Man I am stressed today:
Like always I am freaking out about money, worrying I'm spending my money on the wrong things, seeing how I can get out of stuff or pay things off quicker, and inevitably always falling short. My new bank account is wigging me out because it is not showing all the money I deposited and telling me I have LESS then what I should= not cool. My old bank account is solid and I love it but the bank locations are too far away so I want more convience. If I can't figure out the new account then I'm just going to deal with the 30 min one way drive whenever I have to deposit a check. Lets not even think of student loans.... they are like the looming blackness that always hangs on the horizon.
Then, I'm freaking out about my weight. I have been working out, looking and feeling good, and then I hit the scale and BAM! I weigh 10 lbs heavier then I had before and quite frankly heavier then I normally EVER weigh. All my efforts the last three months have gained me only 1 lb of muscle weight and 9lbs of fat according to the magic gym scale. So I ask myself, what the hell is that about! Thats when I got suckered into a personal trainer. Granted, I have wanted a personal trainer for a long time now, but I am still not sure its goning to be worth it. All I know is that Christmas is coming and I seem to be spending a lot on random shit for myslef, aka Dance, Personal training, healthy food.... you would think this is all great stuff, but not when you constantly look at your bank account and freak out. I really need a grip and to simply be satisfied with myself and who and what I am. I am a curvy woman, looking good and staying healthy no matter what all the stupid charts say, I need to just accept that. After this personal training stuff is over, I need to continue my fitness regime and simply STOP freaking out. I am sexy.
Next is really nothing too serious but I think its in the back of my mind. I really like my relationship with MD a lot and we get along really well, but I think in the back of my head I am still absolutely terrified that its all wrong that its not going to work that he's going to mess up one day or I will and it will all end. I'm scared shitless always and its really a stressful matter even though its not a stressful situation at all. He's been great, we've been great together, I am good to him and he is good to me, its everthing I always thought a relationship could be, so why am I scared still? I suppose its human nature.
Oh and my period is coming: probably tomorrow or the next day. So that is the root of all these stresses but man, I'm freaking out today!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A Visit from the Ex'es (Yup, plural!)
Yesterday I saw BOTH my Ex's at a meeting for work. In one breath, I always thought it was nice that work would still connect us in some way, but in another, I hate it. Having to see both of them again just brings up so many memories, which then lead to emotions, which then lead to pain. Although the meeting went better than I could have ever imagined, it still was hard to see them both and the wounds that are still scar tissue over did ache and yearn to pull apart again.
The Ex, well he just acts like I do not exist. He is angry at me. Angrier than anyone could ever be at a person. He would rather me not be around so he wouldn't have to remember, so he acts like he doesn't even know me. I can still feel his pain. Three years together and he acts like I am a stranger on the street. This man hurt me more than anyone else on this earth and yet his ignoring is some what calming. I too rather have him as a memory than something I need to deal with on a daily basis. One day that is all he'll be, just a memory.
I can't ever hate The Ex, unlike me, he didn't betray my emotions by getting together with someone else quickly, but he did hurt me by just not caring enough. He said he loved me, but you don't criticize someone you love on a daily basis, or make them jump through hoops for you constantly, or expect them to stand by your side no matter how reckless you were with yourself or them. That is not love, that is just entitlement and none of us are truly entitled to anything. Yet he taught me a lot about myself, about love, life, companionship, loyalty, and limits. So I will always be grateful for that relationship but I would never go back to it. Therefore, I am a stranger on the street and he is a passing body...
India was there too of course. This was the encounter I feared more than The Ex. my emotions with The Ex are numb, my emotions with India are still throbbing. The encounter went better than I could imagine, we even sat next to each other (not on purpose, but it just happened)! Both showed signs of nervousness but at the same time signs of familiarity and kindness. I can tell that that odd thing between us is still there, who knows, it may never go away really. Yet this is why it is so much harder with him. We can talk one on one now about little things but past that forget it. I let myself fall in love with him despite all his warnings and pleadings for me not to and I turned into an OCD case. I didn't leave the poor kid alone and I am so ashamed for that. But he liked it partially, he liked the attention and he fed into it as well. I fear that he no longer respects me for who I am because of it though and that is what causes my shame, but he was no doll either and it is hard for me to fully respect him. I wish things were different.
