Today, I want to wrap myself in silk and rest. The week has been long and busy, but I've enjoyed every second of it. My body is simply tired today, causing my mindset to slow down as well.
I have begun talking to a teacher and biologist online. He is rather fascinating and through some scholarly discussions, I've come to realize that I don't use much of my mind in my present day to day job nor do I interact with people on an intellectual playing field similar to mine. Its refreshing to talk with him and our conversations have provoked intellectual stimulation that I haven't felt since college. My article yesterday was birthed from this inspiration.
In the love life, I am still wrestling with my patheticness. I email the Indian today just because I wanted to say hello. He didn't respond... shocker. It just makes me feel either crazy or extremely desperate. Both these qualities I do not portray on a day to day basis so I would come to believe that I am completely sane and confident. Yet in moments of weakness when I spontaneously reach out with the last clinging sense of hope that things between us will turn normal, I just feel so ashamed for even trying to mend this broken friendship. I'm not the one to give up hope, but this situation is beyond repair and not worth the emotional devastation that its causing.
On a happier not I am going back to DC tonight. :) My best friend from college is back from a world wind tour of the Middle East and the Holy Land. I am very much jealous of him but his gifted life allows me to live vicariously through him, so I am very much appreciative for that factor. And, apparently I have presents awaiting me...:):):):):):) It should be a good night.
Before I depart for Dc, I still think I'll lay my weary body down upon my silk confider and simply rest. I am in one of those moods where I realize how pathetic and desperate I've acted toward my ex India and need to let my self delve into those crevices of my mind, let it out, and then move on. The silk will be soft and comforting, so I should OK in the end.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Architectural Tangent
OK, I have to go off about this one topic because it just evokes such a strong emotion in me that I can't hold it in....
Contemporary Architecture and the use of Materiality:
As an off spring of Modernism with geometric shapes and lack of ornamentation, Contemporary Architecture pushes the modernist concepts by generating shapes from the simple square to the angular and complex through techniques such as subtraction and addition, rotation, fragmentation, and invocation of the organic by creating mutable buildings. Cool. I like it, well most of the time, but here is my beef: The use of materiality in Contemporary Architecture sometimes generates buildings that are too massive and heavy in appearance to be pleasing and welcoming to the visitor. My main materiality focus is the use of dark corrugated metals and concrete. Now these materials have been used over the ages as cheaper construction items that allow for durability and mildly appealing appearance. Typically in the industrial realm you see these materials a lot, but recently I have been seeing more and more commercial and residential applications. There is nothing wrong with these materials unless, in my opinion, they are paired in such a way that lacks other color, a balance of light and dark, and in general evokes more of an ominous feeling than an appreciation for the architectural form. For me, the use of these materials is completely justified in today's design and construction world with the fast pace low cost mind set, but I implore those using it to interject some sort of color, even if its a white, to offset the dreary heaviness that these dark corrugated metal and concrete buildings can project.
Two examples of this sort of architecture can be seen in La Brea Avenue Residence located in LA and The Radian in Philadelphia. The first is what I would deem a job well done. It is a 4-story residence that expresses the geometric techniques of the Contemporary Style while embarrassing this new usage of materials. However, the architect broke up the use of the corrugate metal and the concrete so they create a more balanced color scheme throughout the building. Also, she introduced a bright red metal at the bottom of the building to bring in color and to lift the eyes from the ground floor to the upper levels. The simple addition of color at the base of the upper levels, creates an aspect of floating the top floors even though 2/3rds of the floors are clearly rooted to the ground via concrete walls.
The Radian, on the other hand, falls short on the application of these materials. The sizable building does not incorporate the concrete as much within the upper, most visible levels which causes the eye to see nothing but dark metal. The mullions on the windows blend with the overall cladding which also is a loss of opportunity to break up the heaviness of the facades. The design of the overall building is rather intriguing but due to the heaviness of the materials wrapping it, the overall appearance comes off as gloomy rather than the inviting residence and community center it is intending to be. I do have to commend them though on the lower public levels. The first 3 levels are dedicated to restaurants and public spaces that are generated through interesting angular moves and inventive usage of concrete. There is even a lovely green roof that extends from "What's On Tap's" 2nd floor eating area into the tree tops that align the street below generating a quiet country aspect within the bustling metropolitan. But despite the good design, the material application in this building overshadows not only the surrounding blocks but your opinion on the building overall.
