Lately, I keep having a recurring dream that I'm pregnant. Full Belly people all around me, and happy... I can't seem to understand if this is a nightmare or something that I am starting to deeply desire. I know for a fact that I'm not pregnant since I just recently had my menstrual cycle and haven't engaged in any sort of activities since then but what does this dream mean?
I can't seem to fall asleep at night. Having recently broken up with my boyfriend of 9 months, I am feeling a sense of loneliness specifically at night. During the day, I'm fine. I'll think of him here or there, but its a thought that I can swiftly move on from without heartache. But at night, simply not having him there next to me in bed keeping me warm or holding me close seems to be bothering me more than I can consciously understand. I think this is where the pregnancy dream is stemming from: a feeling of lost love that wants to be channeled somewhere. I put a lot into this past relationship and for it to go to ruins once again has left me tired of all men. Of course I desire their company for many reasons, but I'm exhausted of putting the effort into a relationship that may end again in a heart wrenching way. I don't know, part of me wants to forget about men for a while but the other parts is not sure if I can. I'm so used to having someone around me that it'll definitely be a different experience being fully alone and "playing the field here or there."
Eventually, I'll get used to be single again in due time but these mommy dreams are making that desire to love and be loved a thought on the forefront of my mind! I think I'll have to get a pet or something to distract me :)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Pep Talk
Dear Self,
You are a Chunky Chicken. Currently you weigh the most you have ever weighed in your entire life and if you stepped on the Wii Fit scale it would put you in the overweight if not obesse section. Granted your are not a fat ass who is inactive or lazy, but you do enjoy your food and drink a little too much for a young girl. Loose weight.
How do we do this? Well you already know. You work out at the gym, we know how to diet, you know what it takes to be strict on yourself... the only part that is left is just to do it. I do not want to look back years from now as a heavier person and think that I was skinny now. I want to look back and say, "damn I was a curvy sexy lady who worked hard and is a tighter curvier sexy lady now." When I have babies, I DO NOT want to reach 200lbs. I'd probably loose my mind if that happened, so guess what, we got some work and dtermination to do so that I can loose weight now and be about this weight when I get pregers in the future.... I really can't handle being any bigger than I am now and I don't want this to be my norm anymore. Get to work :)
Love,
Yourself
You are a Chunky Chicken. Currently you weigh the most you have ever weighed in your entire life and if you stepped on the Wii Fit scale it would put you in the overweight if not obesse section. Granted your are not a fat ass who is inactive or lazy, but you do enjoy your food and drink a little too much for a young girl. Loose weight.
How do we do this? Well you already know. You work out at the gym, we know how to diet, you know what it takes to be strict on yourself... the only part that is left is just to do it. I do not want to look back years from now as a heavier person and think that I was skinny now. I want to look back and say, "damn I was a curvy sexy lady who worked hard and is a tighter curvier sexy lady now." When I have babies, I DO NOT want to reach 200lbs. I'd probably loose my mind if that happened, so guess what, we got some work and dtermination to do so that I can loose weight now and be about this weight when I get pregers in the future.... I really can't handle being any bigger than I am now and I don't want this to be my norm anymore. Get to work :)
Love,
Yourself
Friday, December 10, 2010
Stressin!!
Sometimes I really do believe I'm crazy. My boyfriend is good to me: he treats me better than any guy I've ever been with and yet, I am dead scared to seriously trust him. This leads to my being a dramatic about some things, over thinking, worrying when there is no reason to worry, and constantly comparing what I did for him versus what he did for me. I have one word for myself at times when I'm crazy= immature!!! I need to really shake this aspect because I get so worked up about things that its physically and emotionally upsets me at times.
