Love vs. a Lover

Despite my many attempts to leave India, his magnetic pull seems to constantly pull me back in. Apparently, I have the same effect on him as well. But now, just when we seem to be able to have an understanding of how much we talk, when we see each other, and in what capacity- as lovers nothing more- everything seems to change again. The last time we were together, we made love, not just a shear romp or fantacy fulfillment, actual love making. It was the first time in 10 months. Where did it come from? This event came on the same day that I needed to tell him that I may not be able to see him in this capacity any more, that I have found someone new who actaully likes me and wants to be with me and that I am trying to decide whether to pursue it or not. He's always surprises me when I least expect it, that bastard. This is probably one reason why I love him.

Our relationship makes no sense. It is a series of internal battles on either side of the field. Occassionally, these internal struggles are taken out on each other, but for that most part we are doing it to ourselves. He believed we can never be together do to our difference in race and religion. Valid points, absolutely. Yet the polar ends still attract and pull us together time and time again.

On the verge now of a new relationship with someone who will outwardly and with out restraint just love me, it is time for me to put my interactions with Inida on hold. I say on hold because I can ultimately see us finding each other again one day in our lives. Him in and of himself is my tangible idea of man. When I look at him, he is my David, my statue of manhood. I don't think I'll ever find another one like him... but maybe. Nonetheless, I know I need more than a statue, more than a tangible fantacy, more than a lover. I need someone who can love me and I know in this juncture of my life, that person is not India. Its bitter sweet but an experience I wouldn't change for the world.

Sometimes, ladies and gents, we need pure love not just a lover.

The advantages of online dating

So the last two months have been entirely too crazy... First, my car broke down and has been in and out of the shop for about a month. My father worried for a few moments that I was dating a tow-truck drivier due to my sudden need for a tow truck every other day... This is not the case. Then, my job had relocated me back to the DC area which meant a fury of packing, unpacking, schedule changing, and overall rearrangement of my life. And finally, I have been chatting it up and dating it up with multiple men within the Baltimore/DC area...

Men are quite funny now a days. It seems no matter how you play it, they are ridiculously lazy when it comes to realtionships... I joined a free online dating website called, "Plentyoffish.com." The point behind this venture was to simply expose myself to men of varying professions, races, ages, ect, and to open up my mind when it comes to intermingle with men I've just met... Let's face it, while growing up you typically meet men in school settings, through friends, or through extra curicular events... Seldom do you find the man of your dreams at a bar and a relationship of worth actually unfolds. In today's society, 1 out of 5 relationships are begun through an internet dating site. I find this to be a outcry to our society's declining ability to socially interact, but nonetheless, it gave me a bit of motivation to check it all out. So far I have talked to several different types of men on the site. Some are kind and sweet, smolderingly sexy, boy next door handsome, and not in a millions years type guys.... It is not that surprising that most of the kind/sweet guys are momma's boys or far to mushy for me and that the smolderingly sexy kind seem to be more interested in sex then actually conversating! It's the boy next door handsome category that I have been dabling in and have been having some fun. It is interesting to see that guys are very hit or miss. Some are engaging and inquisitive, others give you two word answers... not the way to a woman's heart fellas! But for the most part finding a message from a new cutie, or even a lack there of looks, is a nice compliment to your day.

Men are simple scared now a days to approach woman, especially attractive strong minded ones. I think that these types of sites sometimes help the man learn to interact with the opposite sex more so than the female. If you are interested in getting a little bit more exposure to the dating world, I'd recomend this site. The first week or so may feel a bit uncomfortable and you may not get those types of guys your are looking for right away, but keep in mind, if you can't find a lover out of the ordeal, maybe you'll be able to find a few interesting gents to go to dinner or a movie with. Taking that first leap into something new is always the hardest part, but sticking with it makes the difference... Good luck dating!

2 is not better than 1

I have come to find the God has a funny sense of humor and that I am stubborn beyond belief. That saying "Trouble runs in pairs," is completely accurate. It seems that whenever I decide to talk to either The Ex or India, the other one some how pops back into my life. I am no longer interested in either of them in the sense of emotional relationship connections, but for some reason I still chat with them from time to time. This seems to keep holding me back from other opportunities, which I no longer want to allow.

A while back I visited a good friend who I have been interested in for several years and vice verse. Due to my "relationship" with India, I refused to even kiss this cutie. We live very far apart and that one night was the first time I saw him in 2 years and probably in another 2, one opportunity lost....

Now I find that my "trouble pair" is striking again.... There has been this guy in my life for a while now that I am discovering holds the essence of a real man. He is tall, good looking, fun loving, kind, inviting, Irish, and Catholic!!!! This is like the guy I want, but never seem to be able to find. And there he is, hanging out in my life, and I have been too blind to realize. Well, I've finally realized that unless I end the relationships and occasional smooch fests with the other two, this one great man will not be allowed into my life in the way that I think he's meant to be there. Sometimes there are things you can just feel, and in this situation, I feel like I need to stop being an idiot and start being a woman. Even talking to the exes is silly and not worth it, especially if it will keep me away from finding Mr. Right.