Therefore, my advice for using these materials is to do so carefully, considering the balance of the dark metal with the lighter concrete. Also, introducing at least one brighter color will help the eye brighten up the overall building appearance. A building that uses dark corrugated metal and concrete can be pleasing and welcoming in appearance if the balance of dark and light is reach through the introduction of brightness.
Contemporary Architecture and the use of Materiality:
As an off spring of Modernism with geometric shapes and lack of ornamentation, Contemporary Architecture pushes the modernist concepts by generating shapes from the simple square to the angular and complex through techniques such as subtraction and addition, rotation, fragmentation, and invocation of the organic by creating mutable buildings. Cool. I like it, well most of the time, but here is my beef: The use of materiality in Contemporary Architecture sometimes generates buildings that are too massive and heavy in appearance to be pleasing and welcoming to the visitor. My main materiality focus is the use of dark corrugated metals and concrete. Now these materials have been used over the ages as cheaper construction items that allow for durability and mildly appealing appearance. Typically in the industrial realm you see these materials a lot, but recently I have been seeing more and more commercial and residential applications. There is nothing wrong with these materials unless, in my opinion, they are paired in such a way that lacks other color, a balance of light and dark, and in general evokes more of an ominous feeling than an appreciation for the architectural form. For me, the use of these materials is completely justified in today's design and construction world with the fast pace low cost mind set, but I implore those using it to interject some sort of color, even if its a white, to offset the dreary heaviness that these dark corrugated metal and concrete buildings can project.
Two examples of this sort of architecture can be seen in La Brea Avenue Residence located in LA and The Radian in Philadelphia. The first is what I would deem a job well done. It is a 4-story residence that expresses the geometric techniques of the Contemporary Style while embarrassing this new usage of materials. However, the architect broke up the use of the corrugate metal and the concrete so they create a more balanced color scheme throughout the building. Also, she introduced a bright red metal at the bottom of the building to bring in color and to lift the eyes from the ground floor to the upper levels. The simple addition of color at the base of the upper levels, creates an aspect of floating the top floors even though 2/3rds of the floors are clearly rooted to the ground via concrete walls.
The Radian, on the other hand, falls short on the application of these materials. The sizable building does not incorporate the concrete as much within the upper, most visible levels which causes the eye to see nothing but dark metal. The mullions on the windows blend with the overall cladding which also is a loss of opportunity to break up the heaviness of the facades. The design of the overall building is rather intriguing but due to the heaviness of the materials wrapping it, the overall appearance comes off as gloomy rather than the inviting residence and community center it is intending to be. I do have to commend them though on the lower public levels. The first 3 levels are dedicated to restaurants and public spaces that are generated through interesting angular moves and inventive usage of concrete. There is even a lovely green roof that extends from "What's On Tap's" 2nd floor eating area into the tree tops that align the street below generating a quiet country aspect within the bustling metropolitan. But despite the good design, the material application in this building overshadows not only the surrounding blocks but your opinion on the building overall.Therefore, my advice for using these materials is to do so carefully, considering the balance of the dark metal with the lighter concrete. Also, introducing at least one brighter color will help the eye brighten up the overall building appearance. A building that uses dark corrugated metal and concrete can be pleasing and welcoming in appearance if the balance of dark and light is reach through the introduction of brightness.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Fright then Flight, not always the answer
I had something funny happen to me today that I felt I should share... I have been seeing this boy from MD for the past two or three weeks. As we've been getting to know each other, there are things about him that make me hesitant but over all I enjoy his company and spending time with him. Lately, it appears that he is becoming a little more attached then i am, so I decided to come clean and let him know about my hesitations so that we can keep things casual and not jump into the serious after a month.