Today, I reread a couple of emails that we had exchanged. He cared for me so much yet it was that same care that asked me to leave so that we both would be better off, so that we both could find the right person for ourselves and so that we both could practice our faith and relationships openly. It was the same care that kept me coming back though and that is why it went from respecting each other and trying to be friends to sometimes hating each other, not being able to talk or be around each other for too long, and always wishing for it to be ok again. It kills me. And I miss him. I miss hearing about his culture or things that I am not familiar with; I miss his funny comments or quirky behaviors; and I miss him being comfortable around me. We used to lay together and just be at peace and now we can't even talk to each other without getting uncomfortable. We were so drawn to each other despite that fact that we were so wrong for each other and that we would never work. It confuses me terribly but all I know is that I'm left with scares and I wish it was different.
The things in life that you go through are supposed to make you stronger, but I'm so fragile due to the things that I've went through. I bring so much hesitation into my new relationships that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel right again with someone. I can only pray and know that out there is my husband, a man who will never make me cry or hurt me. I am so excited for him and if I've found him, then please Lord let me be good to him until we both realize that we are meant for each other. And please Lord, help me heal.
The Ex, well he just acts like I do not exist. He is angry at me. Angrier than anyone could ever be at a person. He would rather me not be around so he wouldn't have to remember, so he acts like he doesn't even know me. I can still feel his pain. Three years together and he acts like I am a stranger on the street. This man hurt me more than anyone else on this earth and yet his ignoring is some what calming. I too rather have him as a memory than something I need to deal with on a daily basis. One day that is all he'll be, just a memory.
I can't ever hate The Ex, unlike me, he didn't betray my emotions by getting together with someone else quickly, but he did hurt me by just not caring enough. He said he loved me, but you don't criticize someone you love on a daily basis, or make them jump through hoops for you constantly, or expect them to stand by your side no matter how reckless you were with yourself or them. That is not love, that is just entitlement and none of us are truly entitled to anything. Yet he taught me a lot about myself, about love, life, companionship, loyalty, and limits. So I will always be grateful for that relationship but I would never go back to it. Therefore, I am a stranger on the street and he is a passing body...
India was there too of course. This was the encounter I feared more than The Ex. my emotions with The Ex are numb, my emotions with India are still throbbing. The encounter went better than I could imagine, we even sat next to each other (not on purpose, but it just happened)! Both showed signs of nervousness but at the same time signs of familiarity and kindness. I can tell that that odd thing between us is still there, who knows, it may never go away really. Yet this is why it is so much harder with him. We can talk one on one now about little things but past that forget it. I let myself fall in love with him despite all his warnings and pleadings for me not to and I turned into an OCD case. I didn't leave the poor kid alone and I am so ashamed for that. But he liked it partially, he liked the attention and he fed into it as well. I fear that he no longer respects me for who I am because of it though and that is what causes my shame, but he was no doll either and it is hard for me to fully respect him. I wish things were different.
Today, I reread a couple of emails that we had exchanged. He cared for me so much yet it was that same care that asked me to leave so that we both would be better off, so that we both could find the right person for ourselves and so that we both could practice our faith and relationships openly. It was the same care that kept me coming back though and that is why it went from respecting each other and trying to be friends to sometimes hating each other, not being able to talk or be around each other for too long, and always wishing for it to be ok again. It kills me. And I miss him. I miss hearing about his culture or things that I am not familiar with; I miss his funny comments or quirky behaviors; and I miss him being comfortable around me. We used to lay together and just be at peace and now we can't even talk to each other without getting uncomfortable. We were so drawn to each other despite that fact that we were so wrong for each other and that we would never work. It confuses me terribly but all I know is that I'm left with scares and I wish it was different.