Last night Boyfriend and I had a serious conversation about how I have been feeling unhappy in the relationship. Its not that he is not good to me or that i don't care for him, its just that he has so many stresses in his life that when he's with me he doesn't want to do anything.... well, i get bored easily, so hello, Let's play! In this way, I admit I am like a kid, but who doesn't like doing things with their boyfriend talking exploring each other's thoughts and bodies and worlds. Well i like these things very much and I got very fed up with coming over and helping him clean up or cook something and then just sitting by idle while he watches TV and doesn't speak. Not cool....
so I said something. And though it came out in varied ways, it came out and i feel better about it now. And best of all he received it well. After that, he became more attentive and playful- aka, what I liked about him in the first place.
This little revelation made me realise that its not the girl's fault they she start feeling a little frantic or crazy at times, its the general relationships fault. When a guy starts to change and slip, which ALL MEN will try to change and slip with the attentiveness, its our jobs to let them know how we feel, keep them in check, and hopefully they love you enough to wake up and do something. All men put on a good show at the beginning of a relationship because they really want to impress us. Once they've succeeded, the stop impressing us and women feel like the rug is pulled out from under them! "What happened to that fun guy I met," is the common thought that runs through women's minds. Well that fun guy is still there he just needs to be reminded that that's the guy we want to talk to.
So when my boyfriend said to me last night, "you expect me to be 100% all the time." FUCK YES, I expect you to give me 100% of yourself all the time because despite the stress of my job and my life, I give you 100% of myself when I'm with you and if you want to be in a fair and equal relationship then you must give me 100% of that which i deserve. Plus women, just because a man overexerts himself at work, does not mean we need to suffer for it. He needs to learn how to balance or how to work in both areas a little harder. We have our needs and that's all we are looking for them to meet. Don't let them slip, because you will be the one regretting it in the long run.
Last night Boyfriend and I had a serious conversation about how I have been feeling unhappy in the relationship. Its not that he is not good to me or that i don't care for him, its just that he has so many stresses in his life that when he's with me he doesn't want to do anything.... well, i get bored easily, so hello, Let's play! In this way, I admit I am like a kid, but who doesn't like doing things with their boyfriend talking exploring each other's thoughts and bodies and worlds. Well i like these things very much and I got very fed up with coming over and helping him clean up or cook something and then just sitting by idle while he watches TV and doesn't speak. Not cool....
so I said something. And though it came out in varied ways, it came out and i feel better about it now. And best of all he received it well. After that, he became more attentive and playful- aka, what I liked about him in the first place.
This little revelation made me realise that its not the girl's fault they she start feeling a little frantic or crazy at times, its the general relationships fault. When a guy starts to change and slip, which ALL MEN will try to change and slip with the attentiveness, its our jobs to let them know how we feel, keep them in check, and hopefully they love you enough to wake up and do something. All men put on a good show at the beginning of a relationship because they really want to impress us. Once they've succeeded, the stop impressing us and women feel like the rug is pulled out from under them! "What happened to that fun guy I met," is the common thought that runs through women's minds. Well that fun guy is still there he just needs to be reminded that that's the guy we want to talk to.
So when my boyfriend said to me last night, "you expect me to be 100% all the time." FUCK YES, I expect you to give me 100% of yourself all the time because despite the stress of my job and my life, I give you 100% of myself when I'm with you and if you want to be in a fair and equal relationship then you must give me 100% of that which i deserve. Plus women, just because a man overexerts himself at work, does not mean we need to suffer for it. He needs to learn how to balance or how to work in both areas a little harder. We have our needs and that's all we are looking for them to meet. Don't let them slip, because you will be the one regretting it in the long run.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The Magical world of Womanhood
Man I am stressed today:
Like always I am freaking out about money, worrying I'm spending my money on the wrong things, seeing how I can get out of stuff or pay things off quicker, and inevitably always falling short. My new bank account is wigging me out because it is not showing all the money I deposited and telling me I have LESS then what I should= not cool. My old bank account is solid and I love it but the bank locations are too far away so I want more convience. If I can't figure out the new account then I'm just going to deal with the 30 min one way drive whenever I have to deposit a check. Lets not even think of student loans.... they are like the looming blackness that always hangs on the horizon.