All day i have been building courage to bring up the topic at our dinner date tonight. I've been going over what i am feeling, thinking of the best ways to present the topic, thinking of when or how I should bring it up, and in generally trying not to freak out. I have come to realize that my natural Fright and Flight instincts kick in whenever I have hesitations about a relationship. This method can be quite helpful when you really do feel the guy is a creep, but less effective when you actually enjoy someone and would like to simply build a friendship before committing to a serious relationship. Nonetheless, the natural instinct to RUN is a strong emotion.
So as I am building up the courage not to run, to face him and be honest and take it from there, he texts me that he has something special for me that he wants to give me before dinner. I about died with anxiety!!! I immediately needed advice in order not to completely freak out and end things via text message (something I would have been upset at myself with later)! So I contacted my roommate, my brother, and another close guy friend for an immediate advice session.
My roommate offered some good advice but I found that the boy's offered more rational and easily acceptable guidance. They said they were 90% sure that this "present" was probably just something small that shows that he cares for you and is interested and most likely shouldn't be anything to freak out about. If there was the 10% chance that it was something big, then there was nothing wrong with not accepted it. Then they said if I have hesitations, that this would be a very good time to bring them up and just be honest. Since I had already planned to bring up the conversation about slowing down, it seemed they were the added courage that I needed.
For a few moments after receiving the advice and returning to planet earth, I was completely humored by my reaction. I was so quick to get scared= Fright and even quicker to resolve the fear through ending things= Flight. It made me realize 2 things:
1) No matter how chicken I can be at times, I must be honest with a guy and give him the chance to absorb my honesty and respond for himself, even if his response is not what I want to hear. This also means that Flight is not the first answer all the time.
2) That i really have no idea what i am doing with this whole dating things at times. Its not something that upsets me, its more something that amuses me. I think we are all in this boat at times: none person doesn't know everything so there are plenty of times, especially with dating, when we are at an absolute loss for comprehension. That is why we need friends, good advice, and a minute or two to calm down a evaluate.
If you are thinking of running for a silly reason, just calm down, be honest with yourself and with the guy/girl, and get some help from a rational friend. Then you'll be fine.
All day i have been building courage to bring up the topic at our dinner date tonight. I've been going over what i am feeling, thinking of the best ways to present the topic, thinking of when or how I should bring it up, and in generally trying not to freak out. I have come to realize that my natural Fright and Flight instincts kick in whenever I have hesitations about a relationship. This method can be quite helpful when you really do feel the guy is a creep, but less effective when you actually enjoy someone and would like to simply build a friendship before committing to a serious relationship. Nonetheless, the natural instinct to RUN is a strong emotion.
So as I am building up the courage not to run, to face him and be honest and take it from there, he texts me that he has something special for me that he wants to give me before dinner. I about died with anxiety!!! I immediately needed advice in order not to completely freak out and end things via text message (something I would have been upset at myself with later)! So I contacted my roommate, my brother, and another close guy friend for an immediate advice session.
My roommate offered some good advice but I found that the boy's offered more rational and easily acceptable guidance. They said they were 90% sure that this "present" was probably just something small that shows that he cares for you and is interested and most likely shouldn't be anything to freak out about. If there was the 10% chance that it was something big, then there was nothing wrong with not accepted it. Then they said if I have hesitations, that this would be a very good time to bring them up and just be honest. Since I had already planned to bring up the conversation about slowing down, it seemed they were the added courage that I needed.
For a few moments after receiving the advice and returning to planet earth, I was completely humored by my reaction. I was so quick to get scared= Fright and even quicker to resolve the fear through ending things= Flight. It made me realize 2 things:
1) No matter how chicken I can be at times, I must be honest with a guy and give him the chance to absorb my honesty and respond for himself, even if his response is not what I want to hear. This also means that Flight is not the first answer all the time.
2) That i really have no idea what i am doing with this whole dating things at times. Its not something that upsets me, its more something that amuses me. I think we are all in this boat at times: none person doesn't know everything so there are plenty of times, especially with dating, when we are at an absolute loss for comprehension. That is why we need friends, good advice, and a minute or two to calm down a evaluate.