The things in life that you go through are supposed to make you stronger, but I'm so fragile due to the things that I've went through. I bring so much hesitation into my new relationships that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel right again with someone. I can only pray and know that out there is my husband, a man who will never make me cry or hurt me. I am so excited for him and if I've found him, then please Lord let me be good to him until we both realize that we are meant for each other. And please Lord, help me heal.
Friday, October 1, 2010
GOOD VS BAD
GOOD things that happened today:
I got a mini side job to do a floor plan for a bathroom expansion and room remodel. I shoudl be able to make a couple bucks on the side with this and feel honored that I was approached to do it when more senior architects could have done it as well.
I cancelled plans with one friend so that I would not have to drive all around town two days in a row making my life less hectic.
My girl friend called me up to see if I wanted to go to a concert for free. Not only do I get to see her, but a free concert! Hell yeah!!!
I get to see my boyfriend tonight, which means kisses! :)
BAD things that happened today:
The bus made me late so I had to work later.
My roommate decided to share with me that she thinks my boyfriend is "child like" with his enthusiam for things. This highly offended my and set me into an angry mood.
My boyfriend was not sure that we were hanging out tonight and there was a little bit of tension between us when we talked... we'll have to hug it out later.
Well I guess the GOOD did out weigh the BAD today. Its unfortunate though that the last thing I had to deal with today was my the roommate comment which really did upset me. Trying to let go of anger.... Whoooooo Saaaaaaaaah The sun is out and I may bust out of this joint a little ealry since now one is around. Whooooooo Saaaaaaaaah :) Jason Durulo tonight for free!! Let's go let's go!!!!
I got a mini side job to do a floor plan for a bathroom expansion and room remodel. I shoudl be able to make a couple bucks on the side with this and feel honored that I was approached to do it when more senior architects could have done it as well.
I cancelled plans with one friend so that I would not have to drive all around town two days in a row making my life less hectic.
My girl friend called me up to see if I wanted to go to a concert for free. Not only do I get to see her, but a free concert! Hell yeah!!!
I get to see my boyfriend tonight, which means kisses! :)
BAD things that happened today:
The bus made me late so I had to work later.
My roommate decided to share with me that she thinks my boyfriend is "child like" with his enthusiam for things. This highly offended my and set me into an angry mood.
My boyfriend was not sure that we were hanging out tonight and there was a little bit of tension between us when we talked... we'll have to hug it out later.
Well I guess the GOOD did out weigh the BAD today. Its unfortunate though that the last thing I had to deal with today was my the roommate comment which really did upset me. Trying to let go of anger.... Whoooooo Saaaaaaaaah The sun is out and I may bust out of this joint a little ealry since now one is around. Whooooooo Saaaaaaaaah :) Jason Durulo tonight for free!! Let's go let's go!!!!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Twilight inspiration????
So I'm reading the Twilight series, which is completely a guilty pleasure and embarrassing fact to admit, however, it seems that I relate more closely to it then I ever imagined. In the book series, the main character, Bella, falls widely in love with Edward, her perfect vampire man. She is then left by him "for her better good" and ends up falling in love with her good friend Jacob. In the book, however, she describes how the sort of love is very different and only a fraction of what she felt for Edward. This is the part that I'm contimplating deeply: the differnt kinds of love.
Wild love: When I was with my Ex, I loved him widly. It was that kind of reckless love that didn't care about anyone or anything as long as we were together. We were spontaneous, illogical, and exhileratingly free of care or responsibility.... but this sort of passion was alway so emotional, unstable, and it cause me to loose a lot of respect for myself, my world, and those around me including my Ex. The wild love made us selfish and blinded, almost like a drug that was hard to kick.... The idea of freedom, that "if he was doing it, why can't I do it" mentality filled our love with feelings of competition, explosive behaviors, and eventually dislike. After that love rollercoaster, I closed that deep part, that wild part inside of me up, almost to a point where I am scared to ever release it again, yet I wish almost everyday that I could feel the exhileration and connection once more.
