game when I decided to check my body weight and BMI. I knew that the past month has been detrimental to my waistline, but Wii Fit has a way of being so frank and slightly harsh about your weight status that it really set me off. Now that I think that I look preggers and apparently have the bodily agility of a 45 (thanks Wii Fit age), my mind easily began wondering into other ridiculously frustrating topics.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #1: Why whenever you are trying to forget about someone, everything reminds you of that person!?

Not only did I go shopping today and see an unusually high amount of products made in India, but I also saw said boy's exact car driving next to me for sometime last night. Yup, not just the model of his car, but the exact convertable style and color. Then there is the music. The music is always the worst of the reminder nemasis. This brought me to the first stop in Bitch-ville.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #2: Why am I being so unmovtivated and lazy when it comes to furthering my career and talents!?

I have been getting better at this item, but still, I need to motivate myself more, get my ass moving, working, and designing. These things make me happy, I know this, so what am I waiting for? Exit two of Bitch-ville coming up.

Ridiculously frustrating topic #3: Why are my parents taking FOREVER to come home with dinner!?

Due to my extended families' dinner time arrival, we intended to all eat together. However, my extended family called and said they would be late. My parents, the irrational people that they are, decided to still wait until 9pm to go out to even get the food that they still intended on waiting to eat until our family got in. I am starving and slightly hypoglycemic, where the fuck are they? I am hungry and now in the center of Bitch-ville about to become Mayor.

All of these things left me in a state of utter rage. After having a little freak out fest, I decided to take a hot shower. At this time, I would like to thank who ever created the hot water tank. For me, there is no better stress release than a steaming hot shower and the feeling of release. The hot water just seems to pull me back to reality, allowing me to exhale my frustrations and inhale confidence. Its my "Ah" moment and thank God for it, because I was on the brink of receiving the Bitch of the year award. Bitch-ville is now slowly passing my rear view, frustration released or at least suppressed for the moment, and my Mayoral hat put back on the shelf.

Frantic, but so good.

The day started with a groggy morning as I woke up with the sounds of my alarm. This is more than I can say for yesterday's late ascedncance out of bed and then rush to get ready. As I meandered around, I began thinking about the events of the day and a slight feeling of panic krept into my inner being. Its days like this, when you have so much to do, that you get this feeling of frantic energy. It is amazing and horrible at the same time in the sense that it keeps you in check and productive, but it also instills a panic that keeps you dangling on the edge of a stress attack. Though some may hate moments liks this, I, on the other hand, am excited by this feeling today. Funny enough, it has been a while since I have really felt this energy to just go and this focus to do. I read once that people walk through life half asleep. I try to never be that way, but on days like this, when I feel so enlivened by my own productivity, that it makes me realize that I could be doing so much more other days. Slowly but surely, I feel as though I am getting back to the swing of things, I am finding my balance again, and I am waking up.

I attribute a few things to this awakening: 1) My dismissal of coffee into my day to day routine, and 2) My determination to once and for all loose some weight and maintain my fitness. I know many people may read this and think that these are just New Years resolutions that will fade in a month or so, but I am determined, and quite stubborn, and frankly I want a life change. Today has reminded me how much fun it is to have energy, pure energy that focuses not on someone else, but on myself, my work, and on making things happen. (This may start sounding selfish, but I assure you, I focus way too much on others, which is why from time to time, I need a kick in the ass to make me focus on my own life a little).

So, I hope to not only keep coffee out of my life, but also to work out on a consistent basis (it really does make you feel amazing). Then, I hope to start waking up a little earlier and doing a mini work out in the morning. I think a brisk run before my morning shower, will help to boost my energy and keep the caffine adiction at bay. Finally, charity, its going to come back into my life. In that fascet, I intend to let out my caring, motherly nature, rather than trying to giving all my care to an undeserving man. This will also help me to keep the mentality that I don't need to try to impress anyone. A strong woman is impressive simply by being herself. Thats her power, her comfortablity with her self and her drive to do more. New years resolutions or not, I hope that you all get inspired as well to keep those chins up and keep busy.

Christmas Present

One night in bed, I thought of the most outlandish present idea to propose telling India. I jokingly said to him that I wanted a baby elephant for Christmas. Of course a woman drops these kind of hints for 2 reasons:

1) So a man knows what you want
2) So a man gets what you want.

These little hints or comments are more like social experiments to see how the woman and man psyche respond to each other. In my case, the gift wasn't the point, it was the test to see if he really was going to get me that gift that was the real curiosity. So that night, I dropped my comment like a stealth bomb and waited to see if anything would come of it.

Days later, after the "This is not fair to you Talk," India decided to drop his own deadly missile in order to neutralize an argument that was building. In the heat of battle, the shadow warrior that he is says, "I got you your baby elephant." One simple sentence and I was silenced, that Bastard! It seems that men have their own tricks as well... once again, that Bastard.

Since that atomic bomb, it has taken him two weeks to give me my present. He claims he kept "forgetting" to bring it to Baltimore. Answer me this, how does someone buy a present and then repeatably forget it especially when they see the person that it is for EVERYDAY!? In my opinion, if a guy does this its because they don't care enough. Clearly this was the problem between India and I, so head the warning signs ladies, if a man gets you a present but doesn't give it to you for an extended amount of time, you should be pissed!

At this point, I am not asking for the gift, expecting to receive it anytime soon, and deciding that I hate men even more today. There is still hope for man kind in general, but not for India and possibly not for my Christmas present.