If you are thinking of running for a silly reason, just calm down, be honest with yourself and with the guy/girl, and get some help from a rational friend. Then you'll be fine.
Failed morning commute
I strategically position myself within a city so that I do not have to rely on my vehicle. This means from time to time, when my legs are weary, I will rely on public transportation. Today was one of those mornings that I choe the bus rather than busting my ass.
I walked out of my door with the decision made having made the decision to use public transportation and headed towards the bust stop. Observeing the clouds around me and remembering the forcast called for thunderstorms, I felt it neccessary to stop at my car on the way to the stop and grab an umbrella. I glanced the stop to see a young girl waiting there as I dashed to the car. With 10 minutes of time before the bus was expected to come, I felt my speed was needed but not rreqiured. As I turned the corner umbrella in hand, the girl had disappeared. Confused, I looked up the street to see the Circulator glinting upon the horizon. Anger fell over me. Checking my watch I decided that it was safe to wait the ten more minutes until the next one came.
As I stood there reading my book, I watched for the road, felt the moisture in the air and agreed that despite my anger at the bus, it was better to be angry then drenched in sweat when I got to work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Periodically checking the clock and wondering why the bus had still not gotten there. And then finally after 25 mintues of waiting, when it should have been 10, the bus glides up as if nothing was wrong. The time I spent waiting was the same amount of time that it would have taken me to walk to work this morning. This fact casued the blood to reach boiling point.
While we traveled along, the bus driver seemed to have no care in the world that the good people on his bus were trying to get to work. There was absolutely no hurry in his driving, no speediness to even go when the light turned green. He simply drove as if this was a casual day with no care in the world. Perhaps I would have appreciated this mentality much more if he didn't already make me late to work.
Finally I alighted from the bus at my stop and rushed my tired legs into the building to where I sit now writing this entry. Deep breathe, release, move on...
I feel better now.
I walked out of my door with the decision made having made the decision to use public transportation and headed towards the bust stop. Observeing the clouds around me and remembering the forcast called for thunderstorms, I felt it neccessary to stop at my car on the way to the stop and grab an umbrella. I glanced the stop to see a young girl waiting there as I dashed to the car. With 10 minutes of time before the bus was expected to come, I felt my speed was needed but not rreqiured. As I turned the corner umbrella in hand, the girl had disappeared. Confused, I looked up the street to see the Circulator glinting upon the horizon. Anger fell over me. Checking my watch I decided that it was safe to wait the ten more minutes until the next one came.
As I stood there reading my book, I watched for the road, felt the moisture in the air and agreed that despite my anger at the bus, it was better to be angry then drenched in sweat when I got to work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Periodically checking the clock and wondering why the bus had still not gotten there. And then finally after 25 mintues of waiting, when it should have been 10, the bus glides up as if nothing was wrong. The time I spent waiting was the same amount of time that it would have taken me to walk to work this morning. This fact casued the blood to reach boiling point.
While we traveled along, the bus driver seemed to have no care in the world that the good people on his bus were trying to get to work. There was absolutely no hurry in his driving, no speediness to even go when the light turned green. He simply drove as if this was a casual day with no care in the world. Perhaps I would have appreciated this mentality much more if he didn't already make me late to work.
Finally I alighted from the bus at my stop and rushed my tired legs into the building to where I sit now writing this entry. Deep breathe, release, move on...
I feel better now.
Friday, July 30, 2010
House Guest Fiesta
For the past week, I have been able to host my first house guest with my roommie L-dog. We have enjoyed his company immensely and he's even helped hang some larger paintings. From time to time, it is nice to have a capable man around to help out with these things.
Last night, as a thank you, our House Guest cooked us dinner. It was a delicious well rounded meal with wine to boot. We ate drank and were merry for the rest of the evening occasionally hanging some photos or paintings, cleaning up, and doing small chores together. As the discussion progressed, we got into love lives. I made a stunning revelation last night that I am currently chatting it up with all but 6 gentlemen at the moment! Since when was my luck this good!? Thanks to Plentyoffish.com (a free online dating site) and the traditional human interaction, I have been able to mingle with a good amount of gents. Currently, 2 are old college friends that have always been interested and I've finally decided to give them a little more attention, 2 are MD guys that are fun and enjoyable but may not be my style in the long run, 1 is someone I could see myself with in the long run but in the here and now, he may not have enough time for me since his job is demanding, and 1 is just someone I would like to be friends with because his personality is so outgoing. It seems like a good mix!