Logical Love: When I fell for India it was more rational. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into the entire time. It was a sort of fatal attraction that grew and grew and we simply indulged in it. We both had been hurt in the past and expressed that that was the last thing we wanted to do to each other but in the end that was exactly what happened. We were both so closed off to "real love" that we cared for each other in different ways and mostly in physically or on a surface manor. Whenever we truely let our hearts into it, we quickly realized that we should let the other go and spare them from the tragedy of knowing we couldn't be together, from the pain of falling for each other and knowing it must end. We spoke about it often and we did internally battle ourselves to continue or not. Thats why we were on and off so much, because our hearts were yelling at us to stop before we got too hurt. When we finally listened, it was too late, he had already infiltrated me and I'm sure I him. Now we are left with a wide gaping hole, the same one that Bella describes in the books, the kind that aches at the thought of each other, the same one that reacts upon hearing his name. It wasn't the wild love that opened and closed a wound rapidly, it was the kind that made me think of marriage and of possibilities, it was the kind that made me rational choose that I wanted him and that I would fight for him. But it was also the kind that knew that this was all I was ever going to get and that fighting wasn't even an option. I may have chose him, but I didn't get to pass go or collect my $200, the game stopped right where it started and I knew that despite my feelings.
Scared Love: Now I am seeing a new guy (MD) who that treats me like I always dreamed of being treated. One that brings me flowers, goes shopping with me, invites me to meet his family, cleans afer I cook, and even better cooks for me! He is the sort of man I always thought was in the world but had not yet experienced. The kind I feared didn't exist anymore. I'm so happy that he does and being with him makes me happy. Its stragne because its the kind of happy that just is there, not the kind that explodes out of you but the knid that when you stop to take note is just there beaming. But I am scared of the fact that it all just seems so natural, that it all seems good, like some kind of evil twist will one day happen like it had in the past relationships and everything will go to hell again. Its a scared love that keeps me reserved towards him though I am truely enjoying being with him.
These three types of love that I have experienced seem to pull me back to something Bella points out in the story: that if you open myself up to the idea of love again, it will be a different kind of love. Each time the intensity of love seems to weaken or change. This is my worry, why would such an indescribable force weaken or change? Perhaps its just new realtionships and you walls are all still up and maybe even new walls have gone up which explains the "weakened" observation, but in the book she describes her love for Jacob never being that of her love for Edward. I feel the same: my love for my Ex was far different from my love from India, yet the pain of the loss was similar. If i fall for MD, I'm sure that the love may be different too.... so I guess I am asking myself what sort of love do I want? The wild illogical kind, the far too logical but deeply understanding and passionate kind, or a new sort one that scares me a little because it seems right? Which will I choose and is there even a way to experience the same love twice? I am starting to think there isn't and maybe thats a very good thing.
Wild love: When I was with my Ex, I loved him widly. It was that kind of reckless love that didn't care about anyone or anything as long as we were together. We were spontaneous, illogical, and exhileratingly free of care or responsibility.... but this sort of passion was alway so emotional, unstable, and it cause me to loose a lot of respect for myself, my world, and those around me including my Ex. The wild love made us selfish and blinded, almost like a drug that was hard to kick.... The idea of freedom, that "if he was doing it, why can't I do it" mentality filled our love with feelings of competition, explosive behaviors, and eventually dislike. After that love rollercoaster, I closed that deep part, that wild part inside of me up, almost to a point where I am scared to ever release it again, yet I wish almost everyday that I could feel the exhileration and connection once more.
Logical Love: When I fell for India it was more rational. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into the entire time. It was a sort of fatal attraction that grew and grew and we simply indulged in it. We both had been hurt in the past and expressed that that was the last thing we wanted to do to each other but in the end that was exactly what happened. We were both so closed off to "real love" that we cared for each other in different ways and mostly in physically or on a surface manor. Whenever we truely let our hearts into it, we quickly realized that we should let the other go and spare them from the tragedy of knowing we couldn't be together, from the pain of falling for each other and knowing it must end. We spoke about it often and we did internally battle ourselves to continue or not. Thats why we were on and off so much, because our hearts were yelling at us to stop before we got too hurt. When we finally listened, it was too late, he had already infiltrated me and I'm sure I him. Now we are left with a wide gaping hole, the same one that Bella describes in the books, the kind that aches at the thought of each other, the same one that reacts upon hearing his name. It wasn't the wild love that opened and closed a wound rapidly, it was the kind that made me think of marriage and of possibilities, it was the kind that made me rational choose that I wanted him and that I would fight for him. But it was also the kind that knew that this was all I was ever going to get and that fighting wasn't even an option. I may have chose him, but I didn't get to pass go or collect my $200, the game stopped right where it started and I knew that despite my feelings.