Then, I'm freaking out about my weight. I have been working out, looking and feeling good, and then I hit the scale and BAM! I weigh 10 lbs heavier then I had before and quite frankly heavier then I normally EVER weigh. All my efforts the last three months have gained me only 1 lb of muscle weight and 9lbs of fat according to the magic gym scale. So I ask myself, what the hell is that about! Thats when I got suckered into a personal trainer. Granted, I have wanted a personal trainer for a long time now, but I am still not sure its goning to be worth it. All I know is that Christmas is coming and I seem to be spending a lot on random shit for myslef, aka Dance, Personal training, healthy food.... you would think this is all great stuff, but not when you constantly look at your bank account and freak out. I really need a grip and to simply be satisfied with myself and who and what I am. I am a curvy woman, looking good and staying healthy no matter what all the stupid charts say, I need to just accept that. After this personal training stuff is over, I need to continue my fitness regime and simply STOP freaking out. I am sexy.
Next is really nothing too serious but I think its in the back of my mind. I really like my relationship with MD a lot and we get along really well, but I think in the back of my head I am still absolutely terrified that its all wrong that its not going to work that he's going to mess up one day or I will and it will all end. I'm scared shitless always and its really a stressful matter even though its not a stressful situation at all. He's been great, we've been great together, I am good to him and he is good to me, its everthing I always thought a relationship could be, so why am I scared still? I suppose its human nature.
Oh and my period is coming: probably tomorrow or the next day. So that is the root of all these stresses but man, I'm freaking out today!
Like always I am freaking out about money, worrying I'm spending my money on the wrong things, seeing how I can get out of stuff or pay things off quicker, and inevitably always falling short. My new bank account is wigging me out because it is not showing all the money I deposited and telling me I have LESS then what I should= not cool. My old bank account is solid and I love it but the bank locations are too far away so I want more convience. If I can't figure out the new account then I'm just going to deal with the 30 min one way drive whenever I have to deposit a check. Lets not even think of student loans.... they are like the looming blackness that always hangs on the horizon.
Then, I'm freaking out about my weight. I have been working out, looking and feeling good, and then I hit the scale and BAM! I weigh 10 lbs heavier then I had before and quite frankly heavier then I normally EVER weigh. All my efforts the last three months have gained me only 1 lb of muscle weight and 9lbs of fat according to the magic gym scale. So I ask myself, what the hell is that about! Thats when I got suckered into a personal trainer. Granted, I have wanted a personal trainer for a long time now, but I am still not sure its goning to be worth it. All I know is that Christmas is coming and I seem to be spending a lot on random shit for myslef, aka Dance, Personal training, healthy food.... you would think this is all great stuff, but not when you constantly look at your bank account and freak out. I really need a grip and to simply be satisfied with myself and who and what I am. I am a curvy woman, looking good and staying healthy no matter what all the stupid charts say, I need to just accept that. After this personal training stuff is over, I need to continue my fitness regime and simply STOP freaking out. I am sexy.
Next is really nothing too serious but I think its in the back of my mind. I really like my relationship with MD a lot and we get along really well, but I think in the back of my head I am still absolutely terrified that its all wrong that its not going to work that he's going to mess up one day or I will and it will all end. I'm scared shitless always and its really a stressful matter even though its not a stressful situation at all. He's been great, we've been great together, I am good to him and he is good to me, its everthing I always thought a relationship could be, so why am I scared still? I suppose its human nature.
Oh and my period is coming: probably tomorrow or the next day. So that is the root of all these stresses but man, I'm freaking out today!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A Visit from the Ex'es (Yup, plural!)
Yesterday I saw BOTH my Ex's at a meeting for work. In one breath, I always thought it was nice that work would still connect us in some way, but in another, I hate it. Having to see both of them again just brings up so many memories, which then lead to emotions, which then lead to pain. Although the meeting went better than I could have ever imagined, it still was hard to see them both and the wounds that are still scar tissue over did ache and yearn to pull apart again.