To be honest, I am thrilled. I am finally getting used to the single life and embracing it more and more. Sure I miss India from time to time and sure I miss the comfortable feelings my Ex and I had, but they didn't work out for a reason and there is no reason why I shouldn't be going out meeting people, enjoying dates, and generally being desired :) The idea tickles me pink!
So if you are single, sitting around at home and deeply desiring a date night, hop online, just go to a bar, see a movie on your own and see if some cutie notices. Just be confident with yourself and you will catch the eyes of a beholder.
Last night, as a thank you, our House Guest cooked us dinner. It was a delicious well rounded meal with wine to boot. We ate drank and were merry for the rest of the evening occasionally hanging some photos or paintings, cleaning up, and doing small chores together. As the discussion progressed, we got into love lives. I made a stunning revelation last night that I am currently chatting it up with all but 6 gentlemen at the moment! Since when was my luck this good!? Thanks to Plentyoffish.com (a free online dating site) and the traditional human interaction, I have been able to mingle with a good amount of gents. Currently, 2 are old college friends that have always been interested and I've finally decided to give them a little more attention, 2 are MD guys that are fun and enjoyable but may not be my style in the long run, 1 is someone I could see myself with in the long run but in the here and now, he may not have enough time for me since his job is demanding, and 1 is just someone I would like to be friends with because his personality is so outgoing. It seems like a good mix!
To be honest, I am thrilled. I am finally getting used to the single life and embracing it more and more. Sure I miss India from time to time and sure I miss the comfortable feelings my Ex and I had, but they didn't work out for a reason and there is no reason why I shouldn't be going out meeting people, enjoying dates, and generally being desired :) The idea tickles me pink!
So if you are single, sitting around at home and deeply desiring a date night, hop online, just go to a bar, see a movie on your own and see if some cutie notices. Just be confident with yourself and you will catch the eyes of a beholder.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
A Restless Night's sleep
Man, I normally am the heaviest sleeper but last night I awoke every two hours. I don't know why... Maybe I was hot, maybe i ate too much, maybe I was thinking of India, maybe all of the above. But something in my subconscious kept me turning....
Today, I am working on being productive and efficient. I am in a new rotation in my job that has absolutely no interest to me. Motivation in this situation is hard to muster, but I am going to try to turn the leaf and be a studious employee once again.
As far as the dating scene, I am starting to book dates for the next two weeks! Its exciting, but slightly overwhelming as well. I have met a guy from MD who've I've gone out several times with already. He is really sweet and makes me laugh and I simply feel comfortable around him. The only thing is he comes with a lot of baggage. His family seems to have many little issues, he seems to have a lot of responsibility on his shoulders from the family, and he has a baby daughter... Its one of those cases that he seems to be really getting his life in order now but that his past is still something that effects the present. I like him, but I do not know if I want to take on everything that would come with the package...
I hope that today is a good one. I have good feeling towards it and hopefully, the evening will bring a better night's sleep.
Today, I am working on being productive and efficient. I am in a new rotation in my job that has absolutely no interest to me. Motivation in this situation is hard to muster, but I am going to try to turn the leaf and be a studious employee once again.
As far as the dating scene, I am starting to book dates for the next two weeks! Its exciting, but slightly overwhelming as well. I have met a guy from MD who've I've gone out several times with already. He is really sweet and makes me laugh and I simply feel comfortable around him. The only thing is he comes with a lot of baggage. His family seems to have many little issues, he seems to have a lot of responsibility on his shoulders from the family, and he has a baby daughter... Its one of those cases that he seems to be really getting his life in order now but that his past is still something that effects the present. I like him, but I do not know if I want to take on everything that would come with the package...
