Twilight inspiration????

So I'm reading the Twilight series, which is completely a guilty pleasure and embarrassing fact to admit, however, it seems that I relate more closely to it then I ever imagined. In the book series, the main character, Bella, falls widely in love with Edward, her perfect vampire man. She is then left by him "for her better good" and ends up falling in love with her good friend Jacob. In the book, however, she describes how the sort of love is very different and only a fraction of what she felt for Edward. This is the part that I'm contimplating deeply: the differnt kinds of love.

Wild love: When I was with my Ex, I loved him widly. It was that kind of reckless love that didn't care about anyone or anything as long as we were together. We were spontaneous, illogical, and exhileratingly free of care or responsibility.... but this sort of passion was alway so emotional, unstable, and it cause me to loose a lot of respect for myself, my world, and those around me including my Ex. The wild love made us selfish and blinded, almost like a drug that was hard to kick.... The idea of freedom, that "if he was doing it, why can't I do it" mentality filled our love with feelings of competition, explosive behaviors, and eventually dislike. After that love rollercoaster, I closed that deep part, that wild part inside of me up, almost to a point where I am scared to ever release it again, yet I wish almost everyday that I could feel the exhileration and connection once more.

Logical Love: When I fell for India it was more rational. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into the entire time. It was a sort of fatal attraction that grew and grew and we simply indulged in it. We both had been hurt in the past and expressed that that was the last thing we wanted to do to each other but in the end that was exactly what happened. We were both so closed off to "real love" that we cared for each other in different ways and mostly in physically or on a surface manor. Whenever we truely let our hearts into it, we quickly realized that we should let the other go and spare them from the tragedy of knowing we couldn't be together, from the pain of falling for each other and knowing it must end. We spoke about it often and we did internally battle ourselves to continue or not. Thats why we were on and off so much, because our hearts were yelling at us to stop before we got too hurt. When we finally listened, it was too late, he had already infiltrated me and I'm sure I him. Now we are left with a wide gaping hole, the same one that Bella describes in the books, the kind that aches at the thought of each other, the same one that reacts upon hearing his name. It wasn't the wild love that opened and closed a wound rapidly, it was the kind that made me think of marriage and of possibilities, it was the kind that made me rational choose that I wanted him and that I would fight for him. But it was also the kind that knew that this was all I was ever going to get and that fighting wasn't even an option. I may have chose him, but I didn't get to pass go or collect my $200, the game stopped right where it started and I knew that despite my feelings.

Scared Love: Now I am seeing a new guy (MD) who that treats me like I always dreamed of being treated. One that brings me flowers, goes shopping with me, invites me to meet his family, cleans afer I cook, and even better cooks for me! He is the sort of man I always thought was in the world but had not yet experienced. The kind I feared didn't exist anymore. I'm so happy that he does and being with him makes me happy. Its stragne because its the kind of happy that just is there, not the kind that explodes out of you but the knid that when you stop to take note is just there beaming. But I am scared of the fact that it all just seems so natural, that it all seems good, like some kind of evil twist will one day happen like it had in the past relationships and everything will go to hell again. Its a scared love that keeps me reserved towards him though I am truely enjoying being with him.

These three types of love that I have experienced seem to pull me back to something Bella points out in the story: that if you open myself up to the idea of love again, it will be a different kind of love. Each time the intensity of love seems to weaken or change. This is my worry, why would such an indescribable force weaken or change? Perhaps its just new realtionships and you walls are all still up and maybe even new walls have gone up which explains the "weakened" observation, but in the book she describes her love for Jacob never being that of her love for Edward. I feel the same: my love for my Ex was far different from my love from India, yet the pain of the loss was similar. If i fall for MD, I'm sure that the love may be different too.... so I guess I am asking myself what sort of love do I want? The wild illogical kind, the far too logical but deeply understanding and passionate kind, or a new sort one that scares me a little because it seems right? Which will I choose and is there even a way to experience the same love twice? I am starting to think there isn't and maybe thats a very good thing.

A funny lil Rebelion

Sometimes I just feel so rebellious. Why should we do that which we are told. Music normally invokes this streak of adrenaline, music and boredom with work. :) So now I want to go out and wreak havoc. I never really do, but I always get that urge to, its just a desire to exhaust the energy that gets pent up during the day. This is why I chose a profession that will keep me on my toes. Despite working in my field, this government work sure as hell is boring. I'll have to make a change as soon as the opportune moment comes along.