Scared Love: Now I am seeing a new guy (MD) who that treats me like I always dreamed of being treated. One that brings me flowers, goes shopping with me, invites me to meet his family, cleans afer I cook, and even better cooks for me! He is the sort of man I always thought was in the world but had not yet experienced. The kind I feared didn't exist anymore. I'm so happy that he does and being with him makes me happy. Its stragne because its the kind of happy that just is there, not the kind that explodes out of you but the knid that when you stop to take note is just there beaming. But I am scared of the fact that it all just seems so natural, that it all seems good, like some kind of evil twist will one day happen like it had in the past relationships and everything will go to hell again. Its a scared love that keeps me reserved towards him though I am truely enjoying being with him.
These three types of love that I have experienced seem to pull me back to something Bella points out in the story: that if you open myself up to the idea of love again, it will be a different kind of love. Each time the intensity of love seems to weaken or change. This is my worry, why would such an indescribable force weaken or change? Perhaps its just new realtionships and you walls are all still up and maybe even new walls have gone up which explains the "weakened" observation, but in the book she describes her love for Jacob never being that of her love for Edward. I feel the same: my love for my Ex was far different from my love from India, yet the pain of the loss was similar. If i fall for MD, I'm sure that the love may be different too.... so I guess I am asking myself what sort of love do I want? The wild illogical kind, the far too logical but deeply understanding and passionate kind, or a new sort one that scares me a little because it seems right? Which will I choose and is there even a way to experience the same love twice? I am starting to think there isn't and maybe thats a very good thing.
Monday, August 30, 2010
A funny lil Rebelion
Sometimes I just feel so rebellious. Why should we do that which we are told. Music normally invokes this streak of adrenaline, music and boredom with work. :) So now I want to go out and wreak havoc. I never really do, but I always get that urge to, its just a desire to exhaust the energy that gets pent up during the day. This is why I chose a profession that will keep me on my toes. Despite working in my field, this government work sure as hell is boring. I'll have to make a change as soon as the opportune moment comes along.
Other than a sudden spire of cynical energy things are going great. I am dating a guy from MD who I just have fun with. So far I'm keeping it crazy casual since I simply can't handle any things that whispers thee word commitment, but we are practically dating and its nice. He respects me, actually respects me and that's refreshing.
I'll have to find something to do tonight...
Other than a sudden spire of cynical energy things are going great. I am dating a guy from MD who I just have fun with. So far I'm keeping it crazy casual since I simply can't handle any things that whispers thee word commitment, but we are practically dating and its nice. He respects me, actually respects me and that's refreshing.
I'll have to find something to do tonight...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Just because
Tonight I wish I was a Bengal Tiger hiding in the high grasses spying on my lover. His stripes would be gleaming in the light, his muscles peaked, he eyes intent. What I'd give to pounce out and wrestle amongst the sun lit ground with him...
On my way home tonight, I hope that I get into large amounts of mayhem. I want to explore. Try something different and hey, maybe something fun will come from it.
My heighten anticipation this week has made we feel nauseous, nervous, happy, excited, sad and melancholy. I MAY be seeing India for the first time in two months, I may get to look upon his rippling body again, look into his intent eyes, feel the tension between us again, speak to him once more! He MAY be reentering my realm of life this upcoming Monday due to work or he may not.... its a 50/50 draw. I 100% know why I can't be with him but it doesn't ever seem to stop me from wanting to be with him. What I'd give to just be held in his arms again and smell his skin.
So mayhem come! Distract me from thoughts of the potential future and day dreams of that which can not be.