The Ex, well he just acts like I do not exist. He is angry at me. Angrier than anyone could ever be at a person. He would rather me not be around so he wouldn't have to remember, so he acts like he doesn't even know me. I can still feel his pain. Three years together and he acts like I am a stranger on the street. This man hurt me more than anyone else on this earth and yet his ignoring is some what calming. I too rather have him as a memory than something I need to deal with on a daily basis. One day that is all he'll be, just a memory.
I can't ever hate The Ex, unlike me, he didn't betray my emotions by getting together with someone else quickly, but he did hurt me by just not caring enough. He said he loved me, but you don't criticize someone you love on a daily basis, or make them jump through hoops for you constantly, or expect them to stand by your side no matter how reckless you were with yourself or them. That is not love, that is just entitlement and none of us are truly entitled to anything. Yet he taught me a lot about myself, about love, life, companionship, loyalty, and limits. So I will always be grateful for that relationship but I would never go back to it. Therefore, I am a stranger on the street and he is a passing body...
India was there too of course. This was the encounter I feared more than The Ex. my emotions with The Ex are numb, my emotions with India are still throbbing. The encounter went better than I could imagine, we even sat next to each other (not on purpose, but it just happened)! Both showed signs of nervousness but at the same time signs of familiarity and kindness. I can tell that that odd thing between us is still there, who knows, it may never go away really. Yet this is why it is so much harder with him. We can talk one on one now about little things but past that forget it. I let myself fall in love with him despite all his warnings and pleadings for me not to and I turned into an OCD case. I didn't leave the poor kid alone and I am so ashamed for that. But he liked it partially, he liked the attention and he fed into it as well. I fear that he no longer respects me for who I am because of it though and that is what causes my shame, but he was no doll either and it is hard for me to fully respect him. I wish things were different.
Today, I reread a couple of emails that we had exchanged. He cared for me so much yet it was that same care that asked me to leave so that we both would be better off, so that we both could find the right person for ourselves and so that we both could practice our faith and relationships openly. It was the same care that kept me coming back though and that is why it went from respecting each other and trying to be friends to sometimes hating each other, not being able to talk or be around each other for too long, and always wishing for it to be ok again. It kills me. And I miss him. I miss hearing about his culture or things that I am not familiar with; I miss his funny comments or quirky behaviors; and I miss him being comfortable around me. We used to lay together and just be at peace and now we can't even talk to each other without getting uncomfortable. We were so drawn to each other despite that fact that we were so wrong for each other and that we would never work. It confuses me terribly but all I know is that I'm left with scares and I wish it was different.
The things in life that you go through are supposed to make you stronger, but I'm so fragile due to the things that I've went through. I bring so much hesitation into my new relationships that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel right again with someone. I can only pray and know that out there is my husband, a man who will never make me cry or hurt me. I am so excited for him and if I've found him, then please Lord let me be good to him until we both realize that we are meant for each other. And please Lord, help me heal.
The Ex, well he just acts like I do not exist. He is angry at me. Angrier than anyone could ever be at a person. He would rather me not be around so he wouldn't have to remember, so he acts like he doesn't even know me. I can still feel his pain. Three years together and he acts like I am a stranger on the street. This man hurt me more than anyone else on this earth and yet his ignoring is some what calming. I too rather have him as a memory than something I need to deal with on a daily basis. One day that is all he'll be, just a memory.
I can't ever hate The Ex, unlike me, he didn't betray my emotions by getting together with someone else quickly, but he did hurt me by just not caring enough. He said he loved me, but you don't criticize someone you love on a daily basis, or make them jump through hoops for you constantly, or expect them to stand by your side no matter how reckless you were with yourself or them. That is not love, that is just entitlement and none of us are truly entitled to anything. Yet he taught me a lot about myself, about love, life, companionship, loyalty, and limits. So I will always be grateful for that relationship but I would never go back to it. Therefore, I am a stranger on the street and he is a passing body...
