First thing to go

Why is it when life gets tough for a guy, the woman he is seeing is the first thing to go? I have seen this trend occur several times. My good friend's man strung her along for a year giving her hope that an official title would one day sprout up from their "dating" relationship to only turn around and tell her that he had too much stress from his baby's momma, custody battles, work, and whatever else he got himself into, to be with her further. Its always the same bull, "I really care about you, I just can't handle all this right now and I need some time." Some time! What the fuck do you need time for!? Time to stop being lazy, time to get your act together, time to put up or shut up? Its true when they say women can multitask, where as men struggle with the shear feat of tying their shoes while watching TV. But don't they understand that when a man needs some time, a woman hears, "My life is too stressful right now and you are not that important to me to keep you in it, so give me some space and wait for me to come back."

If I am coming off a bit bitter about this topic, its because I am. Bitter and heartbroken may be a better way of putting it. I've experienced the "Time Talk" with two different guys who to this date have played an important role in my life. If you read my blog, you may have guessed who: The Ex and India. With The Ex, it was always, "I'm too stressed with school, I have too much work"... Wah Wah Wah. I had just as much work and school as he did and I never tried cutting him out of my life. But then his father got dealt a rough hand. On a routine visit to the doctors, they noticed something funny with his prostate. Being an older gentleman, this was a common enlargement of the prostate, but tests for cancer and other such diseases needed to be taken in order to rule out any more serious illnesses. The Ex was a mess. I tried to be there for him, give him his space, and show support. The more or less I did really didn't matter though. The second this scenario started, he started withdrawing into himself. Of course this led to me being neglected, eventually hurt, and many arguments that were me saying, "Let me help," and him saying, "You can't!" This misfortune was the begining of the end for my Ex and I. It seemed that with some people, once they begin to shut down, its hard to get them back up and running. His father was cancer free and after a routine surgery was fine. Broken heart number 1, however, is still trying to heal.

The second time the "Time Talk" has seriously effected me was just last night. While lying in bed after seeing a movie and spending sometime together, India, the guy I have been "casually" seeing here and there out of no where says, "This is not fair to you." After a deep breath and a moment to calm to knot in my chest, I said, "What is not fair?" He then proceeded to tell me that due to one of his friend's conditions in the hospital, he would be talking to her every day, seeing her often, and would do anything she needed of him, and felt that it was not fair to me. His solution, "Give me some time." Before I continue with my reaction, let me back up and tell you the situation. Last week, India found out that the girl that he dated in between the first time him and I dated and now was admitting into the hospital in order to be tested for Leukemia. When he told me, I instantly raced through my mind to make sure that I had never wished bad upon this poor girl, luckily enough, my conscience was clear and still is. The knot in my chest, however, began to form that day. Although he stopped dating that girl and began dating me again, how was I to know his feelings for her and such a tragedy would bring any type of feelings out of a person. I knew that there was an emotional battle to come in his world and I just prayed that he and I would get through it. I told him that night to go visit her in the hospital, bring her flowers, spend some time there, and I prayed for them both. This was Thursday night.

Last night, after explaining to me that he didn't think we should see each other any more, he held me. He wouldn't say one bad thing even after I ranted slightly about the injustice of me having to loose him and how I wanted to be there to support him. And it was in silence, his pained face, and his tightening embrace that I could tell he didn't really want to let me go, but, at the same time, he was asking me to let him go...Any woman that has cared for someone can tell you, it is the hardest thing to be the one to walk out that door when neither one of you want it.

Men, more often than not, want to handle their problems on their own. They internalize so much, that it is hard to see what they are really going through when such a crisis occurs. In both situations, I tried the be the stronger woman behind the strong man, but in both the men have crumbled internally and instead of letting in the least bit of help, simply have cut me out. With India, I feel as though I was being selfish last night by trying to reason with him as to why we should not stop seeing each other. He said today that he didn't want to bring me into all of this sadness and that he didn't want me to have to be with him when he was sad or moody. "Its for you own benefit, trust me," he said. But then why don't I feel benefited? Its a terrible thing, cancer. It effects so many and I am not someone who thinks I have the right to stand in the way of someone's feelings when faced with something so horrible. Despite the fact that I told him to have his time, be with his friend, and take care of himself, I just can't seem to shake the fact that I was still the first thing to go.