Other than a sudden spire of cynical energy things are going great. I am dating a guy from MD who I just have fun with. So far I'm keeping it crazy casual since I simply can't handle any things that whispers thee word commitment, but we are practically dating and its nice. He respects me, actually respects me and that's refreshing.

I'll have to find something to do tonight...

Just because

Tonight I wish I was a Bengal Tiger hiding in the high grasses spying on my lover. His stripes would be gleaming in the light, his muscles peaked, he eyes intent. What I'd give to pounce out and wrestle amongst the sun lit ground with him...

On my way home tonight, I hope that I get into large amounts of mayhem. I want to explore. Try something different and hey, maybe something fun will come from it.

My heighten anticipation this week has made we feel nauseous, nervous, happy, excited, sad and melancholy. I MAY be seeing India for the first time in two months, I may get to look upon his rippling body again, look into his intent eyes, feel the tension between us again, speak to him once more! He MAY be reentering my realm of life this upcoming Monday due to work or he may not.... its a 50/50 draw. I 100% know why I can't be with him but it doesn't ever seem to stop me from wanting to be with him. What I'd give to just be held in his arms again and smell his skin.

So mayhem come! Distract me from thoughts of the potential future and day dreams of that which can not be.

Freaking out, once again

For the past month I have been dating this guy from MD. He's been a lot of fun, caring, generous, and all around extremely mindful and respectful of me. The problem lies with the situations surrounding his life. In his earlier years, circa a year and a half ago, he was involved in heavier drugs, a sex driven lifestyle, and all in all party atmosphere. This lifestyle resulted in a baby, his beautifully little girl, who turned his life around. Since the arrival of his daughter, he has been really cleaning himself up, working hard, rearranging his goals to be a good father and provider and simply being responsible. Enters, me... I just happen to stumble upon this guy, go on a date and enjoy him enough to give him a second. Next thing I know we are hanging out, he's cooking me dinner, I'm cooking him dinner, and we are rolling right along into relationville... Can I stop the train, please!?

Thing is I like MD guy. We have fun, he's kind, I enjoy having a companion. However, I am not anywhere ready to roll on into relationville nor am I ready to roll into it with someone who's past I am really uncomfortable with and who's present involves a child who I will essential be involved with, effect, and get attached to. These realizations have led me to decide upon "the break up time," (which essentially leads to me freaking out).

Whenever the break up time arrives, I become horribly indecisive. I know what I like and dislike, what I want and don't want, yet I let compassion get in the way of my tiny bit of selfishness. I hate breaking up with people because I am way too nice for my own good and a lot of time I just hate telling them the hard honest facts. In this case, it is mainly me not being ready to settle down with a guy who clearly is starting to in order to provide for his child, but also its partially him. I don't like a lot of things about his past, present, and future lifestyle and I don't think that those things are meant for my lifestyle. My head tells me this is entirely rational and justified that it is better to end things now before we both get hurt. My bleeding heart on the other hand, brings up indecision and too much compassion for its own good along with some fantasy that things will just work them selves out. This is a lie, this don't work themselves out, you have to make a decision which is a catalyst for an action which then works a situation out. I am 85% my decision has been made.

Deep breath... sometimes in this life we have to do what we know is right but that which is hard. I am strong, he'll be ok, we'll both move on to live happy lives. End Story.

Oddly Expectant

This mornings commute was different. You know the feeling when your routine changes itself and you realize something new is happening? Today, my usual sparsely filled bus was packed; the rodes were lighter; the people i encountered on the ride were younger and attractive; and the walk into work had a lighter air. Perhaps it is me that is different or perhaps it is the atmosphere that has changed. Overall the feel of this mornings variation has left me with an oddly expectant feeling. It is as the cosmos is subtly preparing you for something big that's coming. I can't help but laugh at the thought that I am living a scene from the Matrix at the moment. Picture Neo realizing that something in the Matrix has been changed and is warning him of some impending doom. I don't feel doom is the what I am awaiting, nonetheless, I may be a bit on guard today and my suspicions will keep me alert for my enemy agents. The anticipation is exciting.

Silken Dreams

Today, I want to wrap myself in silk and rest. The week has been long and busy, but I've enjoyed every second of it. My body is simply tired today, causing my mindset to slow down as well.