India was there too of course. This was the encounter I feared more than The Ex. my emotions with The Ex are numb, my emotions with India are still throbbing. The encounter went better than I could imagine, we even sat next to each other (not on purpose, but it just happened)! Both showed signs of nervousness but at the same time signs of familiarity and kindness. I can tell that that odd thing between us is still there, who knows, it may never go away really. Yet this is why it is so much harder with him. We can talk one on one now about little things but past that forget it. I let myself fall in love with him despite all his warnings and pleadings for me not to and I turned into an OCD case. I didn't leave the poor kid alone and I am so ashamed for that. But he liked it partially, he liked the attention and he fed into it as well. I fear that he no longer respects me for who I am because of it though and that is what causes my shame, but he was no doll either and it is hard for me to fully respect him. I wish things were different.
Today, I reread a couple of emails that we had exchanged. He cared for me so much yet it was that same care that asked me to leave so that we both would be better off, so that we both could find the right person for ourselves and so that we both could practice our faith and relationships openly. It was the same care that kept me coming back though and that is why it went from respecting each other and trying to be friends to sometimes hating each other, not being able to talk or be around each other for too long, and always wishing for it to be ok again. It kills me. And I miss him. I miss hearing about his culture or things that I am not familiar with; I miss his funny comments or quirky behaviors; and I miss him being comfortable around me. We used to lay together and just be at peace and now we can't even talk to each other without getting uncomfortable. We were so drawn to each other despite that fact that we were so wrong for each other and that we would never work. It confuses me terribly but all I know is that I'm left with scares and I wish it was different.
The things in life that you go through are supposed to make you stronger, but I'm so fragile due to the things that I've went through. I bring so much hesitation into my new relationships that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel right again with someone. I can only pray and know that out there is my husband, a man who will never make me cry or hurt me. I am so excited for him and if I've found him, then please Lord let me be good to him until we both realize that we are meant for each other. And please Lord, help me heal.
Friday, October 1, 2010
GOOD VS BAD
GOOD things that happened today:
I got a mini side job to do a floor plan for a bathroom expansion and room remodel. I shoudl be able to make a couple bucks on the side with this and feel honored that I was approached to do it when more senior architects could have done it as well.
I cancelled plans with one friend so that I would not have to drive all around town two days in a row making my life less hectic.
My girl friend called me up to see if I wanted to go to a concert for free. Not only do I get to see her, but a free concert! Hell yeah!!!
I get to see my boyfriend tonight, which means kisses! :)
BAD things that happened today:
The bus made me late so I had to work later.
My roommate decided to share with me that she thinks my boyfriend is "child like" with his enthusiam for things. This highly offended my and set me into an angry mood.
My boyfriend was not sure that we were hanging out tonight and there was a little bit of tension between us when we talked... we'll have to hug it out later.
Well I guess the GOOD did out weigh the BAD today. Its unfortunate though that the last thing I had to deal with today was my the roommate comment which really did upset me. Trying to let go of anger.... Whoooooo Saaaaaaaaah The sun is out and I may bust out of this joint a little ealry since now one is around. Whooooooo Saaaaaaaaah :) Jason Durulo tonight for free!! Let's go let's go!!!!
I got a mini side job to do a floor plan for a bathroom expansion and room remodel. I shoudl be able to make a couple bucks on the side with this and feel honored that I was approached to do it when more senior architects could have done it as well.
I cancelled plans with one friend so that I would not have to drive all around town two days in a row making my life less hectic.
My girl friend called me up to see if I wanted to go to a concert for free. Not only do I get to see her, but a free concert! Hell yeah!!!
I get to see my boyfriend tonight, which means kisses! :)
BAD things that happened today:
The bus made me late so I had to work later.
My roommate decided to share with me that she thinks my boyfriend is "child like" with his enthusiam for things. This highly offended my and set me into an angry mood.
My boyfriend was not sure that we were hanging out tonight and there was a little bit of tension between us when we talked... we'll have to hug it out later.