So ladies and gents, if there is someone who just happens to be hanging out in your life, start living to be with them. Start making your self worthy of their love, because they most likely are willing to give it to you. Sometimes you can help shape those opportune moments in life by simply wising up to that which is around you.

Quote of the Day

"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles, and kindnesses, and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."


Humphrey Davy

Simply Enjoying Life

So I haven't written in a little while and a few noteworthy things have happened in the past week or so.... I went to confession for the first time in about a year. Spoiler alert: I'm a Catholic! Despite its rewarding nature, the Act of Reconciliation is one of the most daunting tasks in the Catholic faith. Not only does it make you stand up and admit your less than admirable moments, but it also gives you plenty of time to reflect on all the bad you have been up to, followed with a pleasant side dish of guilt. Although many people would run from this Act as if it were the plague, facing it sometimes is the best thing for you. I am all about self evaluation, its the only way we really keep our selves in check and also the only way we stay sain and down to earth. The reflection that is generated by preparing for the act is one of the rare times that you can calm your mind and focus on the things you have been doing in your life. Humbling is simply the word for it and that is the entire point of this sacrament. And to be honest, the priests are never really that bad. Any Catholic or Christian knows the priest aren't going to give you a gold star for your sins, but they also arent going to chastize you too badly. I find that I am the harder judger than they are and once again the point of the Act is made: to be aware of your own faults and want to change them.

So on the dawn of this new day, I urge you to go out and simply enjoy your life. Every once and a while do a self check to bring your focus back into perspective. For those religios out there, get to Confession or simply to church, you will find that a moment or two of prayer will help calm those anxieties and stresses in your life. Striving to be a better person takes time, but its a daily effort to change that gets you on your way.

Walk Away Point

Knowing your walk away point can be a vital ascpect in any type of relationship. Knowing the least that you and willing to accept and deciding that you will not tolerate any less, without exceptions, can save you from many heartbreaks, miss compromised situations, and unsatisfying outcomes. Walking away is not you quitting, its you gaining control over the situation and over your decisions and leaving a bad or unsatisfying situation behind. Walking away is walking to a bigger and better future.

I've hit that point many times within the last four years. Sometimes I held firm and would not accept any less, other times I have let my "limit" be blurred or manuevored into another outlook, but ultimately one that I didn't want. I have let myself be weak minded at times and that is not acceptable for anyone. Moving out of my family home, going to college, entering a life that was completely different from that which I knew changed my perspective on things. No longer did I have a guiding force, no longer did I have the strong minds of my parents filling me with confidence, motivation, life lessons, and love. This was the time everyone come to in their lives, when you are asked to stand on your own two feet. I have been and its turned out so-so. Like any human being, I forget at times the values, the traditions, the firmness which resides in me, but no more. I know who I am, what I believe and what I will and will not tolerate and I will make every means neccessary not to forget or let these things slip. I now know what my walk away point is and you can watch me leave if you can't handle it.

Habits are hard to kick!

If there is one thing I am, its constant. This characteristic is a strange one because it is comprised of several others: stubbornness, strong will, determination, a blind ignorance at times, and a hint of patients. Like any characteristic, it can be good at times or bad... right now, its a habit that is a hard one to kick...

I woke up this morning completely scatter brained. Side Note: This phrase is funny to me because people miss use it all the time. If you have a lot to do but try to work through it in some sort of methodological way, that's not scatter brained, that's just busy. But when you wake up and can't focus your mind on one single thing and decide on just a simple "what do I do next," now that is scatter brained and the description of my psychy this morning. My reasoning for why I woke up in such a mentally haphazard way is that I got used to talking to India. If it was sending a text "good morning," or seeing him on gchat at some point and exchanging words, or even a face to face encounter... I simply got used to him being some way, shape, or form in my communication stream. Perhaps at this point I should mention that our communications were typically not exciting, intellectual, or enjoyable the majority of the time, but they were still there, they were still a habit that I now need to break. I read in my "Why Men love Bitches" book that stopping the thought of the person, the minor (or major) obsession with the person in your life and your in theirs, is the hardest part of moving on and letting go. At least now I am at that stage where I am actively trying to let it go! So as I walked to work this morning, I attempted to focus on at least one thing and on at least something that wasn't India or talking to India. It kind of worked but nonetheless, I am now writing a blog about it :)

PS: My scatter mentality also led me to be the most amazing fashion faux-pas ever. Lets just say my outfit included all of these colors: royal blue, grey, white, deep purple, black, and a lime green bag... Sometimes I wonder what the passing cars think as they see me stroll to work... today was probably, "That's an interesting outfit," or "I think someone had a rough night." It was wonderful!