I have begun talking to a teacher and biologist online. He is rather fascinating and through some scholarly discussions, I've come to realize that I don't use much of my mind in my present day to day job nor do I interact with people on an intellectual playing field similar to mine. Its refreshing to talk with him and our conversations have provoked intellectual stimulation that I haven't felt since college. My article yesterday was birthed from this inspiration.

In the love life, I am still wrestling with my patheticness. I email the Indian today just because I wanted to say hello. He didn't respond... shocker. It just makes me feel either crazy or extremely desperate. Both these qualities I do not portray on a day to day basis so I would come to believe that I am completely sane and confident. Yet in moments of weakness when I spontaneously reach out with the last clinging sense of hope that things between us will turn normal, I just feel so ashamed for even trying to mend this broken friendship. I'm not the one to give up hope, but this situation is beyond repair and not worth the emotional devastation that its causing.

On a happier not I am going back to DC tonight. :) My best friend from college is back from a world wind tour of the Middle East and the Holy Land. I am very much jealous of him but his gifted life allows me to live vicariously through him, so I am very much appreciative for that factor. And, apparently I have presents awaiting me...:):):):):):) It should be a good night.

Before I depart for Dc, I still think I'll lay my weary body down upon my silk confider and simply rest. I am in one of those moods where I realize how pathetic and desperate I've acted toward my ex India and need to let my self delve into those crevices of my mind, let it out, and then move on. The silk will be soft and comforting, so I should OK in the end.

Architectural Tangent

OK, I have to go off about this one topic because it just evokes such a strong emotion in me that I can't hold it in....

Contemporary Architecture and the use of Materiality:

As an off spring of Modernism with geometric shapes and lack of ornamentation, Contemporary Architecture pushes the modernist concepts by generating shapes from the simple square to the angular and complex through techniques such as subtraction and addition, rotation, fragmentation, and invocation of the organic by creating mutable buildings. Cool. I like it, well most of the time, but here is my beef: The use of materiality in Contemporary Architecture sometimes generates buildings that are too massive and heavy in appearance to be pleasing and welcoming to the visitor. My main materiality focus is the use of dark corrugated metals and concrete. Now these materials have been used over the ages as cheaper construction items that allow for durability and mildly appealing appearance. Typically in the industrial realm you see these materials a lot, but recently I have been seeing more and more commercial and residential applications. There is nothing wrong with these materials unless, in my opinion, they are paired in such a way that lacks other color, a balance of light and dark, and in general evokes more of an ominous feeling than an appreciation for the architectural form. For me, the use of these materials is completely justified in today's design and construction world with the fast pace low cost mind set, but I implore those using it to interject some sort of color, even if its a white, to offset the dreary heaviness that these dark corrugated metal and concrete buildings can project.

Two examples of this sort of architecture can be seen in La Brea Avenue Residence located in LA and The Radian in Philadelphia. The first is what I would deem a job well done. It is a 4-story residence that expresses the geometric techniques of the Contemporary Style while embarrassing this new usage of materials. However, the architect broke up the use of the corrugate metal and the concrete so they create a more balanced color scheme throughout the building. Also, she introduced a bright red metal at the bottom of the building to bring in color and to lift the eyes from the ground floor to the upper levels. The simple addition of color at the base of the upper levels, creates an aspect of floating the top floors even though 2/3rds of the floors are clearly rooted to the ground via concrete walls.

The Radian, on the other hand, falls short on the application of these materials. The sizable building does not incorporate the concrete as much within the upper, most visible levels which causes the eye to see nothing but dark metal. The mullions on the windows blend with the overall cladding which also is a loss of opportunity to break up the heaviness of the facades. The design of the overall building is rather intriguing but due to the heaviness of the materials wrapping it, the overall appearance comes off as gloomy rather than the inviting residence and community center it is intending to be. I do have to commend them though on the lower public levels. The first 3 levels are dedicated to restaurants and public spaces that are generated through interesting angular moves and inventive usage of concrete. There is even a lovely green roof that extends from "What's On Tap's" 2nd floor eating area into the tree tops that align the street below generating a quiet country aspect within the bustling metropolitan. But despite the good design, the material application in this building overshadows not only the surrounding blocks but your opinion on the building overall.

Therefore, my advice for using these materials is to do so carefully, considering the balance of the dark metal with the lighter concrete. Also, introducing at least one brighter color will help the eye brighten up the overall building appearance. A building that uses dark corrugated metal and concrete can be pleasing and welcoming in appearance if the balance of dark and light is reach through the introduction of brightness.