Well I guess the GOOD did out weigh the BAD today. Its unfortunate though that the last thing I had to deal with today was my the roommate comment which really did upset me. Trying to let go of anger.... Whoooooo Saaaaaaaaah The sun is out and I may bust out of this joint a little ealry since now one is around. Whooooooo Saaaaaaaaah :) Jason Durulo tonight for free!! Let's go let's go!!!!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Twilight inspiration????
So I'm reading the Twilight series, which is completely a guilty pleasure and embarrassing fact to admit, however, it seems that I relate more closely to it then I ever imagined. In the book series, the main character, Bella, falls widely in love with Edward, her perfect vampire man. She is then left by him "for her better good" and ends up falling in love with her good friend Jacob. In the book, however, she describes how the sort of love is very different and only a fraction of what she felt for Edward. This is the part that I'm contimplating deeply: the differnt kinds of love.
Wild love: When I was with my Ex, I loved him widly. It was that kind of reckless love that didn't care about anyone or anything as long as we were together. We were spontaneous, illogical, and exhileratingly free of care or responsibility.... but this sort of passion was alway so emotional, unstable, and it cause me to loose a lot of respect for myself, my world, and those around me including my Ex. The wild love made us selfish and blinded, almost like a drug that was hard to kick.... The idea of freedom, that "if he was doing it, why can't I do it" mentality filled our love with feelings of competition, explosive behaviors, and eventually dislike. After that love rollercoaster, I closed that deep part, that wild part inside of me up, almost to a point where I am scared to ever release it again, yet I wish almost everyday that I could feel the exhileration and connection once more.
Logical Love: When I fell for India it was more rational. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into the entire time. It was a sort of fatal attraction that grew and grew and we simply indulged in it. We both had been hurt in the past and expressed that that was the last thing we wanted to do to each other but in the end that was exactly what happened. We were both so closed off to "real love" that we cared for each other in different ways and mostly in physically or on a surface manor. Whenever we truely let our hearts into it, we quickly realized that we should let the other go and spare them from the tragedy of knowing we couldn't be together, from the pain of falling for each other and knowing it must end. We spoke about it often and we did internally battle ourselves to continue or not. Thats why we were on and off so much, because our hearts were yelling at us to stop before we got too hurt. When we finally listened, it was too late, he had already infiltrated me and I'm sure I him. Now we are left with a wide gaping hole, the same one that Bella describes in the books, the kind that aches at the thought of each other, the same one that reacts upon hearing his name. It wasn't the wild love that opened and closed a wound rapidly, it was the kind that made me think of marriage and of possibilities, it was the kind that made me rational choose that I wanted him and that I would fight for him. But it was also the kind that knew that this was all I was ever going to get and that fighting wasn't even an option. I may have chose him, but I didn't get to pass go or collect my $200, the game stopped right where it started and I knew that despite my feelings.
Scared Love: Now I am seeing a new guy (MD) who that treats me like I always dreamed of being treated. One that brings me flowers, goes shopping with me, invites me to meet his family, cleans afer I cook, and even better cooks for me! He is the sort of man I always thought was in the world but had not yet experienced. The kind I feared didn't exist anymore. I'm so happy that he does and being with him makes me happy. Its stragne because its the kind of happy that just is there, not the kind that explodes out of you but the knid that when you stop to take note is just there beaming. But I am scared of the fact that it all just seems so natural, that it all seems good, like some kind of evil twist will one day happen like it had in the past relationships and everything will go to hell again. Its a scared love that keeps me reserved towards him though I am truely enjoying being with him.