I hope that today is a good one. I have good feeling towards it and hopefully, the evening will bring a better night's sleep.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Pathetic - 5 dictionary results
pa·thet·ic
–adjective
1.causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc.; pitiful; pitiable: a pathetic letter; a pathetic sight.
4.miserably or contemptibly inadequate: In return for our investment we get a pathetic three percent interest.
For the past year, India has been dominating my life, my emotions, and my thoughts, causing me to become more and more pathetic. When I choose to do something that causes me to think in the back of my mind, "You are being so pathetic right now," I embody the definition of the word. And yet, time and time again, I chose him, I followed him, I fought for him, with NO sustaining reward. Every time, I would hold my breath when I got text messages hoping it was from him; I would look for him on gchat even after he blocked me; I would check his facebook and want to comment on a photo or status but hold back knowing that it would upset him in someway... Essentially, I walked on egg shells, praying not to let them crack and wake the sleeping beast that is India's emotional response system. And yet, he would continue to tell me pretty lies, touch me a certain way, look at me with the passion of a lover, or kiss me tenderly, and I bought it= PATHETIC.
For months, I fought amongst my internal selves telling myself, "Just walk away," "Maybe today he'll answer," "He just uses you for his owe needs, cut him off," "He stared me in the eyes today and gave me a huge hug hello..." Anytime I muster the strength to end things, he would let me go for a day or two then do something to get me back. And vice verse, I made it extremely hard for him to leave me as well= PATHETIC.
But its been one month now since we were last together, and several months since he started to pull away. He's been emotionally checked out of this relationship for 6 months now. I may have been pathetic, but I'm not an idiot... He told me one night several months ago that this [relationship] was not fair to me and that the best thing for me was to walk away. It was hard for him to say, I could tell, and the months after that I could see that he fought with himself too. I saw him last week and as he walked away he said good bye and held eye contact with me until he had to turn the corner and his view was cut off. So why won't he be with me if its obvious that he has some sort of feelings for me? He does it to spare us both a greater pain... We come from different backgrounds, different religions, and different mind sets. Sure we could have let ourselves fall in love, but then what... Convincing our families would have been extremely hard, introducing each other to our friends would have been a challenge, learning to respect our differences and partake in our varying cultural diversities would have been laborious, but it would have been possible with love. And this is where we vary the most: I choose the road less traveled, if I love someone, I know no bounds, but India chooses the road well traveled, the road pleasing to those around him and that is easy to maneuver. I don't doubt that he is a deep lover, he has shown me that despite his cruelty, he does care deeply for me, but its not enough for him to choose the harder path. I may never accept this, I may always fight against it, and I may always try to convince him otherwise, but for now, I have decided to stop.
The stronger side of me is winning today and its deciding to stop being PATHETIC. I may be stubborn, a fighter, emotional, and rash at times, but I will be damned if I am going to be pathetic for any longer. My last two relationships have brought this horribly shameful side out of me. Perhaps its youth and inexperience that has caused my compromising manor, but forget that! Today, I FINALLY removed India from facebook, taken his number out of my phone, deleted all his old messages, and erased his number from where it was written in my address booklet. Today, I am a strong, happy woman, finally accepting that the Italian-India sage is over and that I can move on and remain a strong, happy woman.
I look at my own story and see the patheticness in it. I knew even while it was happening that "this is just not right." To anyone out there that is stuck in a relationship that makes them feel less than what they are worth, get out! You can. You do not owe a man/woman anything, but you owe yourself everything. You owe yourself respect, strength, power over your emotions and your heart. You owe yourself the ability to look in the mirror and see a beautiful strong woman/man who is not pathetic, who does not let someone use them, and who does not compromise their values, beliefs, or feelings. Stand up for yourself and walk away. And, though it has taken me a long time to realize, the best way to do this is by cutting all contact with the person. Men have grasped this concept very well, its time woman understand that its OK to just let someone go. Cutting the strings is more relieving than holding on to the tiniest thread. I will say, I feel relieved today to know that I am my owe woman and that India is a pleasant memory that I have learned from and that I can look back on and smile saying, "When it was good it was a really nice relationship, when it was bad it was horrible and painful... Thank God I'm not that person anymore."
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