On my way home tonight, I hope that I get into large amounts of mayhem. I want to explore. Try something different and hey, maybe something fun will come from it.
My heighten anticipation this week has made we feel nauseous, nervous, happy, excited, sad and melancholy. I MAY be seeing India for the first time in two months, I may get to look upon his rippling body again, look into his intent eyes, feel the tension between us again, speak to him once more! He MAY be reentering my realm of life this upcoming Monday due to work or he may not.... its a 50/50 draw. I 100% know why I can't be with him but it doesn't ever seem to stop me from wanting to be with him. What I'd give to just be held in his arms again and smell his skin.
So mayhem come! Distract me from thoughts of the potential future and day dreams of that which can not be.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Freaking out, once again
For the past month I have been dating this guy from MD. He's been a lot of fun, caring, generous, and all around extremely mindful and respectful of me. The problem lies with the situations surrounding his life. In his earlier years, circa a year and a half ago, he was involved in heavier drugs, a sex driven lifestyle, and all in all party atmosphere. This lifestyle resulted in a baby, his beautifully little girl, who turned his life around. Since the arrival of his daughter, he has been really cleaning himself up, working hard, rearranging his goals to be a good father and provider and simply being responsible. Enters, me... I just happen to stumble upon this guy, go on a date and enjoy him enough to give him a second. Next thing I know we are hanging out, he's cooking me dinner, I'm cooking him dinner, and we are rolling right along into relationville... Can I stop the train, please!?
Thing is I like MD guy. We have fun, he's kind, I enjoy having a companion. However, I am not anywhere ready to roll on into relationville nor am I ready to roll into it with someone who's past I am really uncomfortable with and who's present involves a child who I will essential be involved with, effect, and get attached to. These realizations have led me to decide upon "the break up time," (which essentially leads to me freaking out).
Whenever the break up time arrives, I become horribly indecisive. I know what I like and dislike, what I want and don't want, yet I let compassion get in the way of my tiny bit of selfishness. I hate breaking up with people because I am way too nice for my own good and a lot of time I just hate telling them the hard honest facts. In this case, it is mainly me not being ready to settle down with a guy who clearly is starting to in order to provide for his child, but also its partially him. I don't like a lot of things about his past, present, and future lifestyle and I don't think that those things are meant for my lifestyle. My head tells me this is entirely rational and justified that it is better to end things now before we both get hurt. My bleeding heart on the other hand, brings up indecision and too much compassion for its own good along with some fantasy that things will just work them selves out. This is a lie, this don't work themselves out, you have to make a decision which is a catalyst for an action which then works a situation out. I am 85% my decision has been made.
Deep breath... sometimes in this life we have to do what we know is right but that which is hard. I am strong, he'll be ok, we'll both move on to live happy lives. End Story.
Thing is I like MD guy. We have fun, he's kind, I enjoy having a companion. However, I am not anywhere ready to roll on into relationville nor am I ready to roll into it with someone who's past I am really uncomfortable with and who's present involves a child who I will essential be involved with, effect, and get attached to. These realizations have led me to decide upon "the break up time," (which essentially leads to me freaking out).
Whenever the break up time arrives, I become horribly indecisive. I know what I like and dislike, what I want and don't want, yet I let compassion get in the way of my tiny bit of selfishness. I hate breaking up with people because I am way too nice for my own good and a lot of time I just hate telling them the hard honest facts. In this case, it is mainly me not being ready to settle down with a guy who clearly is starting to in order to provide for his child, but also its partially him. I don't like a lot of things about his past, present, and future lifestyle and I don't think that those things are meant for my lifestyle. My head tells me this is entirely rational and justified that it is better to end things now before we both get hurt. My bleeding heart on the other hand, brings up indecision and too much compassion for its own good along with some fantasy that things will just work them selves out. This is a lie, this don't work themselves out, you have to make a decision which is a catalyst for an action which then works a situation out. I am 85% my decision has been made.
Deep breath... sometimes in this life we have to do what we know is right but that which is hard. I am strong, he'll be ok, we'll both move on to live happy lives. End Story.
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