These three types of love that I have experienced seem to pull me back to something Bella points out in the story: that if you open myself up to the idea of love again, it will be a different kind of love. Each time the intensity of love seems to weaken or change. This is my worry, why would such an indescribable force weaken or change? Perhaps its just new realtionships and you walls are all still up and maybe even new walls have gone up which explains the "weakened" observation, but in the book she describes her love for Jacob never being that of her love for Edward. I feel the same: my love for my Ex was far different from my love from India, yet the pain of the loss was similar. If i fall for MD, I'm sure that the love may be different too.... so I guess I am asking myself what sort of love do I want? The wild illogical kind, the far too logical but deeply understanding and passionate kind, or a new sort one that scares me a little because it seems right? Which will I choose and is there even a way to experience the same love twice? I am starting to think there isn't and maybe thats a very good thing.
Wild love: When I was with my Ex, I loved him widly. It was that kind of reckless love that didn't care about anyone or anything as long as we were together. We were spontaneous, illogical, and exhileratingly free of care or responsibility.... but this sort of passion was alway so emotional, unstable, and it cause me to loose a lot of respect for myself, my world, and those around me including my Ex. The wild love made us selfish and blinded, almost like a drug that was hard to kick.... The idea of freedom, that "if he was doing it, why can't I do it" mentality filled our love with feelings of competition, explosive behaviors, and eventually dislike. After that love rollercoaster, I closed that deep part, that wild part inside of me up, almost to a point where I am scared to ever release it again, yet I wish almost everyday that I could feel the exhileration and connection once more.
Logical Love: When I fell for India it was more rational. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into the entire time. It was a sort of fatal attraction that grew and grew and we simply indulged in it. We both had been hurt in the past and expressed that that was the last thing we wanted to do to each other but in the end that was exactly what happened. We were both so closed off to "real love" that we cared for each other in different ways and mostly in physically or on a surface manor. Whenever we truely let our hearts into it, we quickly realized that we should let the other go and spare them from the tragedy of knowing we couldn't be together, from the pain of falling for each other and knowing it must end. We spoke about it often and we did internally battle ourselves to continue or not. Thats why we were on and off so much, because our hearts were yelling at us to stop before we got too hurt. When we finally listened, it was too late, he had already infiltrated me and I'm sure I him. Now we are left with a wide gaping hole, the same one that Bella describes in the books, the kind that aches at the thought of each other, the same one that reacts upon hearing his name. It wasn't the wild love that opened and closed a wound rapidly, it was the kind that made me think of marriage and of possibilities, it was the kind that made me rational choose that I wanted him and that I would fight for him. But it was also the kind that knew that this was all I was ever going to get and that fighting wasn't even an option. I may have chose him, but I didn't get to pass go or collect my $200, the game stopped right where it started and I knew that despite my feelings.
Scared Love: Now I am seeing a new guy (MD) who that treats me like I always dreamed of being treated. One that brings me flowers, goes shopping with me, invites me to meet his family, cleans afer I cook, and even better cooks for me! He is the sort of man I always thought was in the world but had not yet experienced. The kind I feared didn't exist anymore. I'm so happy that he does and being with him makes me happy. Its stragne because its the kind of happy that just is there, not the kind that explodes out of you but the knid that when you stop to take note is just there beaming. But I am scared of the fact that it all just seems so natural, that it all seems good, like some kind of evil twist will one day happen like it had in the past relationships and everything will go to hell again. Its a scared love that keeps me reserved towards him though I am truely enjoying being with him.
These three types of love that I have experienced seem to pull me back to something Bella points out in the story: that if you open myself up to the idea of love again, it will be a different kind of love. Each time the intensity of love seems to weaken or change. This is my worry, why would such an indescribable force weaken or change? Perhaps its just new realtionships and you walls are all still up and maybe even new walls have gone up which explains the "weakened" observation, but in the book she describes her love for Jacob never being that of her love for Edward. I feel the same: my love for my Ex was far different from my love from India, yet the pain of the loss was similar. If i fall for MD, I'm sure that the love may be different too.... so I guess I am asking myself what sort of love do I want? The wild illogical kind, the far too logical but deeply understanding and passionate kind, or a new sort one that scares me a little because it seems right? Which will I choose and is there even a way to experience the same love twice? I am starting to think there isn't and maybe thats a very